Affection

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just commenting on an aspect of our relationship that really hurts and frustrates me, physical affection.  I have found this to be a  difficult part of my relationship to my uBPDw.

The same asymmetry that exists in our verbal communication exists in our physical (non-sexual) communication.  If I ask for some affection (it is rarely given freely), and she refuses because she is tired, preoccupied, etc.  I try to be understanding and move on.  If my wife asks for affection (usually at the worst times) and I politely tell her no, I will pay for it one way or another.  Either with a withholding of affection or sex, some choice comments, or the silent treatment.

The end result is that I provide the vast majority of the physical affection in our marriage.  When I bring this up to her either in counseling sessions or one on one, she deflects, avoids, and denies, where there is never an acknowledgement of the underlying issue.  Yet when there is a lack of affection for even a few days, that is a sure sign that a major BPD episode is on its way.

[Perez]

Just commenting on an aspect of our relationship that really hurts and frustrates me, physical affection.  I have found this to be a  difficult part of my relationship to my uBPDw.

The same asymmetry that exists in our verbal communication exists in our physical (non-sexual) communication.  If I ask for some affection (it is rarely given freely), and she refuses because she is tired, preoccupied, etc.  I try to be understanding and move on.  If my wife asks for affection (usually at the worst times) and I politely tell her no, I will pay for it one way or another.  Either with a withholding of affection or sex, some choice comments, or the silent treatment.

The end result is that I provide the vast majority of the physical affection in our marriage.  When I bring this up to her either in counseling sessions or one on one, she deflects, avoids, and denies, where there is never an acknowledgement of the underlying issue.  Yet when there is a lack of affection for even a few days, that is a sure sign that a major BPD episode is on its way.

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[Samuel S.]

Perez, I understand your feelings completely. I don't know her history, but was there any kind of abuse in her history before you? That can easily be the cause of her inability to be affectionate. With my BPDw, she was emotionally and physically abused as a youngster.

While she was very affectionate with me for about 7 years more or less, then, it went downhill from there. She even told me that she thought she was my daughter during intimacy, which was an immediate turnoff for me completely. I tried to convince her that we are adults and SOs, but there has been no intimacy for the past 5 years now.

Perhaps in your case and definitely in mine, there is a need to distance by them, because they cannot stand being intimate in any form. In your case where she has wanted affection, I suspect she is playing a game with you. Your "usually at the worst time" comment makes me suspect that she asks for it then, because you will not want to, thus validating in her mind why she will refuse you when you ask for it.

Like you imply, it is a no win situation with a BPD. I suspect they want intimacy, but when it comes to that point, they make every excuse up not to, because they are hurting so much inside.

By the way, my BPDw has gotten "therapy" so that she feels better and wants to do her own thing, thus being literally out of the house at 3 days a week to pursue a new career, then studies, and then works. So, affection is very far from her mind. She doesn't even know what I am doing!

[Perez]

Samuel,

Thanks for your insights, the push / pull dynamic you described is a great way of looking at the situation.

By the way, I loved your comment about the "therapy".  My wife is exactly the same way.  She is out of the house quite often now, with exercise, outdoor activities, etc. Basically she tells me she wants to do her own thing.

Of course she neglects her responsibilities even more than before and shows zero empathy for the additional load I need to bear.  It is all worth it to have her out of the house more often and not focusing so much on fixing me.