Plans

[FigureIt]

My uBPD SO never likes to plan in advance. Even the day of I am not completely sure of what we are doing until we actually leave. In about 4 weeks I have an invite for a 2hr. activity.  My SO said something to me about having plans on that date.  Why is it that since I now have a plan for that date something comes up?

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[123Phoebe]

Hi FigureIt,

Not sure I understand... .   Is your bf claiming that the 2 of you have plans for that date together?  Or that he has separate plans?

4 weeks is a long ways off, anything could happen between now and then.  I wouldn't try to get inside his head, even though it's hard not to   Too much energy expended trying to figure out a disordered mind is energy taken away from yourself and what is good and 'real' between you two

[FigureIt]

He has plans to do something that he wants me to come to too. And asked me what I am doing that day... . making me choose one or the other.

I agree 4weeks is a long time and like I said I can never get plans nailed down ahead of time. It just seemed like a test of how I "should" respond.

[wishfulthinking]

What does he say his plans for you are?  My guess is it's a control thing.  He doesn't want you going to your planned event.

[FigureIt]

His plans are watching a sporting event.  Mine is an extended family activity.

[wishfulthinking]

Is he giving you details on his plans?  Such as the time, place, how long he's known, etc?  I just am curious because I still think it's because you have plans and he's trying to regain control.  I dont' think there's anything planned on his end... . well, there might be now, but I bet there wasn't before... .

I think family trumps watching a game.  Does your SO rage when he doesn't get his way?

Mine is fly by night, too.  Never plans anything.  Drives me insane.

[123Phoebe]

His plans are watching a sporting event.  Mine is an extended family activity.

They're happening simultaneously?

FigureIt,

For me, the 'key', is to unlock what's inside of me.  Does it make me nervous, apprehensive, afraid to say 'no'?  Why?

In the grand scheme of things, if this is the man you're wanting to share your life with, I'm sure there will be many more times that the two of you will run into this sort of situation, where plans overlap.

What do you want to do?  Have you accepted the other invitation?  If not, why?

[FigureIt]

They weren't happening simultaneously until he all of the sudden mentions his plans.  I do think it is a control thing. His activity is something we do a lot, meet out friends and watch a sporting event at a local establishment.

I could go to both, but I know by not going immediately with him it will be that I don't care and probably some dis regulation and possibly rage after drinking.

Like I said previously there are NEVER set plans unless it is some special holiday (ex. Xmas)

[123Phoebe]

I could go to both, but I know by not going immediately with him it will be that I don't care and probably some dis regulation and possibly rage after drinking.

If you don't mind my asking, what have you told him so far about your plans? 

Do you have a plan in place in response to some of what you've mentioned above in the event that he does react that way? 

[123Phoebe]

FigureIt, I also want to say that I hear your frustration with him all of a sudden having a 'plan' for the same day as you do, when he never plans anything in advance.  It can just feel like, "HUH?  What's this now... . "

It's super easy to get drawn into their world.  I have been too many times to count, I mean like whoa.  Something had to give because I felt like I was going crazy, when I knew I wasn't!

So, I had to start acting normal   Whatever that is  

I had to put all of that focus that I was putting on him, onto myself.  And let me tell ya, I have my own issues... .   He and I fit together like a glove.

Have you read up about boundaries?

[FigureIt]

I have a evening Bridal Shower to attend, so my SO saw the invitation.  Then he tells me about his plans.  Then asks me what I am doing that day.  Even the plans he made aren't really set.  No one knows about them other then us. 

It is very frustrating.  I'm constantly being drawn in his world.  When I pull back and try to focus on me.  Then I'm cold and unloving.

[123Phoebe]

I have a evening Bridal Shower to attend, so my SO saw the invitation.  Then he tells me about his plans.  Then asks me what I am doing that day.  

"I'm going to so&so's bridal shower at such and such time.  Want to meet up after that?  Sounds like fun getting the gang together!  I love having things to look forward to... . "

Would it feel cold and unloving saying something like this?