How to get over these feelings of guilt and desparation

[Cloudy Days]

It's actually hard to write this because I am not ready to leave my husband yet. But I know that this is how our relationship is going to end. I think he even knows this is how it is going to end. He keeps telling me it is over and that we are in a dysfunctional relationship. We are both in therapy with the same therapist, she seems to be pushing both of us to end it as well. He has incredible moments of clarity, we have sat down and talked like calm adults before actually about separating. However at some point the abandonment fears make their way to the surface and we do the same dance as we have always done. I have packed my bags literally a 100 times only to unpack them later because we come to some sort of agreement. I love him, I know I really do love him. But I can't live like this anymore. It's also his favorite phrase to say "I love you, but I can't live like this anymore, we are over". I know that if I didn't fight so hard to keep him in the first few years of our relationship he probably would have left me. But heck, I still fight it to this day, just differently. Why is it so hard for me so let go of him? I don't really need to go into a lot of detail about what he has put me through. I can match almost any story on this board with something that he did that is comparable. But I am still so attached to him. Every time I think about leaving him I want to just bawl my eyes out. But I know it is going to happen. My therapist hasn't been much help on this part. How do you allow yourself to let go of someone you have been clinging to for 9 years? I feel paralyzed when I think about separating from him. I don't know why, I don't really understand it at all. 

For once I have been doing work on myself. Before now I was like any good Codependent and just kept trying to change for him to make him happy and researched everything I could so I could figure out how to make him feel better. I am starting to love myself for the first time in my life, so much so that I am ok with loosing this relationship. I still feel paralyzed though, same as before. He actually told me yesterday that if we stay together he is going to Stalk me to make sure I am not cheating on him. Then when I repeated what he said to me moments later, he blew up on me saying he never said that. Once he is set off and splitting me he always says I am cheating on him. I get asked every single day if I am cheating on him and usually get asked who "his" name is. Anyways, I think I have been waiting for something to make me fall out of love with him. I've been waiting for him to do something that would break me enough to allow me to walk away emotionally. But I don't think that is going to happen and I can't wait any longer. We are both miserable, but I still cannot find the strength to say I am done and walk away. How do you do it? 

[seeking balance]

How do you do it? 

When you are ready, you will know.  It isn't some magic answer or "aha" - it just becomes enough.

When you have had enough (struggle, fear, anger, whatever it is) you leave.

What enough looks like for you - only you know.

,

SB

[Cloudy Days]

I already know I don't want it anymore. It feels like it has been enough, I don't want to wait 5 more years for me to get over him enough to leave. I feel too damaged enough already. I know I have mental problems that make me more attached to him than I should be. It all feels too hard, no one ever told me life would be this hard. As I reassure my husband again for the millionth time that I am not cheating on him... .

[seeking balance]

I already know I don't want it anymore. It feels like it has been enough, I don't want to wait 5 more years for me to get over him enough to leave. I feel too damaged enough already. I know I have mental problems that make me more attached to him than I should be. It all feels too hard, no one ever told me life would be this hard. As I reassure my husband again for the millionth time that I am not cheating on him... .

Cloudy Days - do you want to be on the leaving board or undecided?

Tell me more about why you are attached more than you should be - what does that mean?

[Cloudy Days]

I have been posting on the undecided boards, Just thought asking people who have actually left might have some insight into how I can actually build myself up to let go. I've talked with my therapist about some of my attachment issues, it's not a new thing for me to become overly attached to someone who treats me like crap. It's pretty much the only pattern I know in life. My childhood friends were sometimes very mean to me and I just kept going back. It could go along with the codependency, but I have a serious problem with walking away from people even though I need to. The only reason I stopped seeing my friend who was terrible to me was because my husband forced it on me. I honestly will probably run to her for support at some point and then feel hurt by something she has done. I recognize it as unhealthy. I have always had a really hard time making friends, I have scored extremely high for avoidant personality disorder so once I make an attachment to someone it is really hard for me to let them go. I don't make many attachments to people because I don't trust them, but it seems like the only attachments I make are to really screwed up people. I'm ready for this pattern to end. I guess time will tell. I just see people on these boards who have given up their lives for 20-30 years. I am still young, I don't want my life to be like this for 20 more years, that really scares me.

[seeking balance]

I have been posting on the undecided boards, Just thought asking people who have actually left might have some insight into how I can actually build myself up to let go.

Whether we leave or we are left, there is a point where staying in the dysfunction hurts more than leaving it - at least that was my experience.

Cloudy Days - if you want to leave, I wish I could tell you it would be an easy decision, but it requires courage and faith IMHO.