Need some input

[woodsposse]

So, I'm doing more work on myself after my r/s ruptured with my diagnosed PD wife... . and that is how I ended up here.  I did the research on the disorder and how it manifests itself in the r/s... . read everyones similar tales... . took the advice and looked at what part I played in the rupture of the relationship... . followed it all the way back to my FOO - and here is where I am today.

So realizing that my childhood was quite abusive at the hands of my diagnosed PD mother (I didn't realize she had been diagnosed for over 30 years... . just found that out a few weeks ago) - and realized that I took a lot of my abuse into the adult world and never really got therapy for it... . just tried to deal with things like they were normal. But they were far from normal.

So now as an adult, I have done what I was never able to do... . cut ties with my mother (as she can still be quite offensive for me).  But that isn't where the input needing comes from.  It comes because my younger brother is also very angry, and angry with me... . doesn't like that I want to cut the ties - and basically is getting all up in my face trying to talk me down, talk over me or talk to me like I have done some god awful things.

On the phone with him last night and today... . when he starts raising his voice, talking over me - I asked... . no... . begged him not to holler at me.  I very calmly said when you speak like that I can't hear you.  I can't hear anything over the agitation and raised voice.  Of course, this is met with him saying he isn't doing that... . I'm "hyper sensitive" - and... . well, he never finished the sentence because I just hung up the phone.

How is it that I know myself so well... . can obviously say with a calm tone that what you are doing is upsetting please stop - and have it be totally ignored like I'm speaking a different language?

This is the way I was raised... . this was the house and the attitude in my home growing up - and I don't like it.  I couldn't leave when I was a kid... . and even when I left as an adult, I still eventually came home.  Still eventually went to family get togethers and loved my mother and brothers.

But this is crazy.

Isn't it?  That's the input I'm looking for.

I'm not suggesting my brother has a PD... . he might.  Heck, I may have one also... . but I don't think so.

Regardless if I'm being hyper sensitive or just plain don't want to argue with anyone... . shouldn't I just have to say it or ask it one time and have someone like "family" care enough to hear me and stop?

[strangerinparadise]

You are the sane one here. You're setting up boundaries and because of how far down the rabbit hole, your brother is, he can't respect that. Acting out is the only thing he's used to and that's how things have been brought back to the "norm" in your family.

This sucks so much but his behavior is an indicator that you are on the right path to healing yourself. Also, the fact that you are telling your family how you would appreciate being spoken to and trying to set those limits is wonderful to here.

Good luck! I'm rooting for ya!

[Landslide2014]

I hear your frustration and disappointment woods posse.  It seems that you are healing and recovering and trading healthy behaviors in for unhealthy ones. I would imagine that would be threatening to your brother and other family members. It sounds like he is trying to fix and control you. You don't have to buy it.  You have a choice that doesn't have to pass by his approval.  Maybe the new you makes him uncomfortable.

A few weeks ago I had a dinner with my dad and 2 siblings. I felt like it was an intervention. Disapproving (in so many words) and offering their never ending advice on how I could fix my marriage. (This coming from 3 people all with unhealthy relationships... . Or their 1st). After trying to explain, (I wanted them so badly to understand) I excused myself calmly, kissed them and said I love you. I left and spent the rest if the night hysterical crying about the disillusionment about the relationship I thought I had with them.

I came to believe that there is no way that I am going to control or change them. I could only change me and reach out for support where I know it will be genuine and safe and coming from healthier people.  My T told me that they were likely bringing their own stuff to he table and by putting the focus on me allowed them to escape their own unresolved issues. It has been difficult letting go of the notion that if I continue to recover I might not be able to have the relationship I'd like with my family. I can still love them and respect where they are at, even if they cannot offer the same in return.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Just be reassured that this is a process and sometimes the process feels crazy. But you have enough awareness to rise above.  "... . Serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the one I can... . wisdom to know it's me" it's worth it.    You have set a good example.  Thank you for posting.

