exBPDbf sent me an insipid text

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We are almost a month out from the b/u (initiated by him). We have been NC except for a 5-minute text exchange last weekend (also initiated by him).

He sent a text this morning: "This doesn't seem like something you'd do so I hate to ask, but have you been calling my house and hanging up?" I responded "No," because of course I haven't. He said, "Thanks, didn't think so."

What the heck? Why is he doing this? Just when I'm feeling OK -- as in, not soul-crushingly sad and depressed -- he has to make sure his name pops up on my phone. I still hadn't fully recovered from the last time he texted me. (I didn't break down, but it was still f#cking hard for me.) Plus I'm sick as crap and already feel like just crawling into bed for days... . this doesn't help.

[HappyNihilist]

We are almost a month out from the b/u (initiated by him). We have been NC except for a 5-minute text exchange last weekend (also initiated by him).

He sent a text this morning: "This doesn't seem like something you'd do so I hate to ask, but have you been calling my house and hanging up?" I responded "No," because of course I haven't. He said, "Thanks, didn't think so."

What the heck? Why is he doing this? Just when I'm feeling OK -- as in, not soul-crushingly sad and depressed -- he has to make sure his name pops up on my phone. I still hadn't fully recovered from the last time he texted me. (I didn't break down, but it was still f#cking hard for me.) Plus I'm sick as crap and already feel like just crawling into bed for days... . this doesn't help.

[Trent]

Maybe people have really been calling and hanging up, or maybe he just wants to test your response.  He probably would have preferred that you respond with "No but I miss you so much please come back to me!"

Short of that, any response (even a simple 'no' means you're still willing to communicate, if only minimally.

He'll probably keep doing this until you do something to block him from calling/texting you.  Next time he'll send you a blank text followed by an 'oops', maybe a simple 'hi', or a full blown apology... . and we get sucked back in again and the cycle repeats itself.  Is this what you want?  Maybe it is.  Most of us have been there.  I know I have.  I understand.   

NC and text/call blocking is really the way to go if you're truly ready to move on.  Good luck!

[DB33]

If you are not ready, or for whatever reasons can't go NC yet, here is a little trick I learned from my exGF.

I noticed that when she was mad at me she would change my name in her contacts. Once after a breakup I was entered under the name of my dog (Really. She loved the dog more than me and I was thinking maybe that is why she came back after 3 months NC  )  This last time a little while before our final split I was known as "ex boyfriend"  

After our breakup I too did not like seeing her name on my phone. It stirred up emotional feelings. So I changed her to "ex girlfriend"  And you know what? It's a little better, it helps and reinforces our status when I hear from her.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I changed contact name to DO NOT ANSWER with the yellow triangles that are at the top of the page here at bpdfamily.com.  Changed ring and text tone to ALARM, now it doesn't matter cuz its blocked.

CiF

[HappyNihilist]

I probably should block his number, but I honestly didn't think I would need to.

Maybe people have really been calling and hanging up, or maybe he just wants to test your response.  He probably would have preferred that you respond with "No but I miss you so much please come back to me!"

I'm sure he would have enjoyed that response.   If nothing else, it would have given him the chance to reject me again.

I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out his brain, and I'd be no closer at my last breath than I am now.  

Short of that, any response (even a simple 'no' means you're still willing to communicate, if only minimally.

He'll probably keep doing this until you do something to block him from calling/texting you.  Next time he'll send you a blank text followed by an 'oops', maybe a simple 'hi', or a full blown apology... . and we get sucked back in again and the cycle repeats itself.  Is this what you want?  Maybe it is.  Most of us have been there.  I know I have.  I understand.    

NC and text/call blocking is really the way to go if you're truly ready to move on.  Good luck!

I'm going to bet on an "oops" style text. I'll just have to laugh if he does it.

Full honesty here: I'm a little scared of what he might do if I blocked him completely. Maybe he'd just forget and move on. But he can be vengeful and cruel. And so full of rage. I would prefer not to block him, but to only respond in a courteous, brief way. I have no problems not initiating contact.

If you are not ready, or for whatever reasons can't go NC yet, here is a little trick I learned from my exGF.

I noticed that when she was mad at me she would change my name in her contacts. Once after a breakup I was entered under the name of my dog (Really. She loved the dog more than me and I was thinking maybe that is why she came back after 3 months NC  )  This last time a little while before our final split I was known as "ex boyfriend"  

After our breakup I too did not like seeing her name on my phone. It stirred up emotional feelings. So I changed her to "ex girlfriend"  And you know what? It's a little better, it helps and reinforces our status when I hear from her.

Haha, I like this idea a lot. I think I'll change his name to Ass.

