My "truth test"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Probably during the last six to nine months of my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf, I started to have a real shift in perspective.  I was doing individual T and working on creating the inner awareness of who I really was as a person.  I felt I had lost or was losing the best part of me while in the abusive r/s with my ex gf.  I started to apply my "truth test" to my life and to the r/s.  What I mean is that I was questioning if I could be my "true self" and be the best I could for myself and the ones I love while in the r/s.  In other words, my "truth test" is built on my values.  Discernment may be another word for it.  I then had some real life "happen" that no one wants to face, but the experiences and the wisdom I gained from the experiences helped provide answers to my "truth test" as applied to the r/s. 

My teen daughter spent 10 days in the hospital mid year after being diagnosed with an eating disorder.  She was down to 100 lbs and her resting heart rate was at 41.  It was the single hardest thing I've ever gone through.  She was released and then spent the next four months on an aggressive weight restoration program with 5 hours of outpatient treatments at a local eating disorder clinic.  She's doing great today and just finished her first season of HS basketball.  I couldn't be more proud and happy that she is healthy.  A month after she got out of the hospital, my daughter gave me the most beautiful Father's Day card.  It was made from scratch and had a quote at the end from the late basketball coach Jim Valvano which said: "My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give another person - he believed in me".  A couple weeks later she wrote in a birthday card to me "thanks for being a great person in my life who I can always trust and learn from."  Those cards will be with me for the rest of my life.  Now, at the same time my ex gf was struggling with a good part of my attention going to the care of my daughter and began acting out and causing me increased stress.  This was the first of two giant examples that these two worlds (my true self vs her needs) couldn't coexist and I began to pull away from the r/s, although I didn't have the strength to leave at that point.   

Then, starting in July my 83 year old mother began to show signs of dementia or Alzheimer's.  I was 2000 miles away from her and the rest of my family.  My family struggled with what to do and I had to travel home a couple times (Sept and Oct) to "rally the troops" to ensure we were moving forward as a family to provide the best care for my mom.  She ended up being diagnosed with Alzheimer's (stage 4), had to spend a week in the hospital to dry out from alcohol, and then moved to a wonderful assisted living facility where she is now happy, healthy and well cared for.  At the same time, my ex gf was acting out and causing me increased stress.  Again, another huge example that these two worlds couldn't coexist.  Around that time, I tried to leave the r/s and came back to it for one last short recycle.

On my last trip home to deal with my mom's situation, I found my forty year old brother on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown, and abusing alcohol.  He was significantly triggered by the stress of his job and the situation with our mom.  I took him to his first AA meeting and then checked him into a 30 day rehab clinic before I left town.  I just thought "what more is going to happen this year?"  My brother is now doing well and is active in his recovery.  We speak daily and he often tells me I am his best friend and the person he always knows will be there for him.

Well, the last chip to fall was ending the r/s and within a month I left the r/s for good.  I had finally built up the inner awareness and strength to recognize that I couldn't be my "true self" and continue in the r/s.  I couldn't allow myself to endure the daily emotional abuse and eventual physical abuse, not have my needs fulfilled and still be good to myself and those around me.  I will take my "truth test" with me and apply it for the rest of my life.  Whether it is in regards to relationships, family, career, money, internal struggles, or just day to day decisions.  This is helping me greatly with my detachment from the ex gf and the effects of the 3 year r/s.  It is helping me with my own accountability.  It is also greatly helping me move forward in to the next phase of my life.  This is where my head, my heart and my gut are starting to come to agreement on my decision to walk away from the r/s.

I know that many of you here are struggling with detachment and have faced issues in your r/s that are far worse than I endured.  Can you be the best for yourself and the ones you love by participating in or remaining attached to the r/s?  If the answer is "no", then it's "no".  "It is what it is".

I thought I'd share this in case it might help you.  Good luck on your journey!  I'm now seeing light where there was once darkness... .  

[Madison66]

Probably during the last six to nine months of my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf, I started to have a real shift in perspective.  I was doing individual T and working on creating the inner awareness of who I really was as a person.  I felt I had lost or was losing the best part of me while in the abusive r/s with my ex gf.  I started to apply my "truth test" to my life and to the r/s.  What I mean is that I was questioning if I could be my "true self" and be the best I could for myself and the ones I love while in the r/s.  In other words, my "truth test" is built on my values.  Discernment may be another word for it.  I then had some real life "happen" that no one wants to face, but the experiences and the wisdom I gained from the experiences helped provide answers to my "truth test" as applied to the r/s. 

