i think i always knew this relationship was doomed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

when we were together in the first month it was confusing. He kept telling me he was going to call me and never did or he would cancel out of the blue etc. I couldn't understand it.  Then he called me up one night and broke it off... I was shocked but then the email came in from the other woman saying he was seeing us both.  He told me that he started dating us at the same time.  She had said she thought theirs was a serious relationship. I couldn't get that since it was fairly early in our relationship... . My confusion was already getting well on its way.

Then he professes his undying love... . then i catch him on dating sites repeatedly.

But i bought his story that he had an issue for needing attention from women and that he was only "looking"  But i caught him again in this lie as i saw an email come thru from a woman inviting him to go out again !  I bought another lie. and another. I was such a fool

He was in constant therapy and I thought that since he spent so much time with me and called me most every night that he couldn't have been in anything solid.  I believed he was working hard on his issues as he said.  He made sure my connection to his daughters was solid too.  I was becoming a part of his family.

I always had wondered in the back of my mind though it was a matter of time before he found a more secure attachment on a dating site or somewhere else.

In the last stages of our relationship i started fragmenting big time.  I was losing it!

He was drinking heavily, raging, behaving crazy and it just got soo soo terrible.

He knew i wasn't able to deal with it.  He was breaking up with me repeatedly and coming back repeatedly.  (he did this more infrequently in the past) Now it was every week.  Then i was getting the stories of how he was a changed person, not the person i knew when i met him and he gave me the impression that i was not keeping up to him.  He claimed that i was holding him back to who he used to be and i was the one who was stuck.

I don't know about that. If he was so together all of a sudden he wouldnt have been so unbelievably cruel in the end.

anyhow... . he is gone and I suffer so much wondering why even with all i have learned here and about myself

Its a slow path to feeling better but at least there is some progress.  Some days are really bad.  Some times i am making some breakthroughs.

I am in therapy and i am reading, i am doing a heck of alot of self care.  I can't imagine how i would be if i wasn't doing this.  I feel like i am fighting for my life.  I know it sounds crazy but hearing all about what others are feeling here keeps me somewhat sane at least.

Nobody else seems to get it.  I feel when i reach out to others that haven't been thru this i get a big smack in the head. ugh.  guess thats what good boundaries and self care are about too. Knowing who is safe to talk to and not.  He wasn't , altho i thought he was.  I told him everything about myself.  I feel vulnerable about that too.

[corraline]

when we were together in the first month it was confusing. He kept telling me he was going to call me and never did or he would cancel out of the blue etc. I couldn't understand it.  Then he called me up one night and broke it off... I was shocked but then the email came in from the other woman saying he was seeing us both.  He told me that he started dating us at the same time.  She had said she thought theirs was a serious relationship. I couldn't get that since it was fairly early in our relationship... . My confusion was already getting well on its way.

Then he professes his undying love... . then i catch him on dating sites repeatedly.

But i bought his story that he had an issue for needing attention from women and that he was only "looking"  But i caught him again in this lie as i saw an email come thru from a woman inviting him to go out again !  I bought another lie. and another. I was such a fool

He was in constant therapy and I thought that since he spent so much time with me and called me most every night that he couldn't have been in anything solid.  I believed he was working hard on his issues as he said.  He made sure my connection to his daughters was solid too.  I was becoming a part of his family.

I always had wondered in the back of my mind though it was a matter of time before he found a more secure attachment on a dating site or somewhere else.

In the last stages of our relationship i started fragmenting big time.  I was losing it!

He was drinking heavily, raging, behaving crazy and it just got soo soo terrible.

He knew i wasn't able to deal with it.  He was breaking up with me repeatedly and coming back repeatedly.  (he did this more infrequently in the past) Now it was every week.  Then i was getting the stories of how he was a changed person, not the person i knew when i met him and he gave me the impression that i was not keeping up to him.  He claimed that i was holding him back to who he used to be and i was the one who was stuck.

I don't know about that. If he was so together all of a sudden he wouldnt have been so unbelievably cruel in the end.

anyhow... . he is gone and I suffer so much wondering why even with all i have learned here and about myself

Its a slow path to feeling better but at least there is some progress.  Some days are really bad.  Some times i am making some breakthroughs.

I am in therapy and i am reading, i am doing a heck of alot of self care.  I can't imagine how i would be if i wasn't doing this.  I feel like i am fighting for my life.  I know it sounds crazy but hearing all about what others are feeling here keeps me somewhat sane at least.

Nobody else seems to get it.  I feel when i reach out to others that haven't been thru this i get a big smack in the head. ugh.  guess thats what good boundaries and self care are about too. Knowing who is safe to talk to and not.  He wasn't , altho i thought he was.  I told him everything about myself.  I feel vulnerable about that too.

[heartandwhole]

I am in therapy and i am reading, i am doing a heck of alot of self care.  I can't imagine how i would be if i wasn't doing this.  I feel like i am fighting for my life.  I know it sounds crazy but hearing all about what others are feeling here keeps me somewhat sane at least.

Nobody else seems to get it.  I feel when i reach out to others that haven't been thru this i get a big smack in the head. ugh.  guess thats what good boundaries and self care are about too. Knowing who is safe to talk to and not.  He wasn't , altho i thought he was.  I told him everything about myself.  I feel vulnerable about that too.

corraline,

I can relate to so much of your post, especially the part about fighting for your life.  It felt that way for me, too.  It's so hard to describe to someone who hasn't been through it!  It doesn't make sense to others, and I understand that, but it sure is nice to connect with people who do.    I'm glad that is what you are experiencing.

I'm sorry you still suffer, although it's very normal and part of the process.  I think it's great that you are focusing on you, practicing self-care and seeing a T. 

You know, my pwBPD was working hard on his issues in therapy, too.  Unfortunately, we just couldn't work, and that is due to my issues as much as his.  That was hard for me to take in, but now I see it as a gift. 

Hang in there, you are doing good work. We're here for you. 

[Madison66]

corraline,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this!  I have at nearly 120 days out of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I read somewhere about leaving r/s with a pwPD is 100 days of pain to help ensure a lifetime of happiness.  Well, I'm past 100 days and there is still some pain but it is getting so much better by the day. 

I left my r/s in October after the emotional abuse/blackmail and projecting had gotten completely out of control.  I recall a couples T session that was so filled with projecting that I even called it quits on the T, which isn't like me.  I recycled the r/s for a six week period before finally cutting the cord in December.  At my first post b/u individual T session, my T read to me the notes she took when I first called her in January 2012 to setup couples T for me and my ex gf.  We were about a year and three months into the r/s and I was struggling with the push/pull feeling of the r/s and with the rages.  Little did I know about PD's at that time.  The line that caught my attention from my T's note's was that I said nearly two years before leaving the r/s that I felt the r/s couldn't be sustained based on what I was experiencing.  I was devoted and stayed.  Again, I didn't understand the emotional abuse, the nature of PD's and I wasn't dealing with the issues I brought into the r/s.  I believe many on this board could say similar things.  You are in good company!