Responding to abusive emails, pre-wedding

[Aerials]

I recently started posting again before the holidays when my mother ended her 4 year streak of appropriate behavior by texting insults about my fiance's family, of course, her old holiday-ruining tradition.   I disinvited her from their holiday dinner because of it, and then I got pages of her victim-hero-abuser routine.  I am not sure if it is recommended or not to post an excerpt, so I won't for now, but it was actually somewhat amusing in its logical incoherence until about 5 paragraphs in when I got bored because I have heard it all before.   

My fiance and dad both thought it was so spiteful that I should seek "professional help" in working through emotions and responding.  Unfortunately, it has been three months, and I am still waiting to see the person my medical center referred me to, appt in about a week.  I have not responded since then, but I want to appropriately address it before my wedding coming up this summer, where of course, his family as well as my dad's will be there.  And my dad is doing all the dad things: walking me down the aisle, dance, etc.  I cannot imagine a world in which she is going to behave appropriately.  If nothing else, the bottom lip will stick out, she will give stink eyes to people, and she will whisper like a 13-yr old from the movie Mean Girls, where she is perpetually stuck.  At worst, she will make a scene or at least not eat and pout while making his family especially uncomfortable, with good reason considering the abuse she put them through. 

1) While I confronted her years ago with the idea of BPD, it has not been brought up since.  I could respond that the only way I will have a relationship with her or she can attend the wedding is if she signs the medical release to her prior psych and we go together and I see progress in behavioral therapy.  The problem is that she won't do it.

2) I write back that she is abusive and never made progress in years of therapy and she cannot attend the wedding because of her email, which shows she is likely to make a scene as she cannot control her emotions. 

I am leaning towards option 2 because I can't imagine the first one actually happening, but even if it did, I live far away and don't want wedding plans to entail a trip to her psych 1500 m. away.  I would appreciate ideas.  Unfortunately, she knows the venue and time, so I worry about her crashing it too. 

[Up In the Air]

Hi Aerials, 

I really doubt she'd be willing to make that kind of change for option #1. It doesn't sound like she's really willing to make a commitment to making the relationship better, hence the email she sent you.

So my vote is for option #2. Why? Because it's YOUR big day. Not hers. You get to feel pretty in your dress and enjoy your ceremony and reception; the dancing, dining, celebrating the awesomeness of starting a life together with the person that's perfect for you. It's a day that everyone gets to come together and make wishes, raise glasses, and send rich blessings your way.

It sounds like you have very little patience for her insults and I like that. I think people just get to a point where they just don't want to deal with the constant drama and the multiple variables of potential behavior, especially when planning something that will be a very special occasion for you, your fiance, and both of your families.

My DH handled it pretty well when his mom went on a bashing-spree right before we got married. She acted like a child about our wedding and even refused to sign the guestbook. I was, of course, caught up in the glittery amazing moments of my wedding day to pay any attention to her. I found out afterward and heard a couple things from my family about how she behaved and I was disappointed that they felt uncomfortable at certain times.

I had a couple people I was concerned might crash my wedding and so I told the wedding planner their names and what they looked like and that they were not to be there. I was surprised by how many times she'd said she was asked to escort uninvited guests off the premises and then I didn't feel so bad. Thankfully, those people didn't show, but if you have someone who's helping with the planning and can help watch out for her, it might ease any tension or stress in that area. I've also heard of people hiring security if you're super serious about it.

Also, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about this. It doesn't make things better or easier, but I feel for you and know it can be such a difficult balance between maintaining the relationship, drawing boundaries, and occasionally facing the false guilt that slams like a hammer when having to choose your happiness over hers.

[Tayto]

Your not in a win win situation,  its a lose, lose unfortunately.

In my opinion I would go with the one I can bare the most.

if yiu bring her and she makes a scene, can you forgive her.

if you dont, can you forgive her for putting you in this situation.

My honest opinion on myself, I would leave her at home and have a bouncer organised just encase she gate crashes.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Aerials, and welcome back!

You're planning a wedding--how exciting! I can definitely understand why that is stressful with a BPDm. We want our weddings to be happy and peaceful, full of people who support us. BPD can get in the way of a parent's ability to help with that. So we need to think about how to take care of our boundaries and enjoy the day.

