Terrified

[elizabeth716]

Well... . I posted here a few weeks back, and you guys were extremely supportive, responsive and kind, beyond what I thought would be available from people who don't know me, my story, or my life. Essentially, I am my husband has BPD, along with an addictive personality that has manifested itself into alcoholism. We had a great life for many years, until about three years ago... . when he had an internal fracture for a variety of reasons, including self-realizations about his abusive childhood and the stress of a very intense job. Here I am, three years later, facing the same situation... . an abusive marriage, a toddler who has grown up somewhat shielded from the rages and nuclear attacks... . but I became increasingly unable to protect him from seeing this in his father, even though I so desperately tried do so.

After meeting with various attorneys, my therapist on a regular basis, attending Al-Anon, and doing my own self-discovery, I have come to the crossroads. Coupled with a drunken rage on Easter Sunday, in which my husband doesn't remember inadvertently hurting my son while he tried to put my son to bed while visiting him, drunk, I realized that the time has come. He hates me, cannot hide his disdain for me, and it is apparent that he blames me for all of his problems and struggles. I am not protecting my son from his father, and my husband is sabotaging himself to the point that it has nearly cost him his life, I need to proceed.

We've been together since we were 20... . Nearly 16 years. On Friday, he will be served with dissolution papers and a petition for full physical custody of our son. He is going to lose his mind. Hopefully, out of this, he will hit rock bottom and get into treatment. Hopefully, he will get better to be an active, engaged father in his son's life. Hopefully... . hopefully... . hopefully... .

I'm terrified. Scared that I'm doing the wrong thing, even though I know it is right. Afraid to trust my instinct, even though it has never led me astray. Worried that he is going to lose his mind when this comes down the pike on Friday. But what other choice do I have?

Over the years, I've stood by him... . went to his therapist for him, gone to his therapist with him, forgave him, overlooked the abuse, helped him, turned into an enabler... . transformed into a codependent partner... . feel like I've bartered with the devil... . What else could I do? What else can I do? There's no way through but through... . But I'm scared. And nobody in my life understands.

My therapist told me today, "You cannot afford not to be strong right now" right now.

[Forestaken]

Elizabeth716:

I was married 24 years to a physically abusive uBPD+dOCDw.  On May 4th, my D will be 2 years old starting it's 3rd year.

My kids are 20 & 24, they experienced their momster's rage and sometimes they express their anger with me for not moving sooner.   We live paycheck to paycheck - have given up alot but have gain something more important: peace.

You deserve to be happy, tension free, and so does your son.   When I started my D someone here sent me these quotes:

•   Happiness is for the brave, if you let fear rule your decisions, you’re probably going to struggle with “What if” regrets all your life

•   If you want more out of life, you have to risk more

I read these quotes daily - without fail.   Hang in there! We're here for you

[WalrusGumboot]

The Winston Churchill quote "When in hell, keep going" became my motto at the end of my marriage. So worn out, I didn't think I had the energy to make it through a nasty divorce, especially since I did not know what to expect from her once it hits the fan. It became very, very hard. I was in "hell", as Churchill put it, and the last thing I wanted was to stay put, so I kept going to find the light at the end of the tunnel. The more I moved forward, the more endurance I found.

You need to trust your instinct on this. It is normal to second guess yourself and to think, What if he quits drinking and goes into therapy and he is cured from BPD and we live happily ever after? If you stay, you might be thinking this exact same thing in 10 years, after your child has been subject to living in a toxic environment all those years. You have to think about the well being of your child here as well.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[ForeverDad]

Eventually we all had to do what we had to do.  You too have to do what you have to do. :'(

By now you realize it doesn't work to second guess yourself, thinking, maybe he might get better.  In all this time, he hasn't.  Accept that and make decisions based on WHAT IS, not what you wish or hope.  IF later, years from now, he has been in meaningful therapy and has made major strides toward recovery, okay then you can reconsider.  But until you can be sure he has made major improvement and not just empty promises (promises are a dime a dozen, actions are what count) stand firm to protect yourself and your child financially, emotionally, etc.