My teen daughter spent 10 days in the hospital mid year after being diagnosed with an eating disorder.  She was down to 100 lbs and her resting heart rate was at 41.  It was the single hardest thing I've ever gone through.  She was released and then spent the next four months on an aggressive weight restoration program with 5 hours of outpatient treatments at a local eating disorder clinic.  She's doing great today and just finished her first season of HS basketball.  I couldn't be more proud and happy that she is healthy.  A month after she got out of the hospital, my daughter gave me the most beautiful Father's Day card.  It was made from scratch and had a quote at the end from the late basketball coach Jim Valvano which said: "My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give another person - he believed in me".  A couple weeks later she wrote in a birthday card to me "thanks for being a great person in my life who I can always trust and learn from."  Those cards will be with me for the rest of my life.  Now, at the same time my ex gf was struggling with a good part of my attention going to the care of my daughter and began acting out and causing me increased stress.  This was the first of two giant examples that these two worlds (my true self vs her needs) couldn't coexist and I began to pull away from the r/s, although I didn't have the strength to leave at that point.   

Then, starting in July my 83 year old mother began to show signs of dementia or Alzheimer's.  I was 2000 miles away from her and the rest of my family.  My family struggled with what to do and I had to travel home a couple times (Sept and Oct) to "rally the troops" to ensure we were moving forward as a family to provide the best care for my mom.  She ended up being diagnosed with Alzheimer's (stage 4), had to spend a week in the hospital to dry out from alcohol, and then moved to a wonderful assisted living facility where she is now happy, healthy and well cared for.  At the same time, my ex gf was acting out and causing me increased stress.  Again, another huge example that these two worlds couldn't coexist.  Around that time, I tried to leave the r/s and came back to it for one last short recycle.

On my last trip home to deal with my mom's situation, I found my forty year old brother on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown, and abusing alcohol.  He was significantly triggered by the stress of his job and the situation with our mom.  I took him to his first AA meeting and then checked him into a 30 day rehab clinic before I left town.  I just thought "what more is going to happen this year?"  My brother is now doing well and is active in his recovery.  We speak daily and he often tells me I am his best friend and the person he always knows will be there for him.

Well, the last chip to fall was ending the r/s and within a month I left the r/s for good.  I had finally built up the inner awareness and strength to recognize that I couldn't be my "true self" and continue in the r/s.  I couldn't allow myself to endure the daily emotional abuse and eventual physical abuse, not have my needs fulfilled and still be good to myself and those around me.  I will take my "truth test" with me and apply it for the rest of my life.  Whether it is in regards to relationships, family, career, money, internal struggles, or just day to day decisions.  This is helping me greatly with my detachment from the ex gf and the effects of the 3 year r/s.  It is helping me with my own accountability.  It is also greatly helping me move forward in to the next phase of my life.  This is where my head, my heart and my gut are starting to come to agreement on my decision to walk away from the r/s.

I know that many of you here are struggling with detachment and have faced issues in your r/s that are far worse than I endured.  Can you be the best for yourself and the ones you love by participating in or remaining attached to the r/s?  If the answer is "no", then it's "no".  "It is what it is".

I thought I'd share this in case it might help you.  Good luck on your journey!  I'm now seeing light where there was once darkness... .  

[GreenMango]

Madison thank you for sharing your hindsight perspective on how that time was and how it changed you.  It was very articulate and thoughtful.  I'm glad I saw your thread... . it seems like threads that dig deeper into the detaching steps and are pulling out seeing things in the rearview mirror don't get the play they deserve.

It's also good to hear your family is doing better and that you recognized your limits.  It's not easy to do that.

I agree wholeheartedly that those values you mentioned and living them -letting them be the guide- makes a huge difference.

Did decisions get easier when you started relying on those values and true self principles you spoke of?

[Madison66]

GreenMango,

The decisions did get easier when I applied my values and at the same time I felt a larger disconnect with the r/s. I felt a greater and greater pressure inside about the r/s feeling wrong. My T told me that on the first call I made to her two years ago, she could hear that pressure in my voice. It just took so long for me to finally understand that the r/s and the abuse was sucking the life out of me. And, that my values (love for self is my first written value) could not coexist in the r/s. I finally had to leave the r/s so I could be the person I strive to be for myself and the ones I love. That was an excrutiatingly hard decision. Choosing to forgiving myself was even harder.