1) While I confronted her years ago with the idea of BPD, it has not been brought up since.  I could respond that the only way I will have a relationship with her or she can attend the wedding is if she signs the medical release to her prior psych and we go together and I see progress in behavioral therapy.  The problem is that she won't do it.

I used to think like this, too. I learned I cannot make my mother change. It didn't help when I tried to "fix" her.

2) I write back that she is abusive and never made progress in years of therapy and she cannot attend the wedding because of her email, which shows she is likely to make a scene as she cannot control her emotions.  

Your reasons for not inviting your mother make sense--to people who are not your mother. How does she usually respond when you explain your reasoning?

I think counseling can be tremendously helpful. It certainly has been for me. It must be hard waiting so long to be seen. I do hope that your appointment next week goes well. You still have a lot of time between now and summer to decide how you want to communicate your boundaries to your mother, and a good therapist will be able to help you with that. Can you let us know how it goes?

In the meantime, we have some good lessons here that might be worth reviewing. Here is one of my favorites: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

A lot of brides have found it helpful to have some kind of security at the wedding when there are high-conflict family members involved. It doesn't have to be professionals, it could just be a really good friend or two who is willing to be on the lookout and run interference so you don't have to be distracted with any drama. Would that help you feel better?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Aerials]

Thank you for all of your helpful replies.  Up In the Air, I appreciate your personal wedding story, and what you describe about the refusal to sign the guest book and making others uncomfortable is exactly what I would expect from my mother.  Probably not a single blowup scene because she is too high-functioning, but several smaller scenes that she would comically describe as "taking the high road... . I am a master of subtlety."  And yes, Tayto, all four of my bridesmaids have read the email and volunteered to play bouncer.  One is actually a social worker that knows her BPD well because she grew up with me, and she described the email as personally horrible but professionally so fascinating and "classic BPD."  I'm sure everybody on my dad's side would relish the idea of escorting her out. 

P.F.Change, she has never responded well to reasoning about her behavior.  The beginning of her email actually addressed that topic after I explicitly stated that she cannot insult my fiance's family and then come over to their house.  She called me a "fraud and ungrateful child" who should grow up already and asked why I only treat her this way because my cousins would never treat their mother like that and not see them for the holidays.  Because their mothers are not insulting and abusive! 

[Tiredbride313]

Hi Aerials,

I'm facing the same dilemma with both of my parents so please know you are not alone.

Right now I'm leaning towards not inviting my parents to my wedding. Trying to reason with a BPD (or in my father's case, an NPD) is impossible. I've explained more details of their abuse in another post, but I have nightmares at the thought of my mother losing control and doing something to ruin the day.  I also get that line all the time about how so-and-so treats their mother better than I treat her and she loves to tell me that my fiance respects his parents way more than I respect her. Well duh, you don't earn respect by being abusive!

It's good that you let your bridesmaids know what is going on so they can help intervene if your mom decides to crash your day. You may also want to let the coordinator at your venue know. I think the key is to let other people deal with your mom so you can enjoy your day.

I think for once we need to put our happiness above that of our crazy parents - but it definitely comes with a lot of guilt and sadness.

[nomom4me]

Hi, I am in the same situation - not sure if I want my mother at my wedding.  If I don't have my mother there, I am not sure I'm comfortable having any family... . I don't want to put people in the middle.

My mom already ruined one wedding for me (I'm old  ).  I've detailed it in other posts, you can check my post history for the blow-by-blow, but short version - she hijacked it, booked sites, bought a dress and started telling people a date I never agreed to.  We have been on VLC for about 3 years, not because of the wedding but because she had been disrupting my health and relationship.  That three years has been great for me, finally I have a great relationship and a baby - my mom has been on her best behavior since the baby was born.  She hasn't even pushed about the wedding plans (we got engaged after we found out I was pregnant).  She has only seen us once since the baby was born so I don't have much faith in this new trend of decent behavior.

When I look at the facts in black and white, I can't believe I am even entertaining the idea of having her at the wedding.  Honestly it's not something I care about greatly, that woman has worn me out of the idea that she'll ever fill any normal mother role.  I sure as heck don't want her zipping my dress or adjusting my veil.  I do want other family there, but I waffle between how much stress the wedding will put on me and how nice of a honeymoon we could take with that money.  If my family wants to see me and my daughter, they can do it without me sending a formal invitation.