Moving past lies and manipulation...

[giirl87]

2months and NC is going okay. I am really surprised he hasn't contacted me and luckily I have not seen him at work. Some days are definitely harder than others. I am slowly coming to terms with everything he put me through emotionally. I don't know that he has replaced me, my guess is he has since I have heard nothing from him... . which is both devastating and a blessing at the same time. I realize I will never get closure from him and although I am the one that broke up with him after 2 years of pure hell it's hard some days to not miss just hanging out with the fun him.

I feel myself getting stronger everyday. For the first month I dreaded the thought of running into him, now I think I am strong enough to act as though he doesn't exist. I told him on several occasions that I know his game and I can play along with it, and I will win!

So, I broke his heart (maybe) by breaking up with him and I was outright nasty about it which still makes me feel somewhat guilty but what I said to him in that one angry moment in no way compares things he said and did to me over the 2 years we were together.

When, and I say when because it will happen we run into each other will I possibly trigger some good thoughts to him? I can't imagine that after being with someone for years to not have some things be reminders of good times with that person... . is that possible? I know he will never feel for me what I feel, felt for him but he has to have some good thoughts about me doesn't he? I am just really having the worst time dealing with the thought that I was nothing more than a financial sex buddy... . the lies and manipulation is the hardest things to wrap my head around and it is making it difficult for me to move on past this stage. Any ideas how I can get over this hurdle?

[Lucky Jim]

Go easy on yourself, giirl87.  It's normal to feel angry about a BPD r/s, because in general it is like going through a firestorm of emotion.  Be grateful that it's over.  Enjoy your newfound sense of peace.  Try to accept that most BPD relationships aren't built for the long haul, so it's actually a blessing that you got out when you did.  Others of us (read: me) suffered through some hellish years of marriage to a pwBPD, which thankfully you avoided.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[LettingGo14]

When, and I say when because it will happen we run into each other will I possibly trigger some good thoughts to him? I can't imagine that after being with someone for years to not have some things be reminders of good times with that person... . is that possible? I know he will never feel for me what I feel, felt for him but he has to have some good thoughts about me doesn't he? I am just really having the worst time dealing with the thought that I was nothing more than a financial sex buddy... . the lies and manipulation is the hardest things to wrap my head around and it is making it difficult for me to move on past this stage. Any ideas how I can get over this hurdle?

Thank you for writing this note.  Shortly before I found this community, I reached out to my x to try to get validation that the "love" we "shared" was not all in my head.  I spent 4 months post-abandonment remembering only the good times, and suffering tremendously because my x seemed to have a "switch" she flipped to off.   Her words to me were venomous -- pure poison.

Someone told me to write a letter to myself that acknowledged the deep hurt I experienced.   They told me to step outside of the relationship and provide a "reality check" to my hurting self.   In the letter, I reminded myself about all the deeply hurtful things that occurred in the relationship (which was 80% of the time) while acknowledging the good (20% of the time).  

Now I spend a lot of time thinking about, and writing about, the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck.   My r/s was toxic, and I participated in it.  

My plan, if I see my x by chance, is to cross to the other side of the street.   I am drawing boundaries -- not to hide, and not to run, but to affirm myself.   I have the power to say, "no more."   I have the power to say, "I'm okay without her."  And I have the power to keep walking without re-engaging -- no matter how much I loved her, and no matter how good certain times were.

[giirl87]

Lettinggo14... .

It's so hard because as Nons we crave validation and closure from our ex's that we will never get. I just keep telling myself that even if I meant nothing to him and he didn't love me I am a wonderful woman,  I was a wonderful friend,  lover, and girlfriend to him.  I went above and beyond for him and therefore I validate myself.  He may replace me or already has but,  I know that she will not be treated any better than I was and eventually unless she is as mentally sick as he is she will leave him and his cycle will start over.  Mean while I have great friends, a great relationship with the father of my children,  2 amazing daughters,  and eventually,  I will find a wonderful man who will not only want to validate me,  but will want to love me in a healthy way.

I am almost,  almost to the point that I don't care that he will not or cannot give me closure because at the end of the day,  I will ALWAYS be happier with myself than he will ever be able to be with himself.  

When he starts recycling my replacement,  I will have the same great people in my life and maybe that wonderful man too!  I am worthy of self validation and I am emotionally healthy enough to let go of the need for closure (at least that's what I keep telling myself)!

I hope you maintain your boundaries and find yourself with of so much better love!

[Madison66]

giirl87,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this!  It is not easy finding closure or validation from a pwBPD.  There is just nothing rational about these r/s!

I can tell you that I broke n/c about ten days after I finally cut the cord on my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf in early December.  It was approaching the holidays and I ran into her on our block (I own a home and she has been renting one on the same street).  I tried to have a warm and compassionate closure discussion with her.  She quickly turned the conversation into emotional abuse, projecting all of the issues onto me.  My ex gf also used her kids to F.O.G. me in as usual.  She even attempted to set the terms for the r/s moving forward = she wanted to be neighbors and friends, and involvement in my life.  In other words, she wanted to keep me as narc supply when needed.  She didn't ask me what I wanted, which was right in line with what I lived the previous 3 years.  I walked away shaking my head and finally understanding that there can be no chance of closure in the way that I hoped was possible.  I have remained n/c for 100 days since then even as she has tried to break it a few times.  The good news is that the rental home she's been in is being put on the market by the owner and she's moving out (woohoo!).

I was upset with myself initially for attempting the closure discussion.  I have come to understand and accept that I did it because I'm decent human being with real feelings and genuine concern for others.  My love for my ex was real and I left her and her kids in a better place than I found them.  It also hit me like a brick that I needed to focus on my own needs, healing and detachment.  Closure came through work I am doing on myself.  That is empowering and liberating. 

You (and I) got out of abuse r/s that neither of us were equipped to deal with and absolutely could not fix.  All of the emotions you are feeling are real and needed for your healing and detachment.  I learned when I started feeling sad, angry, confused, etc. and/or when I wanted to break n/c I posted my feelings on this board first.  There was so much healthy feedback that helped me greatly.  I also suggest that if you haven't sought out a T you might consider it.  My T has helped me beyond anything I had hoped for. 

You are in the right place here on this forum and now it is about YOU!  It is time to celebrate YOU!