94 days out and and 94 days in...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm 94 days out of my r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf and 94 days in to my new r/s with myself.  I was gonna wait 6 days until I hit 100 to post this, but that doesn't matter so much.  I'm going to call it 94 days of pain, discovery and growth.  

More than a year ago, I started actively doing individual T to deal with the effects of the toxic r/s I was in.  I worked on myself to help build internal love and to bridge the gap between my true self and the life I was living.  Ninety four days ago I allowed my true self (my personal power) to emerge with strength to lead me out of the 3+ year abusive r/s.  I went through all the emotions at first - relief, sadness, grief, anger, confusion, etc.  I learned everything there is to know about BPD, NPD, c/d, etc.  What I thought was a journey to rid myself of a toxic r/s that I allowed to adversely affect so many areas of my life, became a the start of a new r/s.  This one is going to last a lifetime and be the most meaningful r/s I could ever imagine.  It is my r/s with myself.  I'm no longer focused on the person or r/s I left.  I knew for the past year that r/s couldn't be sustained as I became healthy.  No more blame, anger, sadness or confusion.  It is what it is.

Regardless of the person I was with and her PD or issues, I came into the r/s lacking unconditional self love and acceptance.  That manifested itself in crappy boundaries.  Being c/d, I have focused on gaining that unconditional love and acceptance from outside sources.  I was living the egoic mind illusion that I could only be loveable and worthy for ‘what I was doing’ and ‘what I have’ instead of who I am. That was ego driving me further away from my true self = my true source of love, life, energy, etc.  That was conditioned love and it played right into me allowing myself to be abused emotionally and then physically.  The hurt, even when I left the r/s, came from this illusion.  That illusion or co-dependence was there because I was separated from the truth about myself = I am unconditionally loved and worthy simply because I exist.  I have worked with my T to get to the core of why I held a false belief about my own self worth.  My self worth was tied to making this abusive r/s work, just like I tried for years and years to have a healthy r/s with my late alcoholic father.  Neither could ever happen.  I had to kick my ego to the side to see the truth.  That was the only way I could integrate and ascend to my true left.  It is extremely liberating!

So, my life has changed in ways I never saw coming.  I see the role I played in the r/s and I'm not interested in being stuck as a victim or an abuse survivor.  I take 100% responsibility for my part and accept the unexpected gifts I'm realizing through my healing and growth.  I also accept that it is the for my health and welbeing that I have no contact, now and in the foreseeable future with my ex gf.  No shame.  No blame.  I choose to be healthy and surround myself with healthy people.  I take responsiblity for my core wounds and my triggers.  I choose to live in the present and not put them on someone else.  Unconditional self love and acceptance will help me choose my r/s better in the future, and lead to true intimacy.  I am moving forward with strength... .

[Madison66]

I'm 94 days out of my r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf and 94 days in to my new r/s with myself.  I was gonna wait 6 days until I hit 100 to post this, but that doesn't matter so much.  I'm going to call it 94 days of pain, discovery and growth.  

More than a year ago, I started actively doing individual T to deal with the effects of the toxic r/s I was in.  I worked on myself to help build internal love and to bridge the gap between my true self and the life I was living.  Ninety four days ago I allowed my true self (my personal power) to emerge with strength to lead me out of the 3+ year abusive r/s.  I went through all the emotions at first - relief, sadness, grief, anger, confusion, etc.  I learned everything there is to know about BPD, NPD, c/d, etc.  What I thought was a journey to rid myself of a toxic r/s that I allowed to adversely affect so many areas of my life, became a the start of a new r/s.  This one is going to last a lifetime and be the most meaningful r/s I could ever imagine.  It is my r/s with myself.  I'm no longer focused on the person or r/s I left.  I knew for the past year that r/s couldn't be sustained as I became healthy.  No more blame, anger, sadness or confusion.  It is what it is.

Regardless of the person I was with and her PD or issues, I came into the r/s lacking unconditional self love and acceptance.  That manifested itself in crappy boundaries.  Being c/d, I have focused on gaining that unconditional love and acceptance from outside sources.  I was living the egoic mind illusion that I could only be loveable and worthy for ‘what I was doing’ and ‘what I have’ instead of who I am. That was ego driving me further away from my true self = my true source of love, life, energy, etc.  That was conditioned love and it played right into me allowing myself to be abused emotionally and then physically.  The hurt, even when I left the r/s, came from this illusion.  That illusion or co-dependence was there because I was separated from the truth about myself = I am unconditionally loved and worthy simply because I exist.  I have worked with my T to get to the core of why I held a false belief about my own self worth.  My self worth was tied to making this abusive r/s work, just like I tried for years and years to have a healthy r/s with my late alcoholic father.  Neither could ever happen.  I had to kick my ego to the side to see the truth.  That was the only way I could integrate and ascend to my true left.  It is extremely liberating!

