Smear campaign ... Can anything be done ?

[Fool for Love]

Well , heard through a mutual friend that she is really smearing me ... With the I was verbally abusive , used her and other things ... What can be done ? I thought about calling her uncle in which he is a real reasonable guy and let him know that the things are not true ... But her family probably already know most isn't true ... Should I contact the uncle ? Or just let it ride ... Luckily we don't have many mutual friends but I did love and respect her family as they did me ... Just don't want my name ruined ...

[mybonnie]

Unless you are approached by anyone directly asking about it, I would let it ride.  She has created a pattern by now, or she will be creating a pattern in her life and for you to come out defensive, as much as we want to in these situations, can make you appear to be as mired in drama as she is.  And even if you are approached, I would speak minimally about it, and not try to smear her back.  Just something along the lines of, "It's unfortunate that she sees things the way she does."  Remember, too, they are her family and if you say too much negative about her, they may feel compelled to come to her defense.  Hold your head high,  be compassionate and say as little as possible.  They will still respect you.  And you will respect yourself for not having jumped into a public he said/she said scenario.   This is my opinion anyway.

[seeking balance]

Well , heard through a mutual friend that she is really smearing me ...

Actions are what people will pay attention to in the long run, not words.

With the I was verbally abusive , used her and other things ... What can be done ?

I know this is tough to hear, but nothing can really be done other than you staying consistent in your actions and words.  Do your mutual friends believe her?

I thought about calling her uncle in which he is a real reasonable guy and let him know that the things are not true ... But her family probably already know most isn't true ... Should I contact the uncle ? Or just let it ride ... Luckily we don't have many mutual friends but I did love and respect her family as they did me ... Just don't want my name ruined ...

It is HER family.  Whether they believe her or not you contacting them likely will not change their minds.  I know it is hard to get out of the center of the storm, but the only way out is to detangle yourself from the drama.

Did this information your mutual friend hurt or help your detachment process?

[LettingGo14]

The smear campaign only keeps you hooked if you pay attention to it.  In my case, with help from posters here, I turned down the volume of her voice in my head.  It's hard, but the sooner you start the process of detachment, the healthier you will be.

Based on my experience, the only solution is No Contact.   

Keep posting here.   You're in the right place.

[Fool for Love]

The mutual friend knows she is a lier ... I was more worried about what the family thought ... But I guess in reality ... It's non of my business what other people think or say about me

[Ritchie53]

I totally agree with Lettinggo14

Sadly there is nothing you can do regarding the smear campaign. They are as painful as you let them. No contact and take the high road - yes it is hard, yes you will be slandered and yes you will get a reputation. By going no contact it will slowly remove the toxicity and you will be able to answer accusations a lot clearer. 6 months out and I am able to palm accusations off much more easily now - although I have only been approached once by one of her enablers stating she knew how badly I treated my BPDex. I answered that it was not a normal relationship, I inquired whether she thought banging her head against a wall was normal behaviour, threatening suicide if I went to work, is that normal? Claiming I'm having an affair with a 50 year old petrol attendant, is that normal? To which she answered yes but you made her like that. And I answered in a sarcastic tone 'I made her like that?' 'I suppose I'm also responsible for her Mother walking out and her sisters anarexia, her brothers drug issues?' To that there was no answer.

Once you string a good few months no contact together, the trauma bond subsides and you start seeing the lunacy for what it is. Stay strong and absorb as much of the smear as possible. It is designed to goad and get your attention, if you react you validate the slander. Easier said than done when you are still in love but that will pass and you will see the patterns a lot clearer.

[Dutched]

I can relate to a part of your story. Maybe some of my precautions can be of any help.

There are several parties involved family, ex-family, friends and “contacts”(neighbours, social, sports, etc).

My family:

I mailed them all directly after she left in the final outburst. Straight forward I told them to consider further contact with her as she might be using them to paint me black, to use them in order to get info about me, to be aware they didn’t become a middlemen.

From my diary I included some screen shots of her devaluating behaviour and statements, just to make it more clear.

Warned them to be contacted by her, to be used in order to get via them in contact with me, to receive (phone, mail) nasty stories.

Friends (all mutual and longstanding):

As with my family, the closest ones knew some of it. Directly as she left the house, I called each of them to tell about this final break. They all “choose” to remain my friends and contact is as it was.

