I'm such an idiot... broke NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I cannot stand the fact that he hated me for breaking up with him.  We have been NC for 2 months and last night I was lonely and missing hanging out with him so I sent him an email asking why he hates me,  if he can play be done hating me cause I miss my best friend. Of course I didn't and won't receive a response,  he painted me black and started the smear campaign right away along with the calling the police threat. I'm sure he had a replacement already lined up so I feel like a complete dumb___ for letting him know that I miss him. Today is a new day so time to start NC again.  Why would I miss someone who tormeted me with manipulation,  lies,  cheating,  emotional and verbal abuse,  threats of police,  the push and pull... . What is wrong with me?

[giirl87]

I cannot stand the fact that he hated me for breaking up with him.  We have been NC for 2 months and last night I was lonely and missing hanging out with him so I sent him an email asking why he hates me,  if he can play be done hating me cause I miss my best friend. Of course I didn't and won't receive a response,  he painted me black and started the smear campaign right away along with the calling the police threat. I'm sure he had a replacement already lined up so I feel like a complete dumb___ for letting him know that I miss him. Today is a new day so time to start NC again.  Why would I miss someone who tormeted me with manipulation,  lies,  cheating,  emotional and verbal abuse,  threats of police,  the push and pull... . What is wrong with me?

[giirl87]

sorry for the spelling errors.  My mind is doing circles.

[corraline]

please forgive yourself.

i feel like breaking NC every minute of the day

i think its ok to miss someone

i miss mine too

there were some of what i felt were genuine loving times. i miss those big time

he was my best friend too and there are so many times that i hear something inspirational or interesting that i would have shared with him and i want to send it soo badly.  then i stop myself and then have this internal dialogue about why i want to and why i don't want to... . ugh.

but i know for myself that i am not healthy enuff to contact him right now anyway. and he probably isnt either considering the kind of interactions we had especially at the end.

be kind to yourself

im trying to be with me

[LettingGo14]

What is wrong with me?

I am sorry you are in pain.  There is nothing "wrong" with you.  This is, in many ways, recovery from an addiction to a person.  We all have moments, especially when hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT), where we feel weak and we give in to the urge for connection or understanding.

I know exactly how you feel right now.  I've done the same.

Start by forgiving yourself.  Try saying aloud, "I forgive you" and touch your heart with your hand.  Say, "I care about your suffering."

Once you start to be kind to yourself, space for further inquiry opens.

[Tausk]

hey girl!  you hang in there.  there's nothing wrong with missing him.  if you didn't then I'd be worried about you.  It's hard not to have the connection when we lived with a trauma bond for so long.  

2-4 months the pain of separation seems to be the worse.  it's when we forget so much of the pain, lines, BS, gaslighting, inconsistencies... . It's natural that we do, because we suppressed and accepted so much when we were actually in the interaction.

give yourself a break.  maybe look at this as an opportunity for closure?   learn about the disorder.  learn about yourself.

That's what I had to do to move forward.  But I know how difficult it can be and how much pain and confusion and a lost feeling of being in icy cold space... . alone.

But the fact is we don't have to be alone.  We aren't so unique, in fact it really helped me to learn that I was pretty typical of what others here on the board are going through.  

And that is good because it means there is a proven method to move forward and grow.

In support

t

[Shimmer moon]

First of all, you are definitely not an idiot. We have all been there, continue to be there sometimes.  Obviously, you cared for him deeply and it was reciprocal.

Everyone has moments when they want to break NC.  Even if you do, and there is a response, or not... . you are human and feel emotions.  Everyone handles these situations in their own way.

I have girlfriends who keep telling me to go cold turkey and total NC. Well, that is sometimes easier said than done. So, if you have a moment of relapse, don't come down hard on yourself.  I sincerely believe that we become stronger with each situation/incident.

I think you should be proud of how far you have come and not dwell on one blip in your healing process... .

The people here are SO supportive. Keep reading and posting. I don't post enough... . Just hearing everyone's stories has helped me through some rough nights... .

[coolioqq]

Don't feel bad. Staying NC can be incredibly difficult for empathetic people. I am in that situation now, and it breaks my heart, probably even more than my ex did. And, boy, she did!

But I know I have to do it (stay NC), for myself. What I find helps me stay NC is the fact that none of this would even happen if I was involved with a truthful person. What's the point of staying in contact with someone who was manipulative all along? Those things don't change over a few days... . It's like trying to reason about emotions with a 3-year old. I hate to say it, but if I tried that, I'd be the crazy one, not her .