So, my life has changed in ways I never saw coming.  I see the role I played in the r/s and I'm not interested in being stuck as a victim or an abuse survivor.  I take 100% responsibility for my part and accept the unexpected gifts I'm realizing through my healing and growth.  I also accept that it is the for my health and welbeing that I have no contact, now and in the foreseeable future with my ex gf.  No shame.  No blame.  I choose to be healthy and surround myself with healthy people.  I take responsiblity for my core wounds and my triggers.  I choose to live in the present and not put them on someone else.  Unconditional self love and acceptance will help me choose my r/s better in the future, and lead to true intimacy.  I am moving forward with strength... .

[myself]

Great post. Really like these success stories. I also saw a T during the r/s, to help figure out what was going on in the r/s and how to better deal with it. Which turned into looking more inside myself and facing what I found. In therapy, we went back to where I didn't hold my boundaries in the past, and then she helped me see how I could do so now. Which I am much better at from having put my focus there. It's helped me personally but, as so many of us have seen happen, it also helped end the r/s. Which was a double bonus in a way, as I believe in myself more, and the recycles needed to end. Looking in the mirror with less self doubt is worth it. I still ruminate sometimes and feel emotional, but it's already far less than it was. The more we move on, the farther we go. Congrats to you on your 94 days so far.

[heartandwhole]

Madison, what an amazing post!  Thank you for sharing, it made me smile.  It certainly sounds like freedom to me.  Congratulations, and keep up the great work. 

[seeking balance]

I cannot wait until you post after another 90 days.   

So, my life has changed in ways I never saw coming.

We are given opportunities in life with every experience - change is difficult and uncomfortable - but necessary for growth.

Be patient with yourself through the process... . I can tell you me now and me of 3 years ago - so very different in my emotional makeup and part of the differences is accepting who I am and liking it.  This is a process, some parts move fast, some seem like nothing is happening - but keeping consistent in the process to the best of your ability will yield amazing results.

So Madison, looking over at the 5 Stages of detachment - where are you?

[Madison66]

So Madison, looking over at the 5 Stages of detachment - where are you?

SB,

I feel I've progressed to stage 4.  I have that old "energy" back in my life and I don't feel the anxiety I was carrying previously.  I'm cycling again and have a 12 mile hike scheduled with a friend tomorrow.  Renovation projects are going again on my 110 year old house.  On top of this, I'm planning a trip for my daughter and me to visit my mom back home.  She has Alzheimer's and we want to visit her before the disease progresses.  Nothing is holding me back.

I feel like I'm living my true self and discovering more and more about myself.  A big part of the c/d recovery work is to maintain awareness and keep that connection between my true self and my life/creation source (unconditional self love and acceptance).  I believe that will be a life long journey for me.  The dysfunctional r/s and b/u spurred me to do the work, which I would have had done regardless or the effects of the c/d would have manifested itself in another area of my life.  I'm cool with that and have great hope for what is to come. 

[Cimbaruns]

What an uplifting post Madison

It's wonderful to read how much you've worked on and just how much you recognize your true self... .

I so am looking forward to getting to that 3 month point myself... . heck ... . you make me look forward to 6 mos. 9 mos ... . and beyond.

It is a " true discovery" in every sense of the word... . the discovery of who we really are as individuals.

Very glad you posted and I wish you all the best... .


Peace

[Landslide2014]

Madison,  Thank you so much for sharing your strength, hope and healing. It has certainly made an impact on me and has offered me the  courage to move forward with my plan to leave. My uBPDH is idealizing right now and tomorrow I plan to break the news that we are through. It feels easier to move forward when he is devaluing, as I often have amnesia about the hurt and pain I have experienced when he is on "good" behavior. Defense mechanism? Diseased?  Anyway, this is the most convinced I have been in this stage, so perhaps that signifies that it is finally time. Thank you for the blessing and all the best on this amazing but challenging journey.

[Madison66]

Thank you for the kind words of support everyone! 

Landslide - I give you so much credit for your courage and strength as you face this extremely challenging time.  I'm humbled that you would gain courage from reading my post.  Listen to your gut.  Good luck and blessing on your journey.  Stay strong!