NC game

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

Just been beating myself up for being weak and pathetic for allowing the last recycle and the brutal discard.

I am sorry for not taking the bull by the horns and finishing things myself . My question is,

Once they have lost respect and love for you, can it ever come back? Or is it a done deal?

I'm working on detachment,'honestly'... . but my mind tries to turn the NC into a game of hoping for some contact...

It's just the same stuff going round and round.

[Front runner]

Hi All,

Just been beating myself up for being weak and pathetic for allowing the last recycle and the brutal discard.

I am sorry for not taking the bull by the horns and finishing things myself . My question is,

Once they have lost respect and love for you, can it ever come back? Or is it a done deal?

I'm working on detachment,'honestly'... . but my mind tries to turn the NC into a game of hoping for some contact...

It's just the same stuff going round and round.

[BacknthSaddle]

A few things:

1) I think it's normal, especially early in the course of NC, to be secretly hoping for contact.  Focus on avoiding the urge to initiate contact.  If she does reach out to you, take note of the nature of her contact.  When I went NC, I started to notice that all of my ex's contacts took the form of some request, something she needed from me.  Because I had stepped back, I started to realize how truly selfish and one-sided her idea of any type of relationship is.  This realization has made me desire contact much less.

2) If she does reach out, under most circumstances I would not respond.  But, if you feel compelled to respond and can't resist, make sure you respond in an emotion-neutral way.  Look at what you write closely to make sure that you are not burying emotional content in there.  I received this advice from someone else on the board, and I've found it very helpful.

3) Most importantly, you need to ask yourself not "can the respect for me come back?" but rather "why do I give a damn whether or not THIS person respects me?"  Is this a person that YOU truly respect?  Who you find to be fueled by integrity and a strong moral sensibility?  Who you believe is driven to supply his/er life with value and meaning?  Or is this someone who manipulates others (knowingly or otherwise) in order to have juvenile emotional needs met and then discards these same others when the needs are no longer present or can be met elsewhere?

I think most of us on these boards would admit that the latter is the case.  Ask yourself if your sister or brother or friend were dating such a person, if you would care about their "respect."  And then ask yourself how this is different.  The answer has something to do with you (with all of us who have found ourselves in this relationship), and you won't really be able to heal until you address it. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi frontrunner,

Detaching is hard, and it's understandable to hope for things to return to the good times.  I think all of us have been there at some point.  Let yourself feel those feelings, it's an important part of the process.  

In my opinion, NC is a time-out for us to work on detachment, nothing more, nothing less.  It is not a way to try to instigate a response from your ex, or make her feel something, although it may have that effect.  

The most important question is about you, and what you are doing to heal, so that you can eventually open up to a relationship that feels healthy and good.  You described a "brutal discard" – is that the kind of relationship you want?

Be gentle with yourself, Front runner.  Keep writing, we're here for you.