What about my need for validation?

[woodsposse]

Thats right Wood,

     Thats what I was doing.   Portraying myself in a way that isnt really true in hopes to be closer to him., and with in my frustration to have this cleared from me(because I want him to love me), bad image of me that which was never really there is the first place (only in his mind) I  appear to that way. hey?   how lovely...    


        They are all Super, Super  exaggerations that were origonally put on me, and I know Im not over this yet. Im still very very hurt and yes angry.

I totally understand.  The hurt and anger are very apparent and there are tools here on these boards which have helped me understand where that hurt and anger are coming from and ways to better deal with it.  And I also totally understand wanting to be loved.

But, in my opinion, it is much better to be loved for who you are - rather than who you portray to be just to "give in" to someone so they would love you.  By denying who you are - by saying "I'll change this thing in me so you would love me even though I don't think I have that in me" is not being you.

So how can someone love you if you are not being you?

Which brings me back to the point I keep trying to underscore.  Spend some time focusing on who you are -  what you need - why you need it - and what will help you heal.  That is really what we are all here to do... . heal and be in wellness.

You say that the "bad image" of you wasn't there but was only in his mind... . okay... . I hear you.  Then why try and make it a reality for yourself to change - if it wasn't there in the first place?

That's like my ex telling me she is unhappy with the way I'm always jumping on her telling her all the wrong things she is doing and making her feel unhappy about herself and I know for a fact that isn't what I did or do - but then say to myself "Okay... . I'm doing that, I need to change... . so I'll change my behavior so she will see I'm changing something I don't believe I'm doing"... . then feel terrible because I'm just acting like I'm changing something and get mad at her because she doesn't see I've changed and acknowledge it - even though I never fully believed I had to change anything because it wasn't there in the first place.

It's circular and something I just did to myself.  

Why would I want to do that to myself?

Or if we want to take it to an extreme... . I'm a very tall person.  If someone didn't like the fact I was so tall... . what?  I'm suppose to feel bad about myself because I'm tall and want to have a doctor take some bone out of my legs so I could be shorter so person-X would love me?

That is not what I would do.  I would simply say "well, person-x doesn't like tall people.  I'm a tall person.  Guess it sucks for person-x cause I'm Effin an awesome tall person.  Guess it's time for me to move on to someone who can get with this!"

I'll keep circling around to it - but it may be helpful in your healing process to spend some energy focusing on you.  What you need.  Why you need it - and mostly, why you feel it would be necessary to change who you are in such a way to please anyone?  Especially if you feel what they are saying you are doing or "who you are" isn't what you are doing or who you are?

Be you.  Be comfortable being you.  Trust me, your happiness starts and ends with you.

[woodsposse]

If you don't feel that you are pushy, or he is saying something that you don't feel is true, don't tell him he is right. Tell him that you understand why he thinks what he does, or that you can accept that he feels that way. It's not about agreeing that he is right, it's just agreeing that he feels how he does and that it is ok to feel how he does. It's also ok for you to feel how you feel.

I totally, 100% agree. 

[goingtostopthis]

Thank you both,  I really appreciate the time you have taken to help me out.

                                                    I agree about taking the time to care about myself and discover what it is  that I want and what I need.   This relationship has been compounded with so many other problems that have added to my frustration. I am not absolutely possitive he has BPD, but I'm pretty sure he is.

                                                    In practical terms I dont feel this relationship has a future at all. He has so many problems and is only happy in spurts. He is allways fighting his feelings, stressed out,never feeling good, never has enough money, he's bored, hes anxious, cant sleep, his back hurts, he has a head ache etc etc.  It never ends.  It has finally occurred to me by observing him and this splitting on me that he isnt capable of holding down a job and most likely never will be. Hes living off the state with barely enough to live on with debtors after him now.  All of this adds to his disorder and makes it worse.  If he didnt have the stresses he has now and a stable way of life, Im just senseing this of course,  but I dont think he would  have split on me and his BPD signs would be much much improved,maybe even un noticable.   Hes in a bad lot and has no way to help himself.

                            This is disturbing to me. It gets to the point where it doesnt matter what I say to help him help himself. He rejects my ideas and will not look for a job. He has every excuse in the book, not just for that but for everything basically that would be obviously in his best interest.  Its almost as if he wants to be miserable, but I know this isnt true now.  He has this disorder. He origonally got free rent and money to live on for depression and was on meds. a long time ago, but as being a male looking past his depression most likely wasnt considered.  I was attracted to him because he's an artist and so am I. In the beginning there were no signs what so ever. I went to see him in England for two weeks. It was great. it was only after I came home and we started communicating and planning to see each other again that I started to notice things that didnt seem right with him.  It came on very slowly so it was hard to pin point.  And through this time we became closer then ever as lovers, loving friends.  This is why its so hard for me to just let him go now and move on.

                             I worry about this too much, and now that I know he has BPD this makes me nervous but more then anything I just get tired sometimes of listening to him complain all the time and feeling hopeless. It gets old. I still love him but it gets old.    He doesnt really believe in God like I do. He claims he spiritual but he has no faith or wish to chose to have a positive out look on life.       Its like a person sleeping in a bed of rats. A normal person would jump up and get the heck out of there and do something about the situation. He has this ingrained sense of helplessness that sometimes is really irratating.

                              I know it would be best for me to give myself my space with in my own life to not worry about him. I trip myself out and think ,oh  if I dont answer him right away when he writes me ,  hes going to get hurt or get mad at me , or who knows what. The truth is hes been pretty nice and understanding lately. When I needed time to be alone he was ok with it and very kind to me over it. So  alot of this might just be in my mind.

                             I was going to take this whole week just to be with myself, to think and gain some peace.,but something happened.  He smashed his finger in a metal gate and ripped it up pretty badly. He wrote all about in on his FB page.  This is how I found out. He had to go the emergency room and get it x-rayed, it was pretty bad!   So I wanted to touch base with him to make sure he was all right, and later on that night out of the blue, I guess because he was still in so much shock about it, he finally wanted to skype again., which blew me away.  We just looked at each other with so much love and respect. It was good.

                             I have to say it did cross my mind though, did he do that on purpose because of me wanting to be alone ? He knew I wasnt happy with him. Everyone here knows that!       Ive given this much thought and I think it "was" an accident.  Im thinking it would do me well to see if I can see a therapists over this. I want to be his friend as I am now but its obvious Im having a difficult time handling this, especially with the knowledge now that he has BPD. Sometimes it just gets to be too much to take.    Thanks for listening guys.     You are all very patient.  Thanks   oh! and I have the "Feeling Good" Book. Ive had it for about 20 years,,  first edition... never really read it. Well I am now.  Hows that for chance>?  (  :