I ended it yesterday.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I ended it yesterday. It did not go well at all. he freaked and in several conversations he raged, begged, would give me the whole "I'm trying to understand." speech. This same day, I told him he had BPD and told him I would give him some information on it because he wanted to know the reason i was leaving. The next day, I went to his house and read 10 pages of BPD information that I had compiled that I felt was relavent to him. He cried, listened, understood, said he was sorry ( that's a first), for the past 5 years I have been torn down. I told him I had nothing left to give and same things we all say to them. After all those years of trying to get him to seek help after burning out and laying in the yard crying and saying he knew he needed help and that he was depressed, bla, bla, bla, but never doing it? He tells me that he is going to go to counceling. He is also going to go to church. I go to church and he had always gave me hell on how I shouldn't be living my life by a book, etc. for five years. He said he was going to change. This was right after telling me that the day before when he said things to me that were just horrible to hear, that he didn't remember saying certain things or even hearing me talk because he was so out of it. i told him that I couldn't be his girlfriend but would support him if he got help. He then looks at me and says he will never yell at me again or be mean. He also made a reference to be not dating. really?I told him that it took 5 years of him doing this to our relationship, and that it's going to take a long time of me seeing results to fix it. Why should I stay when he was allowed to treat me like that for so long. If he can't do the work to fix himself, then I refuse to fall back into the same old trap. I bet I told him a hundred times," You can't love someone else, until you love yourself." Don't think he got it... .

[lauraj]

I ended it yesterday. It did not go well at all. he freaked and in several conversations he raged, begged, would give me the whole "I'm trying to understand." speech. This same day, I told him he had BPD and told him I would give him some information on it because he wanted to know the reason i was leaving. The next day, I went to his house and read 10 pages of BPD information that I had compiled that I felt was relavent to him. He cried, listened, understood, said he was sorry ( that's a first), for the past 5 years I have been torn down. I told him I had nothing left to give and same things we all say to them. After all those years of trying to get him to seek help after burning out and laying in the yard crying and saying he knew he needed help and that he was depressed, bla, bla, bla, but never doing it? He tells me that he is going to go to counceling. He is also going to go to church. I go to church and he had always gave me hell on how I shouldn't be living my life by a book, etc. for five years. He said he was going to change. This was right after telling me that the day before when he said things to me that were just horrible to hear, that he didn't remember saying certain things or even hearing me talk because he was so out of it. i told him that I couldn't be his girlfriend but would support him if he got help. He then looks at me and says he will never yell at me again or be mean. He also made a reference to be not dating. really?I told him that it took 5 years of him doing this to our relationship, and that it's going to take a long time of me seeing results to fix it. Why should I stay when he was allowed to treat me like that for so long. If he can't do the work to fix himself, then I refuse to fall back into the same old trap. I bet I told him a hundred times," You can't love someone else, until you love yourself." Don't think he got it... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lauraj, It takes a lot of guts to end the BPD cycle, yet you did it in admirable fashion.  Well done!  Your plan for the future seems sound, so stick with it and be careful not to get sucked back in.  Those w/BPD have a powerful vacuum and will use various manipulations to get you back under their thumb.  Don't get lost in the FOG!  It will likely be rough sledding for a while so hang in there, Lucky Jim

[mybonnie]

I like the advice posted above me by Lucky Jim.   I was involved with a BPD for five years and anytime I broke up, boy he was right there at the therapist and acting all different until he got me back and then within weeks he systematically reverted to his old miserable ways and dropped the therapy.  He knew when he had me hooked.  So, if you are at all tempted, then make him show you for a good couple of years just how serious he is.  That's my advice, which I did not follow and I ended up taking a job out of state because I knew I'd never have the will to stay gone from him if I stayed around.  Looking back, it was a tough but great decision for me to get the heck out of dodge. 

[LettingGo14]

I bet I told him a hundred times," You can't love someone else, until you love yourself." Don't think he got it... .

Lauraj, 

You made a big step to end the relationship -- for you. I want to echo comments by others and underscore a couple of things I have learned here. 

#1) The FOG is real and, based on what you said, he's doing all he can to keep you hooked.   What are your plans for "no contact"?  You don't have to post your plans here, but you may wish to write out your plan, for your sake.   There might be times he reaches out, and there might be others that you want to check in with him.   This is a "process" of detaching, and I can attest after a 4-year relationship that "closing the door" is very very difficult.  A written plan for yourself can be helpful -- for instance, I blocked all numbers on iphone, set filters to trash for e-mail, and blocked all social media.   

#2) What are your plans for healing yourself?  For a long time I focused on my xBPDgf.   It wasn't until I let go of diagnosing her that I started to focus on me, and why I stayed for so long.  I can't save her, but I can save myself.

There's a lot of good information in this community.  You're in the right place.

[Madison66]

lauraj,

That is heartbreaking stuff and all I can say is that it sounds like you handled the b/u about as well as you could have.  I was so FOG'd in I couldn't even really make any rational sense when I finally ended my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf in early December.  For me, it escalated to physical abuse (by her) during the last month we were together.  I'm now over 90 days out with much of it n/c.  Peace, love and balance are returning to my life.  I heard all those things about "promises to change", etc.  She even stood there crying and telling me she loved me so much while she was emotionally abusing me and right before she put her hands on me for the last time. 

I have used this analogy here a few times and I'll share it with you.  I could invision myself sitting in the backseat of my car not having my needs fulfilled for the hundredth time.  Without even contemplating what I would do next, I saw myself get out of the backseat, get in the front seat of my car (life) and drive away.  I was burned out!  Diagnosis or not, I could no longer participate in the r/s and be my true self.  It sounds like that is where you are at and I give you so much credit for your strength.  I can tell you that this website, my friends and family along with my T have been hugely helpful in my recovery.  If you do not have a T, I recommend seeking one out to help you move forward.  N/c has been extremely helpful.  It is now time to focus on YOU!  Good luck on your journey!