We split up in january. Since then she made a few attempts to see me again, to which i always let her know i don't want it anymore. I asked her numerous times what about her promises to go and see a therapist herself (after i went alone). I asked her numerous times what will be different this time around if i let her see me again, because it was the same every week for a year now... . a few days of happiness, followed by her raging at me for whatever stupid "wrong answer" i gave her, then telling me goodbye and all kind of ugly things to make me look like the bad guy... .
I asked her so many times for answers, but when that happens, all i get is silence, no comment... .
She just knows she wants to see me again, hold me again, kiss me again... . but i think she forgets that after doing that, reality will set in and we will do the same rollercoaster again. I think she knows is too, but can't admit it.
She is from spain and has family there. In the last three weeks she went back there, so i had my peace, now she's back and starts attempting to see me again... .
I simply cannot trust her again. There's so many things where i think she lied to me, the biggest of them all was telling me she is pregnant last summer when we split for a few weeks and i didn't want to take her back anymore. We had unprotected sex a few times, so it was a possibility. I remember that episode so good... . i took responsibility and took her back... . what followed was a nightmare.
She was speaking about going to some abortion clinic in germany (we live in switzerland), she would be 16 weeks pregnant and it wouldn't be completely legal, so they couldn't do anestetic and she would have to suffer... . but she wanted to do it alone and after that we should never talk about it again. I went crazy, a part of me believed her and i couldn't sleep anymore thinking about her in horrible pain in some illegal abortion clinic in germany... . i took control and said i will not allow her to do this. And i couldn't agree to kill a child in the 16th week of pregnancy. She had a million excuses and arguments... . how she would have worked too much in the last few weeks and the doctor there in germany told her the child wouldn't be healthy and that she would need to stay at home in bed, but she had to work so much she didn't listen to his advice and she had blood many times and stomache aches, and that she didn't want to risk having an unhealthy child, etc... . i should just accept she will go there and never talk about it again after that.
I didn't accept it. I said i will make an appointment in switzerland with a good and professional doctor and we would go there and see what happens. It took me almost a week of rages and fights and excuses until she finally agreed. I made the appointment... . at the day of the appointment, rages and excuses again, trying not to go... . but i didn't let it go and finally she was there with me in the doctors office.
The doctor examined and tested her... . and... .
"You are not pregnant, everything looks normal and healthy... . you will have your period in a few days.". I thought my ears are damaged... .
After that she was really sad in the car, saying things about she lost the child. I didn't want to hear a word anymore. How could i still believe her? And then her next question, right after this nightmare: "but do you want to have a child with me soon?"... . i mean, really?
When i told her i don't believe her anymore and i would want to see proof that she was at this doctor in germany, and i wanted to see proof that she was pregnant when she went there, she went into another rage... . how i could not trust her, that i didn't love her... . and then she promised me to find that paper from the doctor in germany saying she was pregnant and give it to me... . to this day i've never seen this paper... . and if i ask about it again i am the evil man not trusting her.
And now she's coming back... .
Last friday she wrote me, asking if i would see her again. I told her no, i couldn't trust anymore and i don't see a point in doing another recycle and being hurt all over again.
She told me she will always love me and she thinks about me every day and please please please, bla bla. She sent me a photo of a picture i made for her birthday saying she would always keep it, blabla... . I told her again i can't anymore, we would just continue the same way and i would have to protect myself from this now. To which she replied one minute later... . "ok, so now it's time to put your picture into the bin and i will go to badoo (dating site) to find another man!" (at which point i regretted having opened her email in the first place and replying to it).
I couldn't resist, i made a profile on badoo and went to look for her. And i found her... . she was there since the beginning of march... . There is a feature on this site which is like a little game, you see pictures of people and say yes or no if you would like to meet them... . if the other person says yes too, it's a "perfect match". Now, the site will keep track of this and display some information on the users profile about it. Like... . "on date XY, the person XY played a lot of perfect match and had many perfect matches", etc.
So there i am, looking at her profile telling me she had a lot of perfect matches on 11th of march 2014... .
I couldn't resist and confronted her about it. Why she would be telling me she would go back to badoo now, when she was there since march 11 already looking for other men? The answer i got: "I was not on this site on march 11, i was there yesterday to hit you up but not before... . if you want to believe in what the site is saying, fine, it's not true."
After that i ignored her messages, deleted them without reading. I felt so disgusted! It's like even if there is hard facts she's lying, she will not own it.
And now comes my dilemma that i need a little help with... .
Her reaction after this... . was to come to my flat yesterday and ring the doorbell! After i repeatedly asked her to please stop writing me and trying to see me again! She simply ignores it every time, because she feels she has to "save me" and knows better than me what is good for me!
I didn't open the door.
After that, countless emails... . "please come back to me! do you want to see me? Please i just want you in my life, nobody else... . please... . please... . please!"
I replied again (i feel it's really bad to ignore someone, i hate it myself), telling her to please stop and asking again why it should be different this time, and that i don't trust her anymore. Which was followed by more messages of her: "ok, if you know it so good it will be the same forget it! Goodbye!", and then "but please, i need you hold me!", etc... .
I fear it will never stop! :'(
What can i do to make her let me alone and let me heal?
It's so hiting hard to not open the door when she's standing in front of it. It's so hiting hard to say no when she tells me to please go and hold her again! But i know better, nothing will change. One week and i'll be the worst person in the world again and can pick up my heart from the floor! :'(
I feel paranoid in my own four walls!
Any advice and ideas on how to deal with this (and how to communicate to her that even tho i miss her so so much, i can't trust her anymore and she needs to stop and let me in peace) would be very welcome.
I don't want this anymore! :'(
