cycles of abuse, repeat cycles, and my truth

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been 90 days today since I went NC.

I can tell you that 90 days ago I was full of fear, despair, and hopelessness. I couldn't put thought processes together, I couldn't go an hour without a crying bout, and I was suicidal, as well as, homicidal.  Today, I am safe. I am free, and I know what I want in my life. I won't rush to get it either. I believe when God is ready for you to have something in your life, it will present itself. I don't plan on dating for another nine months or so, but I DO plan on working very hard on myself, so when God sees fit to put a woman in my life again, I will be 10 times a better man than I was with my son's mother.

The hardest thing I had to look at throughout this was me. I had to look at the fact that my drinking was absolutely out of control during the latter part of our RS. That when I was drinking, I was no good to my son, her, or myself. That she wasn't the only person who was abusive.  That I, had a part to play in that, as well. I was verbally abusive to her, and I can sit here and I can explain away with my heart's sincerity that I was defending myself those times she slapped, punched, kicked, bit, or threw missiles at my brain; but when I look at the nitty gritty absolute truth about myself and our situations, there is no denying the fact that I still put my hands on this woman. I still pushed her out of a doorway, and I still picked her up, threw her on a bed, and physically restrained her.

So, there.  I can admit to my part in this cycle of abuse. Doesn't feel good knowing the truth, accepting what you've done, and admitting it to everyone; but I want to different.  I cannot start a spiritual journey based on a lie, and no matter how much I try to justify my past actions, they will always be just that---a lie! But I no longer have to accept that either.  I do believe that acceptance can bring me some peace, stability, however, I don't think that I have to accept the unacceptable.  Unacceptable behavior by me, my son's mother, my own mother... . anyone.  I seek the truth today, and the truth is I have no idea what the answers are.  The truth is, I have to own my shortcomings for me to change. I have to grow up and take responsibility for me. It really is easy, difficult and scary, but easy. I choose to have unacceptable behavior in my life. I can get rid of it by removing the people from my life that bring chaos and drama, and really, that is a choice I make, not anyone else.

You know, I have been advised by my attorney to not give my son's mother any money until ordered so by the court. I am working 2 jobs and made more cash on Friday night bar tending than I had in a long, long time. I have money to give her, and I called my sponsor.  Another thing I do today, is before I act ON ANYTHING, I call someone in my support group to see if I my intentions and motives are good.  He told me if my intentions were good, and I did not expect anything to come about it, to cut the check.

You see, I don't know if the money will go to my son, but it's none of my business anyway. This is a part of my amends process to my son's mother.  I will be doing these amends as a living part of my life.  That every month, I cut her the check, I am there for her boy, and that I treat her with kindness and respect.  She will get that from me until the day I die.  I don't know if it will bring the peace or an olive branch; but I don't really care either. This is about me, not her.  I want to be the best man I can be for me. She doesn't want my money, she wants her money, and that's exactly what I am sending her from now on.  Her money to take care of my boy.  It hasn't been ordered by the court, advised by my attorney, IT'S JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  So, I cut the check and I put it in an envelope and put it in my son's bag.  In her mind, it will probably not be enough, but again, that money wasn't about her... . it was about me.  I have to change my attitude, because I don't have the power to change hers or anyone of ya'lls for that matter.

It's all good today.  I am in a good place.  I would say the more I look at myself, the harder I am on me, the better I feel, and the more I grow.  She is doing the same behaviors with my replacement as she did with me.  I hear from people "in the know", and to tell you the truth it makes me sad. I feel for this woman who I have had a deep love for so long, I feel terrible knowing she cannot ever have a loving relationship with anyone.  It's sad to me and I wish I could be there for her.

But I know now that day will never be.  I will never try saving her again.  I will never take care of her financially again.  I will continue cutting the checks for my son; but today I am bowing out gracefully, exiting stage left, grabbing a coffee to go, and searching for truth within myself and the universe around me... . for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with that.

[arn131arn]

It's been 90 days today since I went NC.

I can tell you that 90 days ago I was full of fear, despair, and hopelessness. I couldn't put thought processes together, I couldn't go an hour without a crying bout, and I was suicidal, as well as, homicidal.  Today, I am safe. I am free, and I know what I want in my life. I won't rush to get it either. I believe when God is ready for you to have something in your life, it will present itself. I don't plan on dating for another nine months or so, but I DO plan on working very hard on myself, so when God sees fit to put a woman in my life again, I will be 10 times a better man than I was with my son's mother.

The hardest thing I had to look at throughout this was me. I had to look at the fact that my drinking was absolutely out of control during the latter part of our RS. That when I was drinking, I was no good to my son, her, or myself. That she wasn't the only person who was abusive.  That I, had a part to play in that, as well. I was verbally abusive to her, and I can sit here and I can explain away with my heart's sincerity that I was defending myself those times she slapped, punched, kicked, bit, or threw missiles at my brain; but when I look at the nitty gritty absolute truth about myself and our situations, there is no denying the fact that I still put my hands on this woman. I still pushed her out of a doorway, and I still picked her up, threw her on a bed, and physically restrained her.

