Question: Making break-up their decision?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

On Vatz's thread, he noted that sometimes we let it get to the point where the break is (seemingly) their decision.   Now that I'm being honest with myself, I did this.    I can speculate on why, but I'm interested in others' opinions and perspectives.

[LettingGo14]

On Vatz's thread, he noted that sometimes we let it get to the point where the break is (seemingly) their decision.   Now that I'm being honest with myself, I did this.    I can speculate on why, but I'm interested in others' opinions and perspectives.

[Stjarna]

Well, hmmm... . There were several times during our 40-year marriage when, during one of his rages, he would threaten me with leaving.  He actually did leave once, packed up all of his things, and drove to California from another state.  This was about at the 20-year mark.  He turned right around and came back.  That might have been the point of our real split instead of 20 years later, but he was so apologetic and full of promises, tears, and I had 4 little kids at home, and I succumbed.

But during other times that it would have been his idea to break up, it never worked out well if I ever agreed with him.  It was almost like it was a test to see if I was thinking along the lines of a breakup.  He could be spitting in my face, "I hate our life and I need you out of it... . " and other rageful sentiments, and if I would agree in the slightest, then physical violence and destruction of anything within his reach would begin and so I would immediately revert to what he wanted to hear, just to keep me and my kids safe. 

Ugh... . gives me chills just to think about those days.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I did the same thing, now Im almost regretting giving the power over to her when I should have been the one. I was always the rational one. I practically guided her through the talk (she tried texting it... . while we were in the same home... . what the heck?). however. If you do make the break up seem like their decision, I feel like maybe youre making them a little more accountable, like, were not going to play the games, you made this choice, no bs-ing around, you know? Although I frequently wonder if our break up was just her trying to see if I would let it happen or if I would chase and beg. It didnt occur to me to plead for the relationship or beg her to stay when it happened though.

[woodsposse]

I did the same thing, now Im almost regretting giving the power over to her when I should have been the one. I was always the rational one. I practically guided her through the talk (she tried texting it... . while we were in the same home... . what the heck?). however. If you do make the break up seem like their decision, I feel like maybe youre making them a little more accountable, like, were not going to play the games, you made this choice, no bs-ing around, you know? Although I frequently wonder if our break up was just her trying to see if I would let it happen or if I would chase and beg. It didnt occur to me to plead for the relationship or beg her to stay when it happened though.

during the course of our r/s we had plenty of arguments where I tried to be rational and get whatever the issues were resolved. Was usually met with whatever our issues were could never be resolved. To me this sounded like if we can't fix it then we should split.

this was usually met with more argument as to why I'm always bringing up divorce. Which I wasn't. It just made sense that if we couldn't resolve the issues then why stay?

anyway... . at the end I did want her to make the call. I still wanted to be there and I wanted to work on whatever we needed to do to fix it. Buy because I wasn't privy to all the information (her lies and cheating) it would have never worked

[LettingGo14]

Thank you each for your thoughts.   I'm wrestling with this aspect of the relationship.   Some things that come up for me.   Reasons I clung:

1.  I let her voice become my inner critic.  Shame & blame hooked me.

2.  I missed the idealization phases, however fleeting these were.

3.  I thought I could "fix" me or her or us, or all three.

4.  My authentic sense of self "deflated" during the course of the r/s.

[seeking balance]

Thank you each for your thoughts.   I'm wrestling with this aspect of the relationship.   Some things that come up for me.   Reasons I clung:

1.  I let her voice become my inner critic.  Shame & blame hooked me.

ditto

2.  I missed the idealization phases, however fleeting these were.

ditto

3.  I thought I could "fix" me or her or us, or all three.

ditto

4.  My authentic sense of self "deflated" during the course of the r/s.

ditto

1.  I had a very strong attachment to wedding vows and being gay, I felt a huge pressure this had to work... . bigger than  me.

2.  I was completely in love with the future we were creating - house, kids, it was all falling into place externally.

3.  I thought the outside stresses were legit and made excuses for very poor behavior.

Good thread LettingGo!

[jynx]

I pushed for my exh to make the break.  I had a "runner".  He always ran away from home, and since we had 3 pets, I felt like I was being held hostage there, and I remained until he came back to recycle yet again.

The last time, I left when I got the phone call with him saying he was leaving me again.  I told him that I had plans for that weekend, that I was already an hour away from the house, and that he had animals to take care of.

He filed for a divorce from me, because according to him, how can you have a relationship if you are not living together?  

I knew that when and if he finally did file, there would no longer be any recycling because of his pride.  That's what I wanted.

[Turkish]

Mine ended it because she had a back up lover on the side. She got us into couples' counseling, probably to "fix" me, and then abandoned it after 1 joint session and two individual sessions.

Early in Oct, I came to her and laid it out (after finding out about her boy toy), and said that we could make this work. Very emtional conversation, crying, etc. After a few weeks of trying, and she did seem like she wanted to. My T said that if we were married, I had every right to contact him and tell him to knock it off. Since we weren't, he left that decision up to me. I didn't.

I was hugging her on the couch one night and she said, "what if I can't get the love back?" and "what if this happens again in a few years?" (to me, that mean no and yes). I confronted her since she was still constantly texting the dude, she lied to me yet again. I then "technically" ended it, saying, "then we're done!"

Interestingly, I did the one thing she always resented her mom not doing to her dad: I kicked the cheater out. 3 months of emotional hell ensued while she was still there, but I made it :^)