How much will she take away from me?

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello all,

Writing as a vent. I'm 35. Been married for 11 years and have a 22 month old son. I have an unBPD mom. Everything has only been about her my entire life and if it wasn't she would rage, fake illnesses, end up in the hospital etc. She ruined every occasion of just life that shoukd have been good. Ruined my marriage for years and we are still dealing with the baggage. Basically she wanted my attention alllll the time and wanted to own

Me and hated my husband because she saw him as competition. She's 62 now by the way. My dad is an enabler and old brother just runs from all of it and avoids confrontation... We live about 45 minutes away from them. I've always told my husband, let's move! We will be so much happier! But he never listened. Told me I needed to confront and deal. He wasn't going to pick up his stuff and move. I told him before our baby came, let's go. She will be soo overposessive of baby. Nope. He didn't listen saying it was my fault and I had to draw

boundaries or cut her off. We were in marriage counseling because of this and the breakdown of our communication due to all this. My husband would often say "we need to figure out

Who will care for our kid if something happens to us with all this stress." So also I was diagnosed with MS back in 2007. My husband is convinced it was due to the stress imposed by my mom. So about 8 months ago, I finally couldn't take it anymore and told off my mom. Shockingly she heard me out and started to behave better in fear of not seeing her grandson I think. She still had crazy traits but id let some go. Saw them once a week so they could see my son.  So two months 40 year old husband had a major heart attack... . Out of the blue. Thin guy... . He could have died if we got 10 minutes late.

Last week I was at my parents place for 3 days cause husband was traveling and I mistakingly thought would be a break for me... . Mistake. She was again obsessed with my son and he keeps calling for her and pushing me away because she says yes to everything. And she has the happiest smirk on her face when he goes to her instead of me. And she goes "I'm just kidding but he loves me so much he'll want to live with us and go to school here! Haha!" To me that is not funny at all. Then she goes "only two people have been crazily in love with me! Your bird and my grandson." She had a weird obsession with my parrot and would compete with me for her... . But to say my baby is in love with her? He's 22 months old!

So a few days ago they were watching him just so my husbsgd and I could catch a break and see a movie and sitter was unavailable. We came to pick him up and he refused to come to us. Kept calling for her. And she grabbed him. My husband put him on her shoulders and she pulled him right off his shoulders. He was do and he took it out on on my son snd started getting angry at him. I told my husband that "it's ok... . " Just so we wouldn't create a scene and we were leaving anyways... . In the car my husband got so mad at me. I just didn't want him getting mad at my son for no reason... .

So next day I decided to call my mom and tell her it was wrong and shockingly she agreed! Apologized! I was like wow... . But hahaha! That was short lived. Next day she calls me with a lecture on how my husband shouldn't yell at my son and "scare him." And said that my dad was teary eyed that his grandson was yelled at. Whatever! I didn't care about that until she said "and so what if he wanted to come to me? If he went to his other grandma (my mIL) bet your husband would have acted differently!" My MiL lives jn India and we see her once in two years. She has nothing to do with this. But my mom keeps dragging her into stuff! Anyways right now I'm so mad... . Mad at my husband who never listened about moviing. Mad that a 35 year old and 40 year old have mS and heart disease likrly due to years of stress. Mad at what an awful person she is... . And so so angry about her wanting to take my son now... . How much will this woman take from me? How much... . Childhood, college years, my marriage, our health, and now my child? I'm so tired. Everytime I think she's changed a little her true evil shows up... . I'm so tired.

[Sitara]

My uBPD mom also feels the need to be "most loved" by the grandkids. She would talk about how my sister was such a terrible mom that it was inevitable that her daughter was going to run away from home and show up on grandma's doorstep. Or that when she babysat my son she claimed he would be scared because I came home.

Her actions towards my kids were actually a big reason I started making changes in my life.

Take care of yourself and your family. 

[Louise7777]

MiserableDaughter, answering your question on "How much will this woman take from me?": all that you allow. Unfortunately.

Im sorry you are going through all this. I have uBPD relatives and is no piece of cake. It has caused many problems among relatives going on for decades and the effects are there.

I think both you and your husband are right: you want to escape and he wants you to establish boundaries. First of all, you have to work as a team. Both ideas are good, but I believe you have to join forces into one, whatever it is.

Im not familiar with your story apart from this post, but I wouldnt believe in apologies. I believe when I see behaviours have changed.

To me, its clear shes a jealous person (like my uBPDs) and she tries to divide and conquer. Seems to me she wants to make your son HER son. Hes not even 2yo, you´d better cut it NOW.

Personally, I wouldnt leave a child with her. If my experience helps, she will try to turn him against you, since there are no witnesses. She will "poison" him little by little. Shes not interested in educating him, she wants him to love her and she will use any tool to get it. It means she will spoil him and make you and your husband look bad.

The only way I see is creating boundaries. Keep distance. Im sorry, this is tough advice, but your kid should be protected... .

[MiserableDaughter]

You are so right. She does not care about educating him, making him independent etc. All she cares about is having him love her the most. And yes, I truly believe that she would try to turn him against us later. She already does it. I have confronted, drawn boundaries etc. But eventually all goes back to the same and the "victim." The victim yet still the queen. Honestly, I know that the best thing to do is to raise my family very far away from her. Yes she would freak (because my son is her reason for living she says!)