Since leaving the r/s, the decisions have been easier and easier. That is what matters now... .

[GreenMango]

You bring up an interesting thought... . That even the though the decision was still difficult you went through with it.

It think there's a misconception about these things sometimes ... . ie following your values is easy or its going to feel better right away or it always feels good.  Like maybe their won't be struggle emotionally to some degree.

I think the same goes for the path to acceptance.   For me it wasn't like one day waking up feeling great again.  It was knowing I made the right decision for my longterm and it was going to be okay eventually. 

What are trying to forgive yourself for?

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for sharing your insight Madison and your story. It seems I myself have actually been applying the "truth test" without even knowing it. I have big life events going on right now at the same time that I  struggle to decide what to do with my r/s. My approach has always been similar to yours. Be available, focus, put my priorities in line and use my gifts in order to assist others. At times like these like right now when my mother is sick in the hospital and needing a lot of my attention, I pride myself on being there for her as well as for my children and still being able to run my business.  My h also used to be a priority in this mix, but has lost that privilege in the past 3? months  which is why I am here.  I am usually able to tackle this with my head held high and my spirits high.  Until recently, I have always tried to get my H to support and be a part of this journey, while encouraging his individualism. Hasn't worked. Extreme effort with disappointing results.  My uBPDH  acts starved for my attention shifting from trying (pretending?) to be the hero and show his availability and concern for the situation (until I buy it) when he turns and his actions and words insult my decisions... . "You are being selfish". "I am the victim". And if it's really threatening to him " f#*# you. Get out". Strange thing is, I really don't bite anymore.  I stopped feeding the fire. The flames are still there but now I walk around them (okay maybe I walk through them). I believe that my path needs to continue to change direction to avoid the fire altogether. My H has mostly caused me increased stress.  Even during the little things.  I can remember a few times when he released me, like when our 2 youngest suffered with Croup or were hospitalized but mostly, I question my true self in his presence.

Green mango, thank you for reinforcing the notion that it is not easy. While I know that as truth, it is good to be reminded that there is work to be done and difficult feelings to be felt... . and mostly, that it's okay. I am not afraid of the work, though too often, I place my feelings on the shelf with the notion that I will get to them eventually.  I must visit that.

I do see a different person in myself than I did a year ago. A much healthier and peaceful me. (Though my uBPDH would say the opposite). I am determined to be the best version of myself and also cannot see that correlating with staying in an unhealthy r/s. It's been proven countless times.

I am still struggling to take the next step though. Tough for me to realize it is not failure. 22 years in and 4 beautiful children later... . It's still heart wrenching. But probably, as I've said before, walking through the rubbish is less frightening than a what I "imagine" it to be.  Baby steps, but steps forward nonetheless.

Thank you!

[Madison66]

What are trying to forgive yourself for?

A huge part of my recovery so far has been to forgive myself for the failure of the r/s, for cutting off contact with my ex gf's three young kids (not coincidentally all suffering the effects of anxiety and other developmental issues), and for exposing my d15 to the whole mess.  I discovered through T that this lack of forgiveness of myself was tied to the feelings of failure I had regarding my r/s with my late alcoholic father.  Once I confronted those feelings and released the pain I was holding in for years and years, I was also able to see that I had no reason to hold onto any feelings of guilt or shame from the failure of the r/s with my ex gf.  It was like a huge weight was lifted.  I'm also finding that I'm not holding on to other things in life that used to weigh on my mind and steal my energy.

Another lesson I've learned from all of this is to live in the present.  That helps me slow life down to clearly see what is beautiful, noble and sacred.  And, as Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) so eloquently said "deep and simple is far more essential than shallow and complex".  I love that line and it applies so accurately to where I was and where I'm striving to be in life. 


   

[Landslide2014]

Thank you Madison.  I would probably imagine that my guilty feelings also tie in to my FOO and taking responsibility for my alcoholic mothers behavior.  Ingrained.  My actions as an adult toward my uBPDH and toward my mother are so closely related. The difference is, that then it was for survival. Not that I haven't  equated it to survival with my present relationship, however I can still survive (actually I can thrive) if I trade in the unhealthy coping mechanisms for healthy ones. I am learning to trust the process and be in the e moment.  It's a beautiful connected feeling when I successfully just be. I have never felt weightless on my shoulders, and sometimes now,  I do. I know that it is progress that counts, not perfection. However, my instincts and habits surface a lot. Breathing has helped tremendously. ":)eep and simple... . " I love that quote and have actually never heard it (despite my being a big childhood Mr. Rogers fan!). Thanks again for your reassurance,  it is priceless at this time.

