Sabotage & recycling?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Please feel free to have a look through my earlier posts for all the info but in summary: I am now over a month NC with my best friend of almost 20yrs who I believe is BPD (she also self diagnosed), a gas light situation has led us to this point (I made the fatal mistake of arguing back) and was told I was a spiteful and bitter person who she no longer needed in her life. I have been painted blacker than black.

So I had a chat today with a close mutual friend today who lives with my BPD friend. She has been distant with me since I was cut out as she understandably needs to protect her own position and doesn't want to be treated the way I have been.

Today I messaged her because I missed her and asked her how she was; she replied immediately telling me she had now also had a falling out with pwBPD and was asked to stay away from the shared home over the weekend 'to think about her behaviour'.

My understanding is that she had genuinely forgotten to do something and the pwBPD tried to gas light, when she didn't take the bait, she all but told her to leave for a few days (which she done to avoid further conflict).

Now the interesting thing is that it turns out the pwBPD is now recycling 'friends' she had previously cut out over 2yrs ago.

One friend I particular was painted black as 'someone who wasn't good for her life' but now our mutual friend tells me today she is out with her and many others most weekends.

I'm just stunned because she would really speak poorly of these people (some more than others) and now she seems to right in the midst of their social circle.

So I got to digging around on Facebook, and although she has blocked me, I can see pics from other people of her laughing,joking and drinking with her 'new crew' as if nothing at all has happened.

The more I read here and the more research I do, I can see that this is most probably typical 'recycling' behaviour.

The one thing I'm struggling to understand though is having cut me out, why would she now also be trying to put a distance between her and our mutual friend who she lives with? Is her desire to recycle and surround herself with enablers so strong that she is trying to sabotage her current relationships with the people she feels know to much?

Any advice would be welcome!

[GlitterBug]

Please feel free to have a look through my earlier posts for all the info but in summary: I am now over a month NC with my best friend of almost 20yrs who I believe is BPD (she also self diagnosed), a gas light situation has led us to this point (I made the fatal mistake of arguing back) and was told I was a spiteful and bitter person who she no longer needed in her life. I have been painted blacker than black.

So I had a chat today with a close mutual friend today who lives with my BPD friend. She has been distant with me since I was cut out as she understandably needs to protect her own position and doesn't want to be treated the way I have been.

Today I messaged her because I missed her and asked her how she was; she replied immediately telling me she had now also had a falling out with pwBPD and was asked to stay away from the shared home over the weekend 'to think about her behaviour'.

My understanding is that she had genuinely forgotten to do something and the pwBPD tried to gas light, when she didn't take the bait, she all but told her to leave for a few days (which she done to avoid further conflict).

Now the interesting thing is that it turns out the pwBPD is now recycling 'friends' she had previously cut out over 2yrs ago.

One friend I particular was painted black as 'someone who wasn't good for her life' but now our mutual friend tells me today she is out with her and many others most weekends.

I'm just stunned because she would really speak poorly of these people (some more than others) and now she seems to right in the midst of their social circle.

So I got to digging around on Facebook, and although she has blocked me, I can see pics from other people of her laughing,joking and drinking with her 'new crew' as if nothing at all has happened.

The more I read here and the more research I do, I can see that this is most probably typical 'recycling' behaviour.

The one thing I'm struggling to understand though is having cut me out, why would she now also be trying to put a distance between her and our mutual friend who she lives with? Is her desire to recycle and surround herself with enablers so strong that she is trying to sabotage her current relationships with the people she feels know to much?

Any advice would be welcome!

[barbwire911]

Well I think it really comes down to it that the person your exBPD friend was living with (the one whom she is now upset at) just said something and it upset your ex BPD friend.  The pwBPD is so unpredictable that it does not take much for them to paint you black; and even likely maybe your friend did not say anything that a normal and healthy functionning individual would take such offense to as to say "go away for the weekend and think about your behaviour" however with a pwBPD, you are dealing with a small child like mind. I do not think these pwBPD mean to sabotage relationships purposefully per se, but given their low level functioning of the mind, they are very hypersensitive also to anything so anything could have set her off and of course, to not feel her own feelings of shame, etc. she could have projected that onto your friend.  Also given the pwBPD often does not like to take responsibility for their actions (again... like a child), this is possibly another reason she has blamed your friend and told her to go away and examine her behaviour.  It is easier for the pwBPD to tell someone else to examine their behaviour that turn inwards and tell that to themselves. Some more projection probably going on.

These pwBPD go from bf to bf or gf to gf and same with friends. They go from friend to friend and then they may recycle back and forth through them also.