I recall back to early 2011 when the GAL was trying to get us both to accept the GAL's recommendation that I get custody.  I had filed for custody in late 2009 and it took a year and a half to get to that point.  The GAL told me, not in ex's presence, "Because of you your son will be okay."

So I will repeat that to you, "Because of you your child will be okay."  Life will still be a struggle but it will be manageable.

However, that said, the professionals will try to make deals - mediation, settlements, agreements - ones which you'll see are somewhere between good and lousy.  All too often, a deal means a less than optimal outcome and you risk going back to court over and over to fix the issues.  Deals happen because all the professionals default to pushing for deals.  In less conflictual cases they can work.  In our sort of cases too often deals leave too much unresolved and ends up "just kicking the can down the road."

In my case, we did accept the GAL's terms because the lawyers said that if we didn't, the judge would hear our sides then probably do what the GAL wanted anyway.  Good: I became Legal Guardian.  Bad: GAL wanted the equal time to continue and I knew that doing so would leave ex entitled and demanding, just as before.  Sure enough, problems remained same as before, the only improvement was that pediatrician's office accepted appointments only from me, and 16 months later I went back to court to get majority time which I had asked for the prior time.

This is not to say you can't reach settlements, just realize that they often result in half-measures and can require subsequent returns to court to fix what was left half-done.

If your spouse has documented mental or behavioral issues, then you probably can get results in your favor.  The problem is that courts often want consistent orders and your ex will be highly inconsistent in his behaviors.  The challenge is to get court to recognize that and to trust you will share your child at the times when ex is behaving better.  Perhaps it will mean shorter visits.  Perhaps supervised to some extent.  Perhaps a combination of strategies and techniques.

[momtara]

I gave my ex a lot of chances too, and even most of the way through the divorce hoped he'd change.  I felt sad and missed him and I know exactly how you feel.  What prompted the divorce was a scary weekend that involved some stuff with the kids.  Nothing physical, just threats.

Don't feel bad.  If after all of this, he has not changed, it can get worse and worse.  Your son is still young.  Better to do it while you have the chance.

Good for you for trying to get full custody.  I was talked out of it by lawyers that just said it was unlikely, as I had no proof of anything.  My exH has no alcohol problems etc - just BPD rages.

My divorce was final a few months ago.  Part of me still thinks that maybe someday my H will improve.  But until that time, it is safer and healthier for us to be away from him and legally separate.  He admitted recently that he thinks the divorce was necessary and that he's in a much better state of mind when he sees the kids every other weekend.

I think you probably tried to do what I tried to do, keep the problems under control.  Then there's a time when it becomes out of our hands. 

I feel bad that things were ok for you until 3 years ago.  Kids don't seem to ever help a spouse with BPD or anxieties - they make things worse.  It's hard for them to take a  back seat to a kid or to put a kid first.  But there can always be a trigger, if not kids, the death of a parent, or something else.  You could get sick too.

No one tried harder than me to hang on to my exH.  He still wants to come home, a year after the divorce.  It is so easy to get sucked in when he's being nice.  But all it takes is reading my journal, listening to a tape, or thinking about how I'd feel if he somehow got custody of the kids, to remind me that it's risky to trust people like these guys, until they really are better.  Hey, maybe they will invent a good drug for BPD this year.  Who knows.

I was mourning my divorce on here recently, and someone said to me, "Look at the bright side.  You and the kids are safe."  

Every step of the way, I have dealt with hard questions.  I am still dealing with them.  I thought by now I'd wake up happy every day, but I don't.  However, I have thrown myself into the children and into some creative projects that make me happy.  It is better than tiptoeing all the time.  My H may get better someday, but until that time, my kids and I live in an environment where we can breathe.  So... . hang in there and try not to feel bad.

You know -- I wish I'd known this -- you can file and then hold off on serving the papers for a little while, if you need time to prepare emotionally.  I wish I'd done that.  I would have made better decisions.

