Techniques to help me keep up with my girlfriend

[matilda19]

We broke up last weekend. A few days later after some time apart we discussed the break up and she explained that she didn't mean it and that it was a spur of the moment rash decision on her behalf and that she in fact didn't want to break up. Since then it has been all peachy. She is loving and affectionate again. Talking about our life together.

That was until last night. I had been working all day and upon returning home realised she was not there (we were meant to meet at our apartment after work as arranged) but was in fact having a beer with someone that I had specifically asked her not to. Guy X is someone that I do not trust and know for a fact that they have both had physical intimacy (something they had tried to keep from me). So I find this out and spend some time trying to calm myself down knowing full well that we are going to have a confrontation about it. I arrive at the pub and they both act as though everything is fine and I say hey and we all shake hands. I try my best to be normal and to maintain myself but Guy X can obviously sense the awkwardness and leaves. She loses it and asks me what right do I have telling her who she can spend time with and that they are just friends. She begins raging. Yelling and shouting. Slamming doors. I try and calm her down and ask to speak about it maturely and all her responses are riddled with sarcasm and anger. She says she has nothing to apologise for and doesn't care and that she doesn't want to see me or our friends and thanks me for ruining her night. So I leave to go and see my brother and she is asleep by the time I get home. Before I leave to see my brother she threatens me and tells me that if I say anything to anyone that I will be in trouble.

Now I contacted her again today thinking she may have calmed down. But she hasn't. She says she has nothing to apologise for and that she doesn't care that I was upset. She resents me for telling her what to do. She won't discuss it with me so I can explain or make it better but she keeps insisting I have ruined her weekend and that my immaturity and insecurity have ruined her weekend. I honestly want to discuss it properly. Maturely. Without aggression.

She is reluctant to say or do anything to make the situation better. Then all of a sudden invites me to come hang out with her and her friend. I am like 'what? why?' but now I am the bad guy because I didn't want to go and hang out and pretend we weren't fighting and that she had in fact hurt me.

What do I do? Am I crazy? I can't tell if I did anything wrong or what had happened? It all gets very confusing very quickly. She is the master of distraction and confusing. Any advice would be great. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tired-of-it-all]

I am still living with my wife but I have set boundaries as to what is acceptable to me.  I have made it clear that I will not tolerate certain things.  I will not tolerate situations that make me feel like she is being unfaithful or is in a situation that may lead to her being unfaithful.  If she were to insist on behaving that way, then I am done with the relationship.  I am not willing to accept otherwise.  Furthermore, I no longer accept her berating me.  I set these boundaries by moving out and taking the younger child with me.  I eventually decided to move back.  I have held my ground on these boundaries.

We all have to decide what we will accept.  When one person berates and disrespects another it is unhealthy for both partners.

From the title of your post it almost seemed that you want to know how to keep tabs on your girlfriend.  Like spy on her and keep up with who she is with.  If that is what you are asking, I can tell you that that is a very unhealthy practice for you.  It will become extremely obsessive behavior that will make you miserable and give her more and more power over you.  I do not want a life partner that I have to spy on.  I no longer check phone records or internet usage or follow anyone around.  Life is too short.

If this reply seems a little convoluted, I have been told that we are not to advise anyone to leave their partner on this category.  I just know that I cannot change anyone.  I can only set boundaries, decide what I will accept and if they violate these, I am done.  These issues are that important to me.

[an0ught]

Hi matilda,

Now I contacted her again today thinking she may have calmed down. But she hasn't. She says she has nothing to apologise for and that she doesn't care that I was upset. She resents me for telling her what to do. She won't discuss it with me so I can explain or make it better but she keeps insisting I have ruined her weekend and that my immaturity and insecurity have ruined her weekend. I honestly want to discuss it properly. Maturely. Without aggression.

She is reluctant to say or do anything to make the situation better. Then all of a sudden invites me to come hang out with her and her friend. I am like 'what? why?' but now I am the bad guy because I didn't want to go and hang out and pretend we weren't fighting and that she had in fact hurt me.

What do I do? Am I crazy? I can't tell if I did anything wrong or what had happened? It all gets very confusing very quickly. She is the master of distraction and confusing. Any advice would be great. Thanks.

it would be great if we would be able to discuss our conflicts and draw conclusions that avoid them in the future. The nature of BPD makes it very difficult to do this together. The best advice can be found in the LESSONS and it centers around the premise that we only control ourselves and can work on our side. Won't solve all problems but it can help a lot to reduce conflicts.