Happy birthday

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's my exgf birthday today.

Obviously I knew it was coming... . I journaled a long time last night.  But it was the first thought I had when I opened my eyes this morning,

Part of me wants to acknowledge her birthday of course.  Her bday was usually a happy time for us.

I have been reading when the past is present (among other books similar) and it encourages me to ask yes, now what?  to keep me mindful.

So it's her birthday.

Yes now what?

Ignoring her birthday seems cruel

Yes now what?

But if I do so I break no contact

Yes now what?

But if I don't she might feel disappointed, sad, angry...

Yes now what

She might react

Yes now what?

I would still survive... . and hasn't she painted me black anyway.?

Yes now what?

So I keep looking at myself

Yes now what

I keep healing.

It's hard.but I see that wanting to wish her a happy birthday is for myself rather than her.

So I won't break nc

But I can say it here... .

Happy birthday *****!

Have a fabulous day... . I wish that things would have been different between us.  I wish that our relationship was healthy.  But it isn't, and it never could have been.  I miss you in my life as you were so very important to me... . however I also am beginning to see that the bond we shared was formed by core trauma and not healthy love.

So I won't contact you today... . but I still hope you have a great day and can enjoy yourself. 

Love,

Amu

As for me... . I will attempt to keep myself busy today.  I will get out into the sun that is shining and just keep breathing.  This is simply one day.  It will pass and I will survive.  Life will continue.

[Allmessedup]

It's my exgf birthday today.

Obviously I knew it was coming... . I journaled a long time last night.  But it was the first thought I had when I opened my eyes this morning,

Part of me wants to acknowledge her birthday of course.  Her bday was usually a happy time for us.

I have been reading when the past is present (among other books similar) and it encourages me to ask yes, now what?  to keep me mindful.

So it's her birthday.

Yes now what?

Ignoring her birthday seems cruel

Yes now what?

But if I do so I break no contact

Yes now what?

But if I don't she might feel disappointed, sad, angry...

Yes now what

She might react

Yes now what?

I would still survive... . and hasn't she painted me black anyway.?

Yes now what?

So I keep looking at myself

Yes now what

I keep healing.

It's hard.but I see that wanting to wish her a happy birthday is for myself rather than her.

So I won't break nc

But I can say it here... .

Happy birthday *****!

Have a fabulous day... . I wish that things would have been different between us.  I wish that our relationship was healthy.  But it isn't, and it never could have been.  I miss you in my life as you were so very important to me... . however I also am beginning to see that the bond we shared was formed by core trauma and not healthy love.

So I won't contact you today... . but I still hope you have a great day and can enjoy yourself. 

Love,

Amu

As for me... . I will attempt to keep myself busy today.  I will get out into the sun that is shining and just keep breathing.  This is simply one day.  It will pass and I will survive.  Life will continue.

[seeking balance]

Hi AMU,



Good job posting here - remember, this is the first and you only have to have 1 first.  From my experience, the 2nd was not nearly as difficult or with conflicting emotions.

Hang in there!

SB

[Dolly rocker]

Awwww bless you!

You Know what? Reading messages like yours only confirms my theory that we (ExBpd lovers) are very lovely and right minded people.

Them Bpds were so lucky to have had us, and very unfortunate to have lost us!

Hugs to u

[DownandOut]

I really like this post. Although my uBPDexgf's bday isn't for another couple of months, I have been dreading the day. Our bdays are a month apart and it was always a time for celebration for both of us. Unfortunately, hers comes before mine and I've thought about what I was going to do. I like the choice you made allmessedup, it seems like the way I will likely go. Thanks 

[Cimbaruns]

AMU

You acknowledged the day as you would have if it had truly been the r/s that you believed you could have had... .

She was fortunate to have had you in her life... . although she didn't know it... .

You are a wonderful person... . and you will take from this experience what you need to grow and move ahead... .

I ACKNOWLEDGE THIS DAY WITH YOU IN IT!

Peace to you    AMU

[Soulslider]

Well done Allmessedup!

My dBPDxgf b'day is in a few days as well, and I had exactly the same thoughts as you! It's better to stay no contact, because either way, it will cause you pain I think. If you get a thank you answer, nothing else, what then? Or you might risk engaging her again, and if you change your mind, because of how far you have made it without her, you'll hurt her, which I'm sure is not something on your agenda. You also might get recycled back into the crazy making which will just add another load to your emotional suffering. If you're not emotionally detached, don't risk handing the power back to her, because she will pick up on it, and next thing you know, you will be up hit creek without a paddle. It's difficult, because you're a good person. I'm going to find it a challenge as well. Might do the same as you and post it here:-) Take care

[Allmessedup]

Thank you all for all your kind words, compassion and validation!

I have about made it thru my day.

I tried to keep busy,  went tanning, went shopping

I journaled a lot... . I went thru tears (although I really was not missing her as much as the dream I think)

I went thru anger... . that was at her definately.  I went thru some ego stuff... . as I know right now she is alone... . she has only one real life friend right now... . who is being prepared as my replacement.  But she is a mutual friend and is very sick.  So I suppose I am taking some sick gratification in that... . I always spoiled her rotten and we celebrated hugely.

But now I am ambivalent.  I realize I am more attached than I would like to believe but that gives me more to work on right.  I realize that I have. People who care about me both on the boards as well as I heard from 3 different people today out of the blue.  And I survived and I maintained my nc!

Now it's a hot bath, a nice glass of wine and some house of cards.  I figure I deserve a bit of self indulgence

And tomorrow is a brand new day!

Thank you all so very much for your support!

[seeking balance]

Now it's a hot bath, a nice glass of wine and some house of cards.  I figure I deserve a bit of self indulgence

House of Cards will distract all thought - so intense!

[Tausk]

Thank you all for all your kind words, compassion and validation!

I have about made it thru my day.

I tried to keep busy,  went tanning, went shopping

I journaled a lot... . I went thru tears (although I really was not missing her as much as the dream I think)

I went thru anger... . that was at her definately.  I went thru some ego stuff... . as I know right now she is alone... . she has only one real life friend right now... . who is being prepared as my replacement.  But she is a mutual friend and is very sick.  So I suppose I am taking some sick gratification in that... . I always spoiled her rotten and we celebrated hugely.

But now I am ambivalent.  I realize I am more attached than I would like to believe but that gives me more to work on right.  I realize that I have. People who care about me both on the boards as well as I heard from 3 different people today out of the blue.  And I survived and I maintained my nc!

Now it's a hot bath, a nice glass of wine and some house of cards.  I figure I deserve a bit of self indulgence

And tomorrow is a brand new day!

Thank you all so very much for your support!

Caring for someone is always honorable.  And you honored yourself today by caring for your ex.   We may not be able to give them anything other than no contact.  But we can still care for our exes.

Today was an act of grace. 

Congratulations and thanks for sharing.

T

[Allmessedup]

Thanks tausk!

I needed to hear that!  In some ways I thought perhaps I was being spiteful as I would take the time to wish a complete stranger happy birthday if I was aware of it.

However even though I am sometimes still angry with her, sometimes I even feel vindictive, I do care about her.  Hearing happy birthday from me would hurt us both.  I am glad I chose not to contact her!