[Forestaken]

I was mourning my divorce on here recently, and someone said to me, "Look at the bright side.  You and the kids are safe."  

Too true!  I write a check every month to my s2bx, it's expensive, but I have peace and my kids' have peace.

[elizabeth716]

•   Happiness is for the brave, if you let fear rule your decisions, you’re probably going to struggle with “What if” regrets all your life

•   If you want more out of life, you have to risk more

I read these quotes daily - without fail.   Hang in there! We're here for you

Thank you for sharing your story/experiences with me here. I just transcribed the above quotes into my journal, which I carry with me, everywhere I go. They are extremely powerful, and I refer back to the tenets of Al-Anon, common mantras that I have found along the way... . but these two really speak to where I am at TODAY, in this moment, and give me a deeper sense of strength around the direction that I am moving.

In the car this morning, I was thinking about how much I don't want to do this, but inversely, how necessary and needed it is. Have you ever done something against the grain of love, or what you really want to do, in your relationship? Part of me realizes, logically, that I have been desensitized over the years and wonder what would have happened if I left years ago, the first time he raged against me in front of our son... . three years ago this Mother's Day. Does it really take that long to put up boundaries? I'm a pretty strong woman, and person... . but perhaps that doesn't apply to me as a "co-dependent/enabler".

With all of my heart, I thought that when I made him leave in January, out of love and with respect, that he would realize... . that he would get better... . that it would save him, and our marriage. But it was the complete opposite... . it was an immediate downward spiral. After he hurt my son when he was drunk last week, the end came and I can no longer allow this to happen.

[ForeverDad]

With all of my heart, I thought that when I made him leave in January, out of love and with respect, that he would realize... . that he would get better... . that it would save him, and our marriage. But it was the complete opposite... . it was an immediate downward spiral. After he hurt my son when he was drunk last week, the end came and I can no longer allow this to happen.

When I called 911 and the police came, I thought my then-spouse would feel the shocking impact.  (I sure did!)  No, after they left (without carting me off, see my summary below) she was raging and taunting and belittling me to an extreme, even to the point of getting our 3 year old to sing jingles with her belittling me, one taunt was that I had cancer everywhere specifically including my sexual organs.  Well, I had recorded her death threats earlier and when the police heard them she was the one carted off.  She faced charges but the judge decided it wasn't an 'imminent' threat if she didn't have a weapon in her hands and found her not guilty of Threat of DV.  Did she have her moment of truth?  No, once we were separated she started making false allegations of every sort imaginable.  Now, some 8 years later, the allegations are fewer but they still come.  A couple months ago I was investigated for child neglect, though CPS won't identify the complainant it could only have been her.

When two officers responded that fateful day, one came in the canine unit with the dog barking, they questioned us both.  I was holding our preschooler, quietly sobbing in my arms, clinging to me.  When an officer asked me to hand him over to his mother and 'step away' I tried to comply but he screeched and clung even tighter to me.  I went over with son, gave an expression of "I tried, what can I do" to the officer, he looked at me for a long moment, then said "work it out" and they left.  It wasn't until many months later when my divorce lawyer observed "that's strange, the policy with domestic disputes is to remove one of the spouses" that I pondered that and eventually realized I, one of the Male Gender but also the victim, was almost carted off.  I've concluded my son unknowingly saved me that day.

[elizabeth716]

This post is very helpful... . especially your initial paragraph which embodies much of how I feel right now. I'm not angry, hateful or spiteful towards my husband. I love him, and if I could provide him the fix for his issues, I would do it in a heartbeat. The anger, resentment and hatred that he demonstrates to me is heartbreaking. Maybe he means it... . maybe he doesn't? But that needs to be put aside right now. What I need to focus on is the safety of my son, and secondarily, myself.