[guitargrl]

Just want to say I totally understand how hard it is to stay no contact when you miss someone and their actions are just so hard to understand.  I remember contacting and feeling like a complete idiot with no response to my feelings, only would get a response when he came out of his delusional state for a few moments…... I realized I would never understand crazy and the only closure I would ever get is knowing I would get no closure…over a month NC and the FOG is lifting and starting to feel better.  Just keep plugging away at NC and resisting all the urges when they come. This stuff is so hard to make any sense of …you just can't, and that is what is what has been so hard for me.

[tango1492]

I agree with everyone on here. You're not an idiot. It's soo hard to stay NC. I've broken it in the past too. But enough times breaking NC only leading to massive amounts of emotional pain... . well, eventually you remember that it's just not worth it.

[giirl87]

Thank you all for the support.  I know in my head that I need to remain NC,  it's my heart that gets the best of me and I don't know why.  I realize that he never felt anything and that I wasted 2 years trying to prove I was good enough to someone who was never good enough for me.  I am having a bigger issue with the splitting,  I just have such a difficult time understanding why he hates me so much and more than that,  why do I care?  I am the one that broke up with him. I wanted him to miss me yet in my heart, I knew he wouldn't. I am guessing he already has someone else and that's why it's so easy for him to completely ignore me.

[rougeetnoir]

I'm where you are right now... . I broke it off with her.  I've been thinking I did the wrong thing by breaking it off.  That by telling her friend who asked what was happening that we'd broken up, I moved to fast.

Moreover, at 2 months out you feel like your friends are tired of hearing your story of heartbreak.  THere are a lot of things pushing you towards contact-- in fact, sometimes this board contributes (through no fault of the board-- you just read about recycling and think-- what is wrong with me that I'm not being recycled? for instance)-- your loneliness, your frustration (right now, I'm typing this from a friend's couch, where I'll be living for the next couple of weeks because I'm couch surfing while I've moved out.  Why did I have to give up my life?  My home-- which I paid the majority of?).

Actually, what helped me is that a friend said to me that she didn't know how I could stay no contact.  She said she'd be in contact all the time (without telling someone), but was proud of me that I hadn't. So, whatever you are doing, given the nature of the break up, you should be proud of yourself. You ultimately want to be the best person you can be. You think you screwed up, but you owned up to it. That's what grownups do.  We all mess up, every day. The important thing is how we deal with it.

Finally, remember not to fetishize NC.  It is a tool not a goal.

[DiamondSW]

You're a human being with feelings and a good heart.

You should be proud of yourself for being vulnerable, trying your best, offering kind words and showing decency and warmth.

So what you broke NC?  It happens!  Forgive yourself and don't even think of battering your own emotions-he's done enough! 

Look after yourself... .    

[Split black]

Ive been split black like 4 times... . the first two times she contacted me after a couple of weeks... . the other two I caved and after an assault was granted time with her.

I realized that I was never her number one but just one of several in a Triangulation. In the beginning we were both leaving relationships. I did. She lied. She never did. Just added me to her list of idiots.

I should have known better... . I knew and know what BPD is. But she is just so pretty and seducing and manipulating. I always believed her. Gave her the benefit.  But her MIA's added up again. Canceling dates at the last second... always some plausible excuse that made me feel like I was being unreasonable.

Then I caught her cheating. Called her cell and a guy picked up. Im an adult... . he is an adult. She flipped out and there was a big fight. He gave me his number. I was out of town and couldn't go there. Thank god I didnt. Apparently afterward, having had a conversation with him, he took her cell and called every guy on it. Quite a few. Had no idea. She had a different story. She banished him. Came back to me, crying and promising... . but saying it was my fault for not being there for her... . huh?  Then 3 weeks later I discovered she never really stopped seeing him. Slept with him again etc. They had another argument about her cell phone... . this time she had him arrested!  But when I busted her and laid into her... . she cried... . but that was it. I had no idea. None.  She said I know you will never ever believe anything I say again even when Im telling the truth. She told me she was going to the hospital and not to call her... . that defused me. Im pretty sure she didnt.  I called she ignored... . a day goes by and I called again... wanting to know. She said shes getting clean and sober and that I was a manipulating liar that only wanted her for sex, that was the only reason I ever helped her... . ( insane)  and to never contact her again, that she took my contact information of me and deleted it, that she was changing her number and that I disgusted her. Earlier in the week she told me how much she loved me.

I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks and this is day 4 of total NC.  Split black 4 times before... . once she actually stole money from me and blackmailed me saying she was going to expose me or some-such craziness because Im a respected businessman in my community and it would hurt my companies image. She called 3 weeks later saying she missed me... . wow... . Im such an idiot. How did allow such a disruption in my life. Why was I so vulnerable. I will confess that I am much older then her... .   ugh.

I need to somehow find the grit to not ever contact her again. I just have to. I can not take this anymore although a part of me wants her to call... . Im pathetic. This is misery.