my answers: LESSONS part one

[Danie14]

I’m going to try going thru the ‘lessons’ to help me…I hope I'm doing this correctly.

Questions/Exercises:

◾Post on the leaving board: What is your story?

I have posted a lot of the story in the New Here: Introduction section of this board. I’ll try to recap: Met him when I was 21 and he was 30. He was divorced. I didn’t understand what a healthy relationship was and was swept away by him. We’ve been together for just over 20 yrs. We’ve had two lengthy separations and many, many breakups. He’s had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair. There’s probably many one night stands, but I don’t even care really. He’s been physically abusive towards me. We have two children a girl who’s almost 20 and a boy who’s almost 17. We take care of his 5 yr old granddaughter (his daughter’s child, not my bio daughter) and have had her since she was about 10 months old.

It’s been a hell of a relationship. Lots of love, big love…and lots of hate? Idk something. He’s left me so many times I just don’t even care anymore, so he stopped doing that. He’s a good man. That’s the thing that gets me so frustrated. He’s really good except when he’s not. When he’s not good he’s a scary ass. I just don’t want to deal with this mess anymore. I want peace. Peace in my home, in my mind and in my bed. Peace. I can’t have that with him because he is not a peaceful person.

◾Post on the leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?

I don’t even know. I’ve read the stages, right now I’m angry. Really very angry. I’m hurt beyond believe so much that I don’t even feel it anymore…I’m just angry at everything. Maybe I’m a little bit bargaining too.  I think we could continue as a couple if he’d live elsewhere. If he had his own house and I had my on house. But that’s just not realistic. A separation? This will be the final separation. I don’t see this coming back together again UNLESS (and that’s a big fat unless) he gets some sort of help. Something. I need him to see me. I don’t think he’s ever truly seen me for me….it’s heartbreaking.


◾Post on the leaving board: What do you struggle with most?

My kids and granddaughter’s well-being.

My well-being.

His well-being.

My own sense of morality and integrity. I love this man. I truly do. I need to love myself more than him…and that’s hard to even think about much less do. I don’t know how to do that.

My family split up when I was a very little girl. My mom was never around and I was raised by my dad. I had a great childhood except I never had a mother figure in my life. Also, this plays a huge role in why I struggle to pull the final trigger on this marriage. My kids. I have always wanted them to have what I didn’t have…and that’s a two parent home.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Danie14,

This is great, I'm so glad that you are delving into the Leaving lessons.  This is the beginning of your healing, and I applaud you.  I have read your past posts, and I understand how difficult this situation has been.  It's not easy to make the decision to leave a partner of 20 years.  You can take one step at a time, and do it safely, and in your own time.  We're here to support you! 

Let's see if we can break the lessons down into smaller pieces for right now:

What do you struggle with most?

My kids and granddaughter’s well-being.

My well-being.

His well-being.

My own sense of morality and integrity. I love this man. I truly do. I need to love myself more than him…and that’s hard to even think about much less do. I don’t know how to do that.

I think step one is to start with your own well-being.  Then you'll be there for your kids and granddaughter, and other people in your life.  Focusing on you is important right now.

You mentioned that you feel angry.  It's great that you recognize that and allow yourself to feel it, the physical sensation of it, let it move through you – the feeling may morph into something else, or just go away.  This is stage one of detachment, working with our feelings (from right sidebar------------------>

You might want to explore your feelings, and maybe write them down or just sit with them as they come up for the next days and see how that goes.

Keep posting, it really helps.  We're here for you. 

[Danie14]

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

I do feel anger... . and many other things too, all wrapped up into one. Fear, sorrow, love... . hope... . that's the killer, hope. I HOPE so much for things to be different but they aren't and they never will be. I am letting of the hope because all it ever does is hurt me. 

Intellectually, I understand that I should be first in my own life. It's hard to get there when you've never really been there. I don't know if I truly understand and know how to put my own well-being first. That's sad, isn't it?

[heartandwhole]

I don't know if I truly understand and know how to put my own well-being first. That's sad, isn't it?

It is sad, AND it's the case for so many of us here, Danie14 –you are not alone.  This is learnable, and I am still learning.   

That hope is telling you that things can be different... . but it has nothing to do with what your partner is doing, it's about you.  :)ive into Danie14, and find out who she is, what she wants, what she needs.  I know it feels like a mountain, but we only have to take one step at a time.  You can do it.  It's the most exciting adventure I've ever taken.