Clockwork email from exBPDw

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have mentioned on these boards before that despite being over a year NC with exBPDw, I still get the customary e-mail every 3 weeks. I still read said e-mail and I file it away more out of protection given the false allegations she tried to file after the marriage ended.

New Year, new start and it certainly has been for her too. Instead of just me, she is trying to engage with my family too. I posted on here last month that she called my mother and that my mother just hung up on her. Well that was until yesterday. It's been 3 weeks since the last email she sent so was expecting something through this week and sure enough, it arrived yesterday.

Not to mention that before it, she called my mother again and after begging and pleading not to be hung up on, my mother heard her out. It didn't end well at all, after my ex wanted to know why my mother hadn't been in contact with her over our daughter. That angered my mother on a number of levels, firstly the birthday card that was returned last year unopened. Secondly, the nasty email my mother got from my ex's mother telling her not to send birthday or Christmas presents because they want nothing to do with her. Finally, because there has been nothing to stop my ex from sending a simple email to let her know about her grand daughter instead of the abusive trash and all about her she usually sends.

According to my ex, she had no idea cards and presents were even sent. Funnily enough I do believe her and have stated before how nasty, vile and narcissistic her mother is and the abuse I have received in email form from her too. Should have been a very interesting conversation in that household last night.

So without any show of anger, my mother finished the conversation by telling her exactly what she thought of her and her mother and asking that neither of them ever contact her again. That she will not be party to the abuse and nastiness, that they are both as bad as each other, that before they set about dictating to others what they should and shouldn't be doing, that they should get their own dysfunctional house in order and that it seems they are not as perfect as they believe themselves to be. With that she hung up.

Unfortunately, it then meant it was my turn to be contacted. Surprisingly enough my email was full of pleases and thank you's and although entitled "attempt at communication and proposition for compromise" bore nothing of the sort and instead dictated a list of demands to make her feel better about herself.

Perhaps the weirdest part was the niceties around giving her money so she can get out of debt. As part of the agreement we had, I took on the responsibility of her credit card. Nothing at all really to do with me, but by some twisted logic, because she had used it once to buy groceries and that I ate said dinner cooked from those groceries, I was responsible for paying off her entire credit card. I agreed to do so simply because I was backed into a corner and didn't have the strength in myself to fight it and over the past year I kept my word. Even going as far as throwing in an extra payment at the end to cover any interest.

Imagine the abuse I got in January when the balance was paid up, simply because she was still using the credit card and believed it meant I should be continuing to pay for it. The e-mail yesterday was validation and acceptance that I upheld my part of the bargain but then she hit me with the line "Since you kept up your end of the deal and could afford to pay off the card, you now have that money spare, please could you continue to make those payments so I can clear off the debts that have stacked up this past year while you haven't been here?"

Not sure what to make of that. Has she forgotten that she filed for divorce, that the papers are signed, that she filed false allegation charges and that I haven't responded to anything in the past year? Is she still believing there is some kind of relationship going on? I didn't walk out on an abusive marriage, I stayed until I was told to go and did exactly that. At what point in her extremely distorted mind does she fail to grasp the marriage has been over for a while now? Is she really expecting me to walk back in through the door at any moment like it was some kind of twisted dream? Does she really think by using manners in this email that I'm suddenly going to jump at the opportunity of digging her out of a whole.

There were some other classic sentences in her email "I thought you would have been in contact to see how I am, the fact you haven't means you either don't want to know or you don't care about how I'm doing"

I won't deny that I do feel sad for her because I know just how trapped she is in that house but I also know it was those feelings that kept me trapped in a very abusive relationship which is controlled entirely by her mother. It took quite a few sessions with T for him to get me to realise that exBPDw was just as responsible for the abuse and even though she was a victim of her mothers abuse, she was also an abuser. It was quite difficult to realise that when living in the reality above, the innocent mind of a child with the rage of an adult all rolled in to one.

I have no doubt I will hear more from her over the next few days, with each email becoming more abusive because I haven't responded and then die off again for another 3 weeks. It does make me feel sad for her but at the same time is a constant reminder of what drew me to her in the first place and why I would never entertain the prospect of a recycle.

[Murbay]

I have mentioned on these boards before that despite being over a year NC with exBPDw, I still get the customary e-mail every 3 weeks. I still read said e-mail and I file it away more out of protection given the false allegations she tried to file after the marriage ended.

New Year, new start and it certainly has been for her too. Instead of just me, she is trying to engage with my family too. I posted on here last month that she called my mother and that my mother just hung up on her. Well that was until yesterday. It's been 3 weeks since the last email she sent so was expecting something through this week and sure enough, it arrived yesterday.

Not to mention that before it, she called my mother again and after begging and pleading not to be hung up on, my mother heard her out. It didn't end well at all, after my ex wanted to know why my mother hadn't been in contact with her over our daughter. That angered my mother on a number of levels, firstly the birthday card that was returned last year unopened. Secondly, the nasty email my mother got from my ex's mother telling her not to send birthday or Christmas presents because they want nothing to do with her. Finally, because there has been nothing to stop my ex from sending a simple email to let her know about her grand daughter instead of the abusive trash and all about her she usually sends.

