help, I don't know what to do now...

[Olinda]

She's in the sobbing, feeling ashamed place after I refused to engage last night and this morning. She's accusing me of thinking I'm better than her and all high and mighty and emotionless because I didn't break down and take away some of her feelings.

I've y told her I'm setting boundaries and am committed to changing my reactions and myself. I've been saying the serenity prayer non-stop and actually told her I'm going to find a meeting for codependents anonymous.

We have the book high conflict couple by frunzetti that she got so i told her i am committed to working thru it with or without her.

I'm committed to staying and working this out. We need help but I have not told her i think she has BPD.

Now she is saying I'm ignoring her because i took ten minutes to eat breakfast and write this post. I need tips, please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

Changes are often scary, for us sometimes and even more for our SO. So it is often wise not to overload the wagon. 

Step by step - and with validation. Your announcing of finding a CODA group is probably triggering her. Time to validate her feelings. Not by not going, validate her fears or her confusion about it.

I would probably not tell her that you think she has BPD.

About 10 minutes breakfast/posting:

"I hear you, feeling ignored is a difficult place. Lets do something together. What about... . ?"

[an0ught]

Hi Olinda,

Now she is saying I'm ignoring her because i took ten minutes to eat breakfast and write this post. I need tips, please help.

this stuff can get exhausting. Surnia gave you a good hint on how to validate it and be done with it. Because that is where we can save a lot of energy. Instead of fixing her abandonment issue by adjusting the reality - in this case drop everything and serve the queen - just letting her know you truly got it - she is feeling lonely and ignored. Leaving it at telling her you heard it and then leaving it to her to fix it and adjust herself mentally.

Another tip: Watch the video with Fruzzetti here: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.de/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

[Olinda]

Thanks all who replied. She cried for about six hours off and on. I took breaks from offering comfort and being present with her.

When s she was calm, of course exhausted,i reiterated the changes I am making and my commitment to us. I read to get an excerpt from the stop walking on eggshells book that i felt described her pretty well. She agreed that it mostly fit. She asked where i have been getting all this information. So i told her as gently as possible. That i think she has been displaying some BPD behaviors, that i had finally looked into it after the doctor mentioned it months ago.

She was sad and articulated that this adds a whole other level of shame. I cried and reassured her that i am changing me and my reactions and setting boundaries to save our relationship.

Long story short, she is very high functioning and i think ready to try something new. We will find a new therapist next week. We had a lovely evening with a circus class movie and dinner.

I am hopeful

Thanks for the tips. I will be trying them.

OLinda

[goingtostopthis]

Hi Olinda,

             I was curious by what you meant by saying you are not going to take her feelings away for her.

Is this what she wants and how does she expect you to do this?   Is this like bending over backwards in the process of letting her get you all upset with her. Like more or less letting her get you sucked into her drama a lot of which isn't real and more or less a means to demand your time and energy over something she has distorted.

                           It seems more then reasonable for anyone to have some space of their own, like eating breakfast and taking a little time out on the computer to write. Was this the only reason why she became upset? or do you think she was using this as an excuse to make you feel bad over other issues similar to this that has been going on.

                         I think its important for her to be validated but quite frankly I dont see much validation coming your way at all in this post. It sounds like your'e living with a 5 year old and Im not all ways sure as to what the right reaction is for these people. Im not sure if running to their becken call for their idea of validation is all ways the right thing to do.   Sometimes the core issue to these episodes is control. Not all BPDs are the same.    I sometimes think these kind of relationships are asking too much for the average person. Its not a relationship, its one of care taking.  If the other person cant enpathize and understand the other person's side of things,  its not a relationship.  Its pretending.   Its where one person is sucking the life out of another whether they can help it or not.  

                              I think your ideas of getting help are great and I hope you follow through. Tell her again what the plans are, except this time take a softer more loving apprauch.   Tell her you need your time some times for space(like eating breakfast) and that it has nothing to do with you ignoring her.  

[Olinda]

             I was curious by what you meant by saying you are not going to take her feelings away for her.

Is this what she wants and how does she expect you to do this?   Is this like bending over backwards in the process of letting her get you all upset with her. Like more or less letting her get you sucked into her drama a lot of which isn't real and more or less a means to demand your time and energy over something she has distorted.

                           It seems more then reasonable for anyone to have some space of their own, like eating breakfast and taking a little time out on the computer to write. Was this the only reason why she became upset? or do you think she was using this as an excuse to make you feel bad over other issues similar to this that has been going on. 

goingtostopthis -- Your description of getting sucked into her drama is what I felt in this case. Whenever she is in the completely upset wailing and heartbroken place, anything less than complete attention on her and complete presence is considered ignoring her.  I could NOT do 6 hours of this.  I don't have it in me.  I am compassionate and caring and love her and don't wish to see her suffering AND there is not anything I can do in this case except hold her while she cries.  And after doing that for a while, I needed to do other things, including eat breakfast. 

I don't know whether she is 'using it as an excuse', it is hard to put that negative intent on her. 

I keep expecting to have her approval for my self-care and setting of limits and when she is in that place, there is not any way she can give me that approval.  Hence my own issues of co-dependence. 

I'm going to work on that. 

[Olinda]

Changes are often scary, for us sometimes and even more for our SO. So it is often wise not to overload the wagon. 

Step by step - and with validation. Your announcing of finding a CODA group is probably triggering her. Time to validate her feelings. Not by not going, validate her fears or her confusion about it.

I would probably not tell her that you think she has BPD.

About 10 minutes breakfast/posting:

"I hear you, feeling ignored is a difficult place. Lets do something together. What about... . ?"

I wish that it were this simple. She was in the complete wailing, upset, vulnerable, falling apart place.  I don't know what would have happened if I had validated and said "let's do something together". It feels like it would have started a litany of how inconsiderate, emotionless, cold and awful I am for abandoning her in her very painful place. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Olinda--

So hard. I feel ya.

[Surnia]

I wish that it were this simple. She was in the complete wailing, upset, vulnerable, falling apart place. 

Okay, I get it. It may not work when someone is really deregulated.

Doing something for yourself is really important too, so eating a breakfast and have a bit of a break is  a good thing.