When will she ever listen to me?

[Moselle]

I just spent a whole day empathising, listening and validating my separated uBPDw. I expressed my right to be heard as well and she ran for the hills, refused to listen. Said she just can't, so I had a chance to force my word In, or just walk away and avoid conflict.

I chose to walk away due to my commitment to avoid conflict situations, but I now sit with resentment for not being allowed to speak my mind in a relationship. That is my right, to speak and not be interrupted. How do I deal with:

1. My right to speak

2. The resentment and anger I feel at the complete lack of reciprocation.

Has anyone had any success with this type of thing?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

I guess we have decide if we can tolerate the possible fact that they may never be able to validate and listen to us... .

I hear you, it does not seem fair.

Somewhere on here or in the book Stop Walking on Eggshells someone said somethign like:  BPDs are emotionally immature and it's like expecting someone who has 2 broken legs to get up and do housework, they just can't.  Maybe BPDs just can't give us validation, appreciation and approval.  We have to get those needs met elsewhere.

[woodsposse]

I totally understand what you are saying.  I believe we all have been there... . many many times.

The short answer is - no, she will not ever ever ever listen to you - mostly because she can't.

it took me a very long time to understand this concept.  It isn't that she can't hear the words coming out of your mouth.  She hears just fine.  But other than that... . there is a disconnect that is hard wired in their head.

I don't think it is like asking someone with 2 broken legs to get up and do anything.  It is more like asking a blind man to describe the how beautiful the sunset is.  It can't be done.

It is a hard road to get to the point of acceptance.  But TRUST ME - it is possible and you can get there. 

I'm pretty new to the boards here, so I'm sure others will and can help point out some other readings you can look at which can speak to this.  But just know, you are not alone.  If she doesn't hear you - we do.

I hope that helps a little.  I know it did for me.

[Moselle]

Thanks folks. All great advice. I did get my chance to express myself. Took 2 hours of waiting and I was creative about it. I just had a call with the whole family and explained to the children and separated uBPDw together what our universal human rights are. Veiled it as a teaching moment for the children, but it was basically setting out my boundaries with her. Now the whole family knows what is acceptable and when any of us are impinging on the other's rights. It feels really good and the wife was actually very receptive to it in the end.

[hergestridge]

You will have to really bite your toungue. Selective hearing is a super-power attached to BPD.

The truth is that they feel that their own feelings and needs are so important that they don't even notice that you're talking.

My four year old daughter is now more attentive to my needs than my BPDw.