Internalising the 'good enough' parent?

[janey62]

So I decided to open a thread after all.

I have been thinking about why I feel so scared.  Why does being on my own scare me so much?

My r/s with uexBPDbf has, among other things, brought me to a place where I have no established support network.  A new village, a new job, a new home and living alone with my dogs.

I'm coming to terms with that and with losing this man whom I love to his horrific illness.

And I'm scared and trying to work out what this empty, scared feeling is about?

I've let myself feel it this morning, cried, paced around, rung in sick to work because I feel ill and decided to go back to bed.

And now I'm trying to work it out by rationalising it.

I feel petrified of being alone, incredibly vulnerable.  The fear is like the fear a toddler would have if he/she lost her mother in a supermarket.

Going back to my early psychology training and dredging the memory banks I think maybe my own mother was too unstable for me to internalise.  When I was ill she looked after me in a kind, matter of fact capable way, but the rest of the time it was like living in a box of fireworks with sparks flying around.  

As an infant we rely on our mothers for life.  If your mother dies then you die.  She was always trying to die; even before I was born she was suicidal, making frequent attempts and finally achieving her goal when I was 28.  So my foundations are a little shaky?

Perhaps now, as an adult, I don't have her internalised, or I do but it's is too messed up and insufficient.  There is an empty space where she should be.  Also true of my father.  He wasn't there for most of my childhood and when he reappeared later it was only to reject me as an adult.  He achieved saint status in my childish mind, but it was unrealistic and sad.

So when faced with being alone I haven't got the inner tools, the internalised loving security giving good enough parents and so feel scared and lost?  

Just a theory.

xx

[seeking balance]

Janey,

You are doing some deep work trying to figure this stuff out 

I can relate to analyzing and putting the pieces together, it helped give me a bit of control of feeling sad, lonely, scared.  The thing is, eventually I had to just accept and feel the sad, lonely, scared.

The great existential questions:

Do I matter?  What does all of this mean? etc

So when faced with being alone I haven't got the inner tools, the internalised loving security giving good enough parents and so feel scared and lost? 

This is likely true - so what do you do about it?

We "reparent" ourselves.  Self talk, letting ourselves feel sad or scared and telling ourselves it will be ok.  Treat ourselves like the emotional 3 year old that needs to matter and be validated for our own fears.  We put ourselves around trusted friends who accept us for who we are and are "there" for us.

Try to keep in mind, these patterns didn't happen over night - years of stuffing fears and controlling outcomes result in some time for you to learn new tools and strategies for handling emotions.    Give yourself the same compassion and empathy and boundaries you would for a small child as you heal.

Good stuff 

SB