[willy45]

I changed mine to: F*ckOff F*ckFace

It is just a reminder of what to think when she texts me again, which I'm pretty certain will be right around the time that I'm feeling better about life. It has happened like this every single other time. So, hopefully this time I can read it and say that to myself and not respond.

[HappyNihilist]

It is just a reminder of what to think when she texts me again, which I'm pretty certain will be right around the time that I'm feeling better about life. It has happened like this every single other time.

How do they know? What mad witchcraft do they have access to?

[patientandclear]

HN -- if he'd written what was in his heart, after you said "no," his response would have been: "why haven't you?"

He wants to "touch" you, he wants to know that you still care.

I like your response and I don't think it's any more validating or encouraging to him that full on blocking, for what it's worth.  If you are able, having the discipline to respond dispassionately and without taking the bait sends the message that his charms and strategies aren't working as well or better than NC.

[HappyNihilist]

HN -- if he'd written what was in his heart, after you said "no," his response would have been: "why haven't you?"

He wants to "touch" you, he wants to know that you still care.

You know, I really do see that. He equates that sort of obsessive behavior with love. And it probably hurts him that I'm not reaching out in any way, or responding with pleas and declarations of love when he does initiate contact.

The truth is that I will always care about him and love him. I will always worry about him in some way. I sincerely do hope he knows this, somewhere, because I know that he's a lonely, hurting person, and he has a lot of good in him and self-awareness, and he deserves to know that some people do care.

I will not play games with his feelings or my own. We both deserve better than that.

I like your response and I don't think it's any more validating or encouraging to him that full on blocking, for what it's worth.  If you are able, having the discipline to respond dispassionately and without taking the bait sends the message that his charms and strategies aren't working as well or better than NC.

Thank you for this.

I would not be able to take a call from him. But the occasional "testing" text, I feel like I can handle. (If I ever feel like I can't anymore, I'll have no choice for myself but to block him.)

I do feel a lot better now. And I feel stronger in myself, too. Of course, we all know where hubris leads in Greek tragedy... .  I'm trying to be proud of myself, but within reason. I need strong boundaries for a very good reason, obviously. Those aren't built/rebuilt/reinforced overnight.

[Cardinals in Flight]

HN, I can totally relate.  In the past I would get texts kinda like that, and usually succumb.  Patterns are being broken, we are all getting stronger!

CiF

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

My exBP rang me this morning. I wish I hadn't answered the phone, didn't recognise the number really and would never think he would call me from a mobile anyway. After 4 years of his ringing from phone boxes, or his parents phone, (permanent excuses as to why he never brought phone credit and kept changing SIM cards every few months because he never put credit on them) it was a real slap in the face that although he is apparently still starving, homeless and living in his car, he suddenly has money to buy a new phone and put credit on it?

Nice if he could have done that when he was with me, guess it wasn't a priority to have a phone that worked and credit on it when in a relationship.

He announced that he would send my old phone back to me in the mail, (gee thanks, now that you have broken it beyond further use).

When I first answered my mobile this morning, I was at work, and it was 6.30am when he called.

There was no 'Hi', it was straight into, 'Are you at work?' At first I didn't realise it was him, and said 'What' who is this?'

I was pretty annoyed that he even asked, and was even ringing me, when he knows I am at work every day at that time, he also knows I have my own business and don't get days off easily.

I replied, (somewhat abruptly just like his abrasive greeting) that 'Yes, why do  you ask?'

He then asked if I was grumpy, (although I knew he was anyway). I said 'No, I am not grumpy, but I am at work and right in the middle of something I have to finish ASAP'. Then I foolishly offered to call him back in ten minutes.

He made out he didn't care really, blithering on at me whilst pretending to be totally detached from 'us'.

Um, why are you calling me at 6.30am then?

Working is a foreign concept for exBP, after almost 6 years of unemployment, (which is all apparently my fault by the way).

Anyway, when I called him back, he launched into an excuse as to why he had called, making out that he only really wanted to catch up for a 'gossip'. Wanted to know what was going on at the Centre I operate business from, and what I was doing in my life etc. As usual, he gave very little away about his own life and activities, although he did say he had done one days paid work through the Governmental Employment Agency, (they are putting more pressure on him to take up employment). Up to lately, he has been lying to them about why he hasn't found a job and is still homeless. Yep, you guessed it, he has been launching a smear campaign against his whole family and his involvement with me and my family. We got all the blame, and obviously he has gotten away with not working for 6 years, (4 whilst with me).

He often admitted to needing 'help' but refused to tell the Government Agency, as he feared it would jeopardise his employment chances. Yea, I see that, after all this time, that you were obviously really worried about not finding a job!

Sorry guys, I'm just angry again that I answered my phone. NC was better!

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I like that Im not the only one that used her name in my cell phone to activate a reality check, her name in my phone is now and forever "Liar"