How to do any kindness to BPDex w/o interpretation of romantic interest?

[Unleashed]

So, in the interest of the kids, I occasionally, actually frequently, do nice things for separated BPD's home.  Repairs, moving heavy stuff, whatever.  This serves to: a) be with kids during her custody, b) show kids that I am not a tyrant, c) reduce rage session intensity in her d) Because I can, and it is little to me.

The question:  This seems to induce a belief in her that we are getting back together ( 0% chance), any insight?  I just though that a few months into separation it is not nice to leave incompetent wife with zero favors to help.

Thanks,

[Surnia]

Mh, Unleashed,

Good question. I can understand your approach and I think awareness is important here.

I have some concerns about your kids that they have to deal with upcoming wishes too about being family again.

To a) I have mixed feelings here too. How is your custody agreement? 50/50?

b) Do you feel guilty about the divorce sometimes?

c) I have the impression you are still too much focused on her emotions.

d) Okay so far.

Is your wife or the kids asking you about the favors?

I hope this helps a bit.

[janey62]

Hi Unleashed,

It has to be hard when you have kids together, I feel for you.

Surnia has raised some good points here and I would raise one more to add to these.  You say it is in the 'interest of the kids', that you do these things for her, and I agree that it may be good for them to have you around, but if you take the kids out of the equation, we do tend as partners of pwBPD to be somewhat co-dependent ourselves. 

I don't have any kids with my ex, but found myself doing stuff for him when we were together and after we'd separated, mostly because I was worried about him and thought he couldn't do these things for himself.  So my question is this, are you doing it for them or is it because you think she can't manage without you?

I like your resolve, 0% is solid... . It can be a nightmare untangling ourselves completely from these confounding relationships and having kids and therefore contact makes it all the more confusing. 

Janey x

[Unleashed]

To a) I have mixed feelings here too. How is your custody agreement? 50/50?  Long answer: We are switching every few days for now, courts are too busy to hear our separation temporary custody hearing for now.  She was interfering with my day blocks by entering my home and refusing to leave (I armored the doors a bit, she has more recently failed to break in), and she has been snatching kids from school for an "emergency retrieval" due to alleged sudden mental instability at my end(no such thing of course, school is now involved in looking into these two events), and finally she was GPS tracking my phone live, preventing normal kid activities at places, stalking.  This past week interference in my custody has reduced, largely because I secured the above steps better.

b) Do you feel guilty about the divorce sometimes?I must be the odd one here, I do not feel any remorse, our minds can have Thinking or Feeling dominance. I like to say I am a gentle thinker, but when it comes to misconduct, discipline, and major decisions like this, I lean on facts not feelings.  I do feel guilty for selecting a wife many years ago solely as a charity matter and not out of love, for that I am bothered; part because it did her little good, and part because it wasted my years, and part because of kid suffering (wouldn't have been an issue if it wasnt for the contraceptive deception phases at her end, but hey, I love my kids very much)

c) I have the impression you are still too much focused on her emotions.Maybe, if she goes more nuts/suicidal then the kids and I will suffer. She is not at that point right now, but can go that route. I quietly celebrate her adulterous plans because it will unhook her from me more.  Rogue times for her include defamation, attempted lawful burglary, stalking, wasting money. 

Surnia has raised some good points here and I would raise one more to add to these.  You say it is in the 'interest of the kids', that you do these things for her, and I agree that it may be good for them to have you around, but if you take the kids out of the equation, we do tend as partners of pwBPD to be somewhat co-dependent ourselves. I agree, was chatting with a fellow last year that was quite co-dependent. I cannot speak for sure at my end, but... . in the career world I have had to sink some people, and I did usually leave them more blessed than one might expect. "Hey you're fired, but, why don't you call me and we can chat some... . " it's just a habit of how I detach historically. So is doing my wife similarly co-dependent?  Not sure.  I will say that the favors around the house must end in the years to come as I transition to seeking another. I will not subject the next candidate to this non-romantic house-call behavior I have going on, certainly.

I appreciate it.

[Surnia]

Hi unleashed

Long answer: We are switching every few days for now, courts are too busy to hear our separation temporary custody hearing for now.  She was interfering with my day blocks by entering my home and refusing to leave (I armored the doors a bit, she has more recently failed to break in), and she has been snatching kids from school for an "emergency retrieval" due to alleged sudden mental instability at my end

This is not an easy situation - and I realize you have to deal with a lot more right now.

Is there anything you can do on the legal side?

Perhaps you want post also on the legal board: Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody. The senior members there are quite experienced with any situation on earth regarding divorce, custody.