Family and BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So with Easter comin up and a family gathering planned for most people thats a time for fun and excitement. Not here. Its a time for "I don't want to go so you plan on being sick or something." Then to top it off her sister is graduating "again" from college and wants us to attend the ceremony. She has had 2 others already and I don't think we need to go. So I said I was going turkey hunting which wouldn't be a lie at all. I get along great with everyone in her family. She would like nothing more than ti be isolated from the world.

We saw a show where a wife was battleing cancer and the husband was extremely supportive and basically as solid as a rock for the family without asking for a single thing. He took it all upon himself to make sure everything he could do for his wife and 2 kids went as perfect as could be. At the end of the show the wife was talkign off camera about her husband and said "I need to remind him that I noticed what he did and its time he can start to take care of himself now and worry about me less. I need to maybe take care of hm a littel bit now to since he did so much for me without a single bit of weakness."  I thought now there is a truelly stong woman.  Then my wife says to me would youtake care of me? I'm thinking to myslef that I already do all those things for you and yet you are capable and don't have cancer. Then she says if we had cancer we would die because we don't have friends and family support. I again thought to myslef we could have that and used to have that.

[Cipher13]

So with Easter comin up and a family gathering planned for most people thats a time for fun and excitement. Not here. Its a time for "I don't want to go so you plan on being sick or something." Then to top it off her sister is graduating "again" from college and wants us to attend the ceremony. She has had 2 others already and I don't think we need to go. So I said I was going turkey hunting which wouldn't be a lie at all. I get along great with everyone in her family. She would like nothing more than ti be isolated from the world.

We saw a show where a wife was battleing cancer and the husband was extremely supportive and basically as solid as a rock for the family without asking for a single thing. He took it all upon himself to make sure everything he could do for his wife and 2 kids went as perfect as could be. At the end of the show the wife was talkign off camera about her husband and said "I need to remind him that I noticed what he did and its time he can start to take care of himself now and worry about me less. I need to maybe take care of hm a littel bit now to since he did so much for me without a single bit of weakness."  I thought now there is a truelly stong woman.  Then my wife says to me would youtake care of me? I'm thinking to myslef that I already do all those things for you and yet you are capable and don't have cancer. Then she says if we had cancer we would die because we don't have friends and family support. I again thought to myslef we could have that and used to have that.

[maxsterling]

ha!  So similar... .   The only way she will go to her own family functions is if I go.  She claims they like me more than they like her.  All I can suggest for you is when these things come up - if you want to go, tell her you are going.  And if she wants to lie, tell her that you aren't comfortable doing that.  I'm not sure how to phrase it in such a way she won't feel abandoned, but you can't let her control your social life.  And I am one of those "do as I say, not as I do people", because I struggle with this, too. 

That's interesting about the show, because similar situations have arisen in my r/s where we will see something like this, and she will say "I would take care of you if you got sick."  And she will also make comments about having no family to take care of her, no kids, etc.  The truth is, she *could* have that, but she keeps driving everyone away.  The other day, we were on the way to her dad's house (a man she has mostly painted black) and she remarked how she wished he would give her money.  Okay, a reasonable situation, I wonder if she would ask? She said he used to give her money - 750 a month - when she was in college about 20 years ago.  And what did she do?  Spent it on heroin while she lived mostly homeless.   And that just makes me think - "gee, had she acted more responsibly, maybe he would be offering to help her out now, meanwhile, she is complaining that he is not supportive, and makes that his fault."