So, there.  I can admit to my part in this cycle of abuse. Doesn't feel good knowing the truth, accepting what you've done, and admitting it to everyone; but I want to different.  I cannot start a spiritual journey based on a lie, and no matter how much I try to justify my past actions, they will always be just that---a lie! But I no longer have to accept that either.  I do believe that acceptance can bring me some peace, stability, however, I don't think that I have to accept the unacceptable.  Unacceptable behavior by me, my son's mother, my own mother... . anyone.  I seek the truth today, and the truth is I have no idea what the answers are.  The truth is, I have to own my shortcomings for me to change. I have to grow up and take responsibility for me. It really is easy, difficult and scary, but easy. I choose to have unacceptable behavior in my life. I can get rid of it by removing the people from my life that bring chaos and drama, and really, that is a choice I make, not anyone else.

You know, I have been advised by my attorney to not give my son's mother any money until ordered so by the court. I am working 2 jobs and made more cash on Friday night bar tending than I had in a long, long time. I have money to give her, and I called my sponsor.  Another thing I do today, is before I act ON ANYTHING, I call someone in my support group to see if I my intentions and motives are good.  He told me if my intentions were good, and I did not expect anything to come about it, to cut the check.

You see, I don't know if the money will go to my son, but it's none of my business anyway. This is a part of my amends process to my son's mother.  I will be doing these amends as a living part of my life.  That every month, I cut her the check, I am there for her boy, and that I treat her with kindness and respect.  She will get that from me until the day I die.  I don't know if it will bring the peace or an olive branch; but I don't really care either. This is about me, not her.  I want to be the best man I can be for me. She doesn't want my money, she wants her money, and that's exactly what I am sending her from now on.  Her money to take care of my boy.  It hasn't been ordered by the court, advised by my attorney, IT'S JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  So, I cut the check and I put it in an envelope and put it in my son's bag.  In her mind, it will probably not be enough, but again, that money wasn't about her... . it was about me.  I have to change my attitude, because I don't have the power to change hers or anyone of ya'lls for that matter.

It's all good today.  I am in a good place.  I would say the more I look at myself, the harder I am on me, the better I feel, and the more I grow.  She is doing the same behaviors with my replacement as she did with me.  I hear from people "in the know", and to tell you the truth it makes me sad. I feel for this woman who I have had a deep love for so long, I feel terrible knowing she cannot ever have a loving relationship with anyone.  It's sad to me and I wish I could be there for her.

But I know now that day will never be.  I will never try saving her again.  I will never take care of her financially again.  I will continue cutting the checks for my son; but today I am bowing out gracefully, exiting stage left, grabbing a coffee to go, and searching for truth within myself and the universe around me... . for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with that.

[Skip]

I, had a part to play in that, as well. I was verbally abusive to her, and I can sit here and I can explain away with my heart's sincerity that I was defending myself those times she slapped, punched, kicked, bit, or threw missiles at my brain; but when I look at the nitty gritty absolute truth about myself and our situations, there is no denying the fact that I still put my hands on this woman. I still pushed her out of a doorway, and I still picked her up, threw her on a bed, and physically restrained her

This is good arn.  Seeing yourself is hard - it is for all of us.  It will take time to turn the statement above into what was you and what was her, but you are on that path and will get there.  Understanding this is critical to growing.

You're smart to be bouncing things off your support group - getting an unbiased opinion.  As hard as it is for us to see ourselves - others see us pretty well.  Many of us could see you all along  

I might suggest investing some time in understanding the family court.  While you are getting great living advice from your support team - but remember that family court is run by formula, not justice.  You want to put your best foot forward and, most importantly,  you don't want to step on any land mines.  There are many people that have been through the process and made mistakes and are sharing to help others avoid them.

[arn131arn]

I will Skip.  Any websites in the state of Louisiana that you could/would recommend?

I have been to court twice in a month.  I won both times.  I have done nothing but give her the rope to hang herself.  Our judge is very well-known nationally, she is fair, believes the mother and father should both have rights, and so far, I cannot complain about her.  She's given me more in a month than I thought I would get in a year.

The judge nor her attorney is not buying her s**t anymore.

The best part of the last court date her dad mentioned to my attorney about handling it amicably and maybe not going back in late April... . where was that when I was dying to see him late January for his birthday?

I like math, Skip.  What is this formula that you speak of?  Could you PM me, don't want to hijack the thread?

Always a thanks, Skip

Arn

[mywifecrazy]

God Bless You Arn. All you can change is Yourself! Being honest about yourself is the path to freedom, peace and happiness. But like what was mentioned before please be smart. You don't want to do anything that may be used against you and your relationship with your son.

Hang in there brother!