[Madison66]

Landslide - not sure where you are located, but PBS in the US just ran a special in my area last night called "Mr. Rogers and Me".  It was a documentary film made a few years ago.  It was wonderful and you may be able to find it online.  I loved it!

[toomanyeggshells]

Madison66, this is such a great post and echos so much of how I feel.  I've recently moved over to this board after trying for 4 years to make a go of my r/s with uBPDbf.  Unfortunately, I haven't taken the biggest step of moving out of our house yet.  No matter what I do to keep my side of the street clean, its useless.  His behavior doesn't change.  So I've decided to take care of myself even more.  I recently went to visit my D24 for a weekend, just because I felt like it.  UBPDbf was angry about it (I was putting someone else before him), but too bad.  My heart and gut told me to visit her and I wasn't going to let his temper tantrum stop me.

Just like your post, whenever there's something I need to do with or for a family member, it causes problems.  He can't be supportive, he can only feel left out and bad about himself.  There's nothing I can do about that.  I can only do what feels right for me, and visiting my aging parents and being there for my adult kids is more important to me than trying to keep the peace with him, which is impossible no matter what. 

Your post gives me hope and more confidence to move forward.   

[Madison66]

toomanyeggshells,

Good luck with your journey and please keep following your gut.  I can tell you that it was so difficult to listen to my gut while I was in the r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  That old saying that I "couldn't see the forest for the trees" applied big time.  The gross double standards, extreme lack of empathy, emotional abuse and the emotional immaturity were exhibited in ways that confused me and at the same time felt so wrong.  I swear I had a "story" for myself and those on the outside rationalizing her behavior and why I accepted it.  My gut finally over-rode the "story" and it was almost as if a force came in and directed me out of the r/s.  That force may have been my higher self.  I'm here now facing day to day struggles, but more grounded and at peace.  The struggles are getting much better... .

[toomanyeggshells]

I'm really happy for you Madison.  Sounds like you're getting to a very good place.  I hope to follow you there soon!

[Turkish]

I recently went to visit my D24 for a weekend, just because I felt like it.  UBPDbf was angry about it (I was putting someone else before him), but too bad.  My heart and gut told me to visit her and I wasn't going to let his temper tantrum stop me.

Your post gives me hope and more confidence to move forward.   

It will be nice when we get to the point where we can do normal things like this and feel no guilt or questions about it whatsoever. Good for you for standing up for the normal.

[Landslide2014]

Okay, Madison, thanks for the Mr. Rogers tip. I just searched youtube and caught clips. I never realized how inspirational he was, maybe because of his slow talking. So this lightened my mood and I believe it was a reinforcement message from my higher power using others to deliver it to me. Mr. Rogers talk/singing "The Truth Will Make Me Free" says so much. What has been coming up for me all week has been the notion that I need to allow for all of my feelings including the difficult ones to come out. It's a challenge for me to sit with fear and intense sadness or anger. I often bottle these and focus on a more positive distraction, but then where do they go?  Well according to my T, the wisdom from many on this site... . And now confirmed by good old Fred... . " the truth is inside of us and it's wonderful when we have the courage to tell it... . "  Ah-ha!

[toomanyeggshells]

I recently went to visit my D24 for a weekend, just because I felt like it.  UBPDbf was angry about it (I was putting someone else before him), but too bad.  My heart and gut told me to visit her and I wasn't going to let his temper tantrum stop me.

Your post gives me hope and more confidence to move forward.   

It will be nice when we get to the point where we can do normal things like this and feel no guilt or questions about it whatsoever. Good for you for standing up for the normal.

Unfortunately, unless uBPDbf gets therapy (which he's said will never happen), while I'm in this r/s, I won't ever be able to do things without his questions or outbursts.  That's why I'm looking to a better future on my own with no questions, jealousy, threats, etc. 

Thanks Turkish for your support.   

[GreenMango]

Kids make it more difficult lots of emotions there.  They are really easy to get attached to... . how could you not?


The Mr. Rogers quote is pretty cool.  And the part about slowing down.