According to my ex, she had no idea cards and presents were even sent. Funnily enough I do believe her and have stated before how nasty, vile and narcissistic her mother is and the abuse I have received in email form from her too. Should have been a very interesting conversation in that household last night.

So without any show of anger, my mother finished the conversation by telling her exactly what she thought of her and her mother and asking that neither of them ever contact her again. That she will not be party to the abuse and nastiness, that they are both as bad as each other, that before they set about dictating to others what they should and shouldn't be doing, that they should get their own dysfunctional house in order and that it seems they are not as perfect as they believe themselves to be. With that she hung up.

Unfortunately, it then meant it was my turn to be contacted. Surprisingly enough my email was full of pleases and thank you's and although entitled "attempt at communication and proposition for compromise" bore nothing of the sort and instead dictated a list of demands to make her feel better about herself.

Perhaps the weirdest part was the niceties around giving her money so she can get out of debt. As part of the agreement we had, I took on the responsibility of her credit card. Nothing at all really to do with me, but by some twisted logic, because she had used it once to buy groceries and that I ate said dinner cooked from those groceries, I was responsible for paying off her entire credit card. I agreed to do so simply because I was backed into a corner and didn't have the strength in myself to fight it and over the past year I kept my word. Even going as far as throwing in an extra payment at the end to cover any interest.

Imagine the abuse I got in January when the balance was paid up, simply because she was still using the credit card and believed it meant I should be continuing to pay for it. The e-mail yesterday was validation and acceptance that I upheld my part of the bargain but then she hit me with the line "Since you kept up your end of the deal and could afford to pay off the card, you now have that money spare, please could you continue to make those payments so I can clear off the debts that have stacked up this past year while you haven't been here?"

Not sure what to make of that. Has she forgotten that she filed for divorce, that the papers are signed, that she filed false allegation charges and that I haven't responded to anything in the past year? Is she still believing there is some kind of relationship going on? I didn't walk out on an abusive marriage, I stayed until I was told to go and did exactly that. At what point in her extremely distorted mind does she fail to grasp the marriage has been over for a while now? Is she really expecting me to walk back in through the door at any moment like it was some kind of twisted dream? Does she really think by using manners in this email that I'm suddenly going to jump at the opportunity of digging her out of a whole.

There were some other classic sentences in her email "I thought you would have been in contact to see how I am, the fact you haven't means you either don't want to know or you don't care about how I'm doing"

I won't deny that I do feel sad for her because I know just how trapped she is in that house but I also know it was those feelings that kept me trapped in a very abusive relationship which is controlled entirely by her mother. It took quite a few sessions with T for him to get me to realise that exBPDw was just as responsible for the abuse and even though she was a victim of her mothers abuse, she was also an abuser. It was quite difficult to realise that when living in the reality above, the innocent mind of a child with the rage of an adult all rolled in to one.

I have no doubt I will hear more from her over the next few days, with each email becoming more abusive because I haven't responded and then die off again for another 3 weeks. It does make me feel sad for her but at the same time is a constant reminder of what drew me to her in the first place and why I would never entertain the prospect of a recycle.

[drxap]

She is a mentally ill person desperately trying to get your attention and regain control over you. By reading her emails, you are giving her a chance to do that. What are you hoping to gain by reading them?

[Murbay]

Very good question drxap 

I read them out of hope that just one email will just be about how my daughter is and what she is up to instead of it being about my ex. I read them in the hope that one day she is not too abusive and is detached enough for things to move to LC, something the T hopes we can get to one day.

I read them because I miss my daughter, not my ex but as she holds all the cards right now the only thing I can do is hold on to that hope because of my daughter, without being drawn back into the world of crazy.

I have legal advice in both countries and as I don't live in the same country or share the same nationality as my daughter, I have an almost impossible uphill battle for even the slightest of hope. The only thing that can change the odds is working with my ex and for now, it is just a waiting game. So in that sense, she already has an element of control.

[drxap]

That is a terrible position to be in and its terrible that she continues to abuse her position!

[GreenMango]

Murbay this is a really difficult position being separated from your child and in different countries. 

I think you know you aren't responsible to continue to pay her credit card debt.  Sometimes people will continue to take or expect as much as we are willing to give. 

With your particular situation, I definitely encourage you to run this by your therapist and attirnwy, you may want to coinsider how you might be able to negotiate/leverage some time with your child if you are in the position financially to help the ex out a bit with money.

I know it sounds really crappy to think you would have to pay to see your child or that you havent paid enough already... . I'm thinking more of long term relationship with your kid.  The alternative thought is that you could be providing the child an opportunity to some down time away from BPD - ville on a regular basis if you are able to negotiate this with the ex.  I dont know what her reaction would be to the child spending time put of country with you... . could be a typical fear response etc.  But just thinking out loud here.