Over the years, I've taken e-mailed his therapist, to try to "help" my husband by painting a more full picture. Then, when I thought I was going crazy, I started taking pictures of him passed out, drunk, and compiled a record of the dates, locations and situation around his (what we called them) "nuclear" explosions. Sometimes it involved alcohol, sometimes it did not. Sometimes it was over something, sometimes it was over nothing. Three years ago, I saw my husband have a psychological fracture in his life, as he realized and talked about the abuse he endured as a child (which neither of us never knew about). Before that, he was an amazing, loving, supportive person. He's since turned into a man I don't know. However, on our anniversary two years ago, he told me that he needed to be honest with me about something that was haunting him. We dated for 6 years, he told me at the time that he was faithful, but then confessed to me that during those 6 years, he slept with dozens and dozens of women... . In very extreme, dangerous manners and had no idea how many people he was with. I was, truly, shocked. I trusted him... . Believed him... . Would never have guessed this. But it was my life. How much more has he lied about? Is he a liar? Again, not the issue so much any more. My mind plays tricks on me, and because of that, I have compiled to keep my sanity.

Turning over a jump drive to the attorney on Tuesday with videos, pictures, an audio file of the drunken hatred... . and letters from his therapist to me, letters from him to me in college noting that he wanted to "hurt himself for hurting me to punish himself"... . was one of the most difficult things that I have done. I feel as if I have betrayed him... . Even though logically, I know that I am not. He has to hit rock bottom, and I've said it all along, he will not get there with me in his life.

When he is served tomorrow, it will be for immediate full legal and physical custody, accompanied by supervised visits by the court only. This is the worst case scenario, but he is unable to treat me with love, respect or even fake contentment in front of our son... . And I know that he, my little one, absorbs all of this.

The irony lies in the fact that this is ALL hidden... . and my husband is a child protection attorney.

I'm very scared... . for him most especially.

Eventually we all had to do what we had to do.  You too have to do what you have to do. :'(

By now you realize it doesn't work to second guess yourself, thinking, maybe he might get better.  In all this time, he hasn't.  Accept that and make decisions based on WHAT IS, not what you wish or hope.  IF later, years from now, he has been in meaningful therapy and has made major strides toward recovery, okay then you can reconsider.  But until you can be sure he has made major improvement and not just empty promises (promises are a dime a dozen, actions are what count) stand firm to protect yourself and your child financially, emotionally, etc.

I recall back to early 2011 when the GAL was trying to get us both to accept the GAL's recommendation that I get custody.  I had filed for custody in late 2009 and it took a year and a half to get to that point.  The GAL told me, not in ex's presence, "Because of you your son will be okay."

So I will repeat that to you, "Because of you your child will be okay."  Life will still be a struggle but it will be manageable.

However, that said, the professionals will try to make deals - mediation, settlements, agreements - ones which you'll see are somewhere between good and lousy.  All too often, a deal means a less than optimal outcome and you risk going back to court over and over to fix the issues.  Deals happen because all the professionals default to pushing for deals.  In less conflictual cases they can work.  In our sort of cases too often deals leave too much unresolved and ends up "just kicking the can down the road."

In my case, we did accept the GAL's terms because the lawyers said that if we didn't, the judge would hear our sides then probably do what the GAL wanted anyway.  Good: I became Legal Guardian.  Bad: GAL wanted the equal time to continue and I knew that doing so would leave ex entitled and demanding, just as before.  Sure enough, problems remained same as before, the only improvement was that pediatrician's office accepted appointments only from me, and 16 months later I went back to court to get majority time which I had asked for the prior time.

This is not to say you can't reach settlements, just realize that they often result in half-measures and can require subsequent returns to court to fix what was left half-done.

If your spouse has documented mental or behavioral issues, then you probably can get results in your favor.  The problem is that courts often want consistent orders and your ex will be highly inconsistent in his behaviors.  The challenge is to get court to recognize that and to trust you will share your child at the times when ex is behaving better.  Perhaps it will mean shorter visits.  Perhaps supervised to some extent.  Perhaps a combination of strategies and techniques.

[momtara]

So how did it go?

Sorry that you've been through this.  You will be much happier someday, and will look back and be glad you were so strong.

I'm not a person who takes this lightly and tells everyone to break up.  But it seems that things are getting worse and not better.