A few of them mailed exBPDw just to ask if they could be of any help (which they openly told me), however without response. Seems exBPDw cut them out of her life too.

So very open an honestly I informed family and friends, just nothing to hide. They were/are my futures interests.

Ex family:

In fact a very long story after more than 30yrs. to keep it short. I never was fond of them. Including mother, they all have emotional problems. So just before she left I mailed them, cc. exBPDw, in which I made matters very clear that all contact is terminated.

Contacts (the difficult part):  

I live in a small village (pop. of 1.500).  exBPDw was the “social face” of the family, giving her the opportunity to broadcast her story. Consequently I became the black sheep. I cut contact with neighbours one side and opposite the street. It didn’t en don’t bother me.

Now, a 3 yrs. later, some local people approach me in the store again… approach me even to tell me how she is having a hard time, how they experience her “social face “…  I stay neutral, walk away with a big smile…  

So basically I secured my interest, my dearest (family/friends) and am happy about it. Rumours she told in the village never gave me the urge to defend them. Walk away with a big smile, even when you feel that pain… .

Just keep journaling, keep mails stored (storage doesn’t cost a cent), I have sent and received ton’s of it.  Time will tell.

I described what I did to secure my interests, I hope you can pick up an idea a make it suitable for your situation.  

[Ritchie53]

An excellent post by Dutched proving the high road theory, a long road but worth it for sanity preservation.

Important to note that the smear campaign in some cases holds a dual purpose. Firstly it is a final effort to inflict pain on the non, a parting shot for the 'atrocities' we committed. Secondly, the BPD usually has the next source lined up before we are discarded, the smear campaign allows them to jump ship immediately to the next soulmate without anyone questioning it, sometimes it is back with a former 'abusive' ex, so by painting us black the new supply by default is painted white.

If the patterns play out, then clever as they are in manipulation and deception, they don't think long term so their craziness does surface eventually.

[Dutched]

Thanks for the compliment Richie.  A 3yrs. before the end of my r/s I became aware of BPD, went to a local Group and followed this Board for several years. I was “prepared”, but not really from another perspective.

I agree a smear campaign can have dual purposes too. Indeed to cause pain in order to vent anger, as “normal” humans also do, but their tactics are more sneaky.

Fool for love:

Let I hurt you…  at home, here on the Board, towards your closest family member, friend. It helps to process your grieve. Those mentioned are your interests for YOUR future, no one else.

Please NEVER tell or defend yourself to any mutual friend. There are no “mutual” friends in case of a break up! (not even with “normal” break ups, the web is full of those stories) Every one chooses a side, not now, eventually they will.

.

[arn131arn]

Do nothing.  Give her enough rope and she will hang herself

Arn

And I mean NOTHING

[goldylamont]

Please NEVER tell or defend yourself to any mutual friend. There are no “mutual” friends in case of a break up! (not even with “normal” break ups, the web is full of those stories) Every one chooses a side, not now, eventually they will.

have to kind of agree with this one. in general anyone who considers your ex a "friend" will stick up for them or think you are the crazy one if you try and tell the truth. you have to be patient and wait it out. it took 1.5 years for friends i had introduced her to to come back to me eventually and say they thought something was wrong with her. basically, they need to be screwed over by this person like you were, and only then will they see. like arn said, let them hang themselves with the rope

[itsnotme567]

I have to agree with letting her hang herself she I've heard her on the phone telling stories about me and she says she been telling the guys at the fire house what i'm really like but so far nothing has come back to me.

[growing_wings]

hi,

sorry to hear about smear campaign.

like others have said... stay still and let this run its course.  Actions speak much louder than words

When i went through my smear campaign, my first impulse was to jump and tell everyone that the lies she was spreading were false... i wanted to defend myself... .but i saw this as an opportunity to control my impulse and stay still. I did nothing, i wanted to show i had integrity and i was moving on with grace. I do not regret it. the campaign did not last long, i did not fuel the fire, i let it run its course... . best decision i did.

i lost some friendships that i now call acquintances... they were not my friends. but the majority stayed by my side and did not stop talking to me. I focused on myself instead. i let my actions speak louder than her lies and words.

let this make you a better person, do not play her games.