I have anger because I told my husband this so long ago and he would dismiss me as a chicken. I knew confrontation with her wouldn't work. Even though we were always stressed he refused to move. He even predicted we would hsve health problems due to the intense stress. If he knew this, why on earth did we continue living here? It was a self fulfilling prophesy ! I'm very angry at him too... . I DID confront. I DO limit the time they spend regardless of the pitiful comments etc. But how long will I just keep fighting? I don't went complete NC. Especially cause I thijk my dad isn't too bad. But I need to be away. I need to salvage whatever is left of our lives. Funny that my mom would always threaten with fake illnesses... . ":)octor said I have 3 years to live... . doctor says I'll get a stroke from stress. I'll get a brain hemmorage. Etc etc." Guess what? She is 62 and only thing she has is osteoporosis which btw was my fault because I didn't "hug her enough." And who had the real illnesses? US! Me! I hsve frickin MS! My husband had a heart attack! And of course if you ever even say stress effects those she says "no! Those aren't effected by stress !" Nope only her fake illnesses are stress caused.

As you can see, I'm physically and mentally worn out. If I could I would move to the other side of the world and not look back. I feel awful saying this but I think my real peace will come when she is gone... .

[Louise7777]

Im very sorry you are feeling angry and frustrated. From your words you are at the end of your rope. Im very angry too, but we have to deal with it in healthier ways. Yes, I know, easier said than done. 

"I have confronted, drawn boundaries etc. But eventually all goes back to the same and the "victim." The victim yet still the queen. Honestly, I know that the best thing to do is to raise my family very far away from her. Yes she would freak (because my son is her reason for living she says!) "

From my experience, confronting doesnt always change the situation. Cause confronting is still trying to make the other understand their unreasoanable behaviour and see our side. This will NEVER happen, cause they are 4 yo (emotionally speaking) self-centered who think the world revolvs around them. Trying to reason is an exercise in futility. We do it for our own peace of mind ("at least I tried", but it doesnt work.

Second, draw boundaries and CONSEQUENCES if they stomp on them. Because they are like spoilt kids, they push to see how far they can go. Its fun for them. And draining for us.

Above all, dont fight with your husband. You have to work as a team. He is your ally, you are misplacing the anger. I know you are so tired, but believe me, fighting with him will make no good.

Like yours, my uBPDs are healthier than us too. Always playing victim, faking diseases, but the truth is they make us sick. Im skilly and I lost 5 kilos in 2 months and my hair is falling ... . And they are happier than ever, cause they feed from our disgrace. Im giving you advice that works for me too, so Im also convincing myself. Its not easy, but has to be done.

I decided that I wont fight. I wont engage, as difficult as it may be. Either I leave or I will say "no, this is not acceptable" and let them yell or whatever. I tried reasoning for years and believe me, it doesnt work cause they want things THEIR way ALWAYS, not matter if its not acceptable or illegal (mine are trying to push some illegal things on me).

Dont go no contact if you dont feel ready, but go very low contact. The moment she says or does something you cant take, leave. She needs consequences for her bad behaviour.

I hope I helped somehow.

[losthero]

((Hugs)).  Wow we have very similar lives.  My mom's psychiatrist told me once that she had narcisstic personality disorder.  I have read up on both and feels she is a combo of the two.  I tell you this so you can read up on narcissism as well.  Both are toxic relationships for us and I understand well how they fake or exaggerate sicknesses to get their way when in reality we are being eaten alive from the inside out.  My mom doesnt like to share my attention with my spouse or kids.  And my mother in law (more NPD but i believe is BPD as well) is like your mom.  She would babysit our children during the summer for a week or two at a time during their long summer school break.  She would spoil them and Would talk bad about my husband and myself.  When her other son and his wife said they were moving to another state she said she would fight for full custody.   She never did, but severely damaged that relationship.  They did not talk to her for 10 years.  My experience with setting boundries eith personality disordered people is that the boundries are more for your well being than for changing their behavior.  They will throw a tantrum and say you are a terrible person and how dare you treat her that way! She will use all forms of guilt and manipulation to fight any boundry you place but remember this time its not about them and their needs.  THIS time is about you and your family. Your son deserves a mentally healthy mother and an intact loving family unit.  Your mother cant help being so selfish to the point it destroys you and your family.  She is sick, but you have the responsibility of protecting yourself and your family from her destructive ways.  We have been conditioned our whole lives to be our mothers emotional caretaker.  This is so horribly damaging to our psyche. Do not let her do that to your son as well.  Stay strong.  Be brave.   This board is a great source of support but so is going to a therapist who has experience with personality disorders.   

[MiserableDaughter]

Lol. Been in therapy for about 13 years... . I've gotten much better but still cannot shake that fearful shudder that goes through me when she acts the victim or the astounding anger and flashbacks even she says something horribly hurtful like. Hits me like a knife in the stomach and as much as I try to not let it bother me and be "mindful" (taken mindfulness based stress reduction courses in an attempt to deal) it still plays over and over in my head and makes me think back to how much pain she's caused me... .

[losthero]

I get it.  I feel that way too. That gut wrenching feeling of anger, fear , and guilt all mixed into one!   I wish there was a magic pill to take away that feeling and the thoughts that go with it.  I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.  Its so hard to be their children.  Keep sharing your story. It lets others know they are not alone either.   Glad you are getting additional support.  Ive been in therapy myself off and on throughout the years.