Hi malibu4x,
check out the LESSONS at the top of the topic list on this board. Over the next weeks and months you will discover that all the answers are there. Of course it is not so simple - connecting these tools with your real life situation is what is challenging so keep asking
Emotions are everything. Facts are nothing! Her memory of good or bad facts is not really an issue that is going to help her.Your question can be boiled down to the essence - can "good" help to cancel out "bad"? Understanding the answer is critical and embracing it takes time. The answer is: NO. In fact the answer is no, no and no. You probably got it with the first no but I'm writing in part for the other readers here
It is absolutely natural to come with good intentions, try to help, cheer up and trying to see the positive. There are in part coping mechanisms in ourselves (where in the right time and place they do good) and part societal expectations. "How do you do" - there is only one answer - a positive one!
Now enter the realm of emotional regulation. In a healthy person like you when you see something painful you recognize that you hurt. You process this sensation and tune the pain feelings down. This ability to drop something on your toes, feel the pain, recognize that you are not mortally wounded and control your emotions is based on "self validation". Internally you recognize the emotion and regulate it down.
PwBPD are really bad in regulating their emotions. For a lot of reasons - high sensitivity, inability to recognize emotions or responding to emotions in contradictory ways. Multiple causes but it all boils down to when the toe hurts the end of the world is neigh and there is no stopping it.
Key to supporting a pwBPD in regulating their emotion is to provide them accurate feedback on their emotion. That fixes not everything but it can help in the moment and can help learning better strategies over time.
Feedback needs to be accurate and timely. PwBPD live in the now. But what does accurate feedback mean? Think about speeding towards a brick wall and you are actually quite close. If you get the feedback the wall is miles away you press the gas pedal... .
Now your wife is unhappy. You want to cheer her up with some positive news. She is angry with you. You want to cheer her up with some proof points that you are good. On the factual plane you are totally right. But she is when emotionally excited a primarily emotional being so take the facts away and you hit her "bad feelings" with a hefty dose of "good feelings". Her internal ability to regulate bad is broken so she heavily relies on seeing "bad" around her to keep the bad feelings in check. You remove the check. You press the gas pedal to the floor... .
Not paying sufficient attention and respect to the inner emotional state of another person and giving the opposite emotional signals is invalidating. Avoiding it is the first step in making things better. The best strategy to avoid invalidation is simply to focus on validation. A good starting point are the LESSONS. And then keep asking how to connect it to your situation