[GlitterBug]

Well I think it really comes down to it that the person your exBPD friend was living with (the one whom she is now upset at) just said something and it upset your ex BPD friend.  The pwBPD is so unpredictable that it does not take much for them to paint you black; and even likely maybe your friend did not say anything that a normal and healthy functionning individual would take such offense to as to say "go away for the weekend and think about your behaviour" however with a pwBPD, you are dealing with a small child like mind. I do not think these pwBPD mean to sabotage relationships purposefully per se, but given their low level functioning of the mind, they are very hypersensitive also to anything so anything could have set her off and of course, to not feel her own feelings of shame, etc. she could have projected that onto your friend.  Also given the pwBPD often does not like to take responsibility for their actions (again... like a child), this is possibly another reason she has blamed your friend and told her to go away and examine her behaviour.  It is easier for the pwBPD to tell someone else to examine their behaviour that turn inwards and tell that to themselves. Some more projection probably going on.

These pwBPD go from bf to bf or gf to gf and same with friends. They go from friend to friend and then they may recycle back and forth through them also.

Thanks for your insight - I guess I'm not really taking into account the 'child' aspect of her disorder and looking at it through my eyes.

In an argument she becomes very condescending, almost as though she is trying to secure the role of an adult chastizing a child - Perhaps this is an effort to affirm her adult mind even though the traits she is displaying are child like.

The longer the NC continues the less sad I become and the more angry I feel; and the more I read about BPD, the more I realise that our friendship really is dead in the water. Even if she did try and recycle me (which Ithink she probably will once something life altering happens to her), I have little to no interest in having her in my life. I was aware that her disorder has affected her life for many years and she would become increasingly self destructive, but now it seems she is on a 'seek & destroy' mission to create tension and relationship breakdowns with the very people she claims to have relied on for so many years. This situation is now far too toxic for me and I'm no longer prepared to be a part of this destructive cycle especially as it has taken a huge part of my heart away.

[GlitterBug]

Hi Guys,

For some background info on my story, please feel free to take a look at my earlier posts.

So I've been NC with my pwBPD for over a month now - It's been so tough because it feels like I have lost my closest friend/sister to the disorder.

I had little/no contact with any of our mutual friends for most of this time as they 'didn't want to get involved'; a couple of days ago, I spoke to our close mutual friend and it appears as though the pwBPD is now beginning to direct her rage towards her also! (They live together so this obviously creates quite a few issues).

My understanding is that she has tried to Gas Light and when not successful, has exiled her from the home for a few days.

So during our chat, she opened up to me a little and told me what had been going on - It seems to be the same unpredictable gas-lighting behaviour which has lead to our NC and me being painted blacker than black.

PwBPD is now recycling old friends who she had previously blackened and is exhiling our mutual friend from social activities and even her own home.

So my question is - Could pwBPD really be on a seek & destroy mission to take down all her previously strong and reliable relationships in favour of these 'fair weather' friendships that seem to spring up out of nowhere?  We have been thorugh alot of really tough times together since we were kids and I guess I'm struggling to understand why she would want to undo all of this in favour of people that don't really know her at all, people that have never been there for her during the tough times.

I could honestly thinkk of nothing worse than systematically destroying my close relationships and irreparable hurting those who loved me for something so shallow?

[GreenMango]

Glitter

my guess is the need for her to salvage her perception of herself (what they call the ego - we all have it) is more important than the friendship.  When you guys had your talk and you confronted her on her behavior and that didn't meet her perception of herself it had what some therapists call splitting.   It's tendency to think in catastrophic ways.  All or nothing.  When someone has an ego blow and they have shaky self worth or identity they can make  moves to shore this up with other people who reinforce it.

It's a survival instinct.  People with BPD can be very sensitive.   Her fears are going to be very different than yours here... . where you can't imagine throwing away longstanding friendships she may not be able to cope with what she perceives as criticism or rejection.

I know it hurts 20 years is a long timeaand it's shocking that someone will throw it away.  Do you think you two will talk again in the future once she's cools off? 

[barbwire911]

Glitterbug I hear on being more angry.  I have been successfully NC for three days now and driving home from work, I just started crying as I have been silent treatmented now for 2 weeks or so with no idea about anything.

I just lost it and I typed a huge long email to my exBWDbf with how I felt so used and this is all his loss more than mine and just to stay away from me and never return and I should have listened to him when he told me he did not deserve me as that was likely the one and only truthful thing he ever said.  I know I should have stayed NC and never get responses from him but I go through sadness, anger and I just wanted to let him know he cannot keep coming and going as he wants and just using and then discarding as I have emotions too. I admitted I was hurt and mad and sad but that I will get through it... . somehow.