[Sitara]

That sounds like many a phone conversation I've had with my uBPD mom. Trying to talk to her about something important (me staying calm and even toned), she gets upset, starts screaming at me, says it was my fault and that I'm just being over sensitive about whatever it was.

You can't have a discussion when one person is irate and yelling, and you don't have to just sit there and take it while someone is screaming at you. In a healthy family, I'd assume that people do stop and listen when you ask them to calm down. In my family, if my mom was already screaming I knew there was no point in continuing, and if she had just taken over the conversation and I told her "You're not listening," her eyes would glaze over and she would be too busy internally fuming over the fact I asked her to stop talking about herself for a second and listen to me to actually hear me.

It hurts, and it's frustrating, but unfortunately the reality. I completely understand your wanting family to be willing to listen. Maybe you can approach the topic later after he's had more time to cool down.

[woodsposse]

Thank you all for the replies.  It means a great deal.

All I know is - my family is quite EFFED UP!

(I have tried to write this post 4 times now... . I just keep getting caught up on what I'm trying to say... . this rarely happens.  It's like I want to say something, but nothing is sounding right.  It's like I want to explain where my head is - but  I actually don't have anything in my head. It's actually kinda quiet up in my skull.  I'm not angry.  I'm not mad.  

Heck, I'm not even upset that much over what happened today.  I'm not sulking or wondering why family would do the things they have done (or treat me the way they have).  It's not that I'm use to it - it's that I think I'm detaching from it.

[woodsposse]

That sounds like many a phone conversation I've had with my uBPD mom. Trying to talk to her about something important (me staying calm and even toned), she gets upset, starts screaming at me, says it was my fault and that I'm just being over sensitive about whatever it was.

You can't have a discussion when one person is irate and yelling, and you don't have to just sit there and take it while someone is screaming at you. In a healthy family, I'd assume that people do stop and listen when you ask them to calm down. In my family, if my mom was already screaming I knew there was no point in continuing, and if she had just taken over the conversation and I told her "You're not listening," her eyes would glaze over and she would be too busy internally fuming over the fact I asked her to stop talking about herself for a second and listen to me to actually hear me.

It hurts, and it's frustrating, but unfortunately the reality. I completely understand your wanting family to be willing to listen. Maybe you can approach the topic later after he's had more time to cool down.

Thank you.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets this. 

wow, I'm still trying to find words to write... . but nothing sounds right and I really don't think I have that much to say about this, probably at this moment.  Maybe I'm overwhelmed.  Maybe I just don't care anymore about it.  I have given this way too much energy than it deserves.

All I know for sure is this - my disturbed mother put me in an environment which really messed with my head as I came out into the world to be an adult.  I went over to some other sites and researched her diagnosed PD... . saw what the effects could be on children being raised in such a household... . and bullet point by bullet point it described me. 

Even now as a functioning adult, all I really want to do is just be happy and chill with people - I don't know where all this anger comes from and just lands at my feet like I'm some kind of anger magnet.  I don't want it.  I don't want to be around people, or family, that are so screwed up that I have to make allowances for their actions regardless of how it makes me feel.

That's too much work.

[StarStruck]

Regardless if I'm being hyper sensitive or just plain don't want to argue with anyone... . shouldn't I just have to say it or ask it one time and have someone like "family" care enough to hear me and stop?

Yes definitely ... . other thing "hyper sensitive"... . I'd say he's gaslighting ... . 'I'm not shouting, I'm not talking over you' therefore the problems with you, you must be sensitive.  Youre being too sensitive could have been said before in the family unit, he may be falling back on it to get what he wants. Don't fall for it. Think to yourself... . 'yes sensitive to MY needs for a change... ha!... . and yes I'm allowed'. He's just saying it so he can win the point, you're weren't sounding over sensitive at all. He sounds like he wasn't showing you respect... . stay strong. You're an individual it's YOUR life.

(Off the point but just in case if you are a sensitive person anyhow, I'd say an asset and will do you well and others you choose to love in the future).

You sound like a winner! not just saying that... . go out start your life, keep learning, keep searching, you're going do this. You can do it! I'm doing it! plenty peeps on here doing it