Please God don't let my sister die before I figure out what to do

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't read any posts here yet, the first thing I came upon was the little button to tell my story so here it is.  It's pretty heavy and I'm going to leave out a lot of the horrible things that have gone on because I'm sure you people know what kind of gory stuff comes from someone with BPD - but let me tell you - my sister is GNARLY!    She may only be 5 feet tall with a hat on, but She's a Wolverine!  So here goes... .

My big sister and I were always very close growing up and she was the 'responsible' one - until our mother died that is.  She died suddenly in 1995 when I was 24 and my sister 26 - I went to therapy for 5 years, my sister did not.  I'm not sure if that made any difference for me, but that's what happened.  She always had abandonment and self esteem issues, but not crippling.  But after mom died, she started with the destructive behaviors - meeting lots of random men, spitefully moving to a really bad neighborhood to 'get me back' for making her get off my couch and get a job and her own place after 5 years, and probably some other stuff I don't know about (even though her incentive was that I send her to school).  She had volatile relationships and friendships (our friends boycotted her birthday one year because she was being a raging B___).  Still, however, she was functional.  She worked and maintained friendships, and eventually got married.  Her marriage was very up and down for 8 years.  Her husband is a nice enough guy but I don't think he really loved her because he didn't treat her right.  She wouldn't leave because she said she's afraid to be alone and that no one would ever want her - she's damaged goods - etc... .   Right after she married, she started drinking HEAVILY.  She was never a drinker, but all of a sudden she was this RAGING alcoholic.  And I mean RAGING!  She became violent and would completely black out so she was incoherent and couldn't rationalize anything so she would rage as long as she felt like it.  After years of this abusive marriage - cheating by both parties, secretive drug use by the husband, squandering money by the husband, complete lack of presence by the husband forcing her to take care of anything and everything that needed taking care of and if she wasn't able to do it, it didn't get done (such as move her stuff out of storage so it didn't go to auction - so it did).  Several moves, living without hot water or electricity so he could buy drugs, temper tantrums if he didn't get them.  So he spent and she drank... . he got high and she got drunk... . not fun.  Through it all, she and I remained very close and I was the only one she felt solid with, trusted and loved.  I love my sister.  shortly before they separated last year, she started using speed (she said she wanted to see what all the fuss was about that her husband was hiding his use for years).  The Beginning of The End.  My sister had a gastric bypass so she never really ate much and she never was much of a sleeper.  BUT NOW she never eats and never sleeps and has lost her mind completely.  Over the last year, she has really become someone I don't know.  She has always had the signs and symptoms of BPD, but now they are HUGE, STRONG, ALL ENCOMPASSING.  My sister is gone and all that's left is this LYING, FURIOUS, sad, scared, filthy mouthed, irresponsible, woman with zero self esteem, no friends (no real friends anyway) and the worst part - she hates and resents me. I can't believe one word she says - ever!  Her mood swings are off the charts in both directions and she goes from one extreme to the other every 10 minutes - no exaggeration!  She has EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM OF BPD.  EVERY ONE!  She is dramatic and lies for sympathy and money and then when she gets what she wants, she has no qualms about the truth coming out so I feel like a HUGE SUCKER!  I have given her almost 15,000$ to 'help' her out of whatever the drama of the day is, I paid her rent so she would have a place to live but she went crazy on the roommate and got kicked out in about a month or so.  She wanted an RV so she "could never get kicked out again".  So I bought her one.  It has since been abandoned.  She has a warrant for not attending anger management and paying a fine and doing community service which stemmed from a domestic violence charge from her husband.   For the last week or so she has been living on the streets and completely relies on handouts and strange men.  She doesn't even consider any alternate means of sustaining herself.  Her public assistance was taken away because she has the warrant - doesn't matter.  Her RV is sitting on a street somewhere - doesn't matter.  ALL of her life long belongings are GONE - doesn't matter.  All she cares about is getting high now.  I hacked into her iphone (which she stole from me) because it's the only way I can make sure she's still alive because she won't talk to me.  I'm trying to figure out where she is but she hasn't been on her phone for going on 2 days.  Her texts with these men get very volatile when they don't pick her up when she demands or when they don't bring her drugs and I'm afraid she's going to rage out on the wrong person.  I'm terrified and I just don't know what to do.  She has taken advantage of me to the EXTREME, hammered me with vile names while in the same sentence telling me to send her money "or shut the F**K up you useless bloodclot". She has hurt me, used me and has cost me many relationships, but I love her, she's my sister and she needs help.  I just don't know how to help her - especially if I can't find her.  I want to get her taken in on her warrant so she sobers up for 5 minutes, but then what?  I told her she's got BPD and sent her some info.  After initially telling me I should worry more about my "Head Up My Own Ass Disorder", she had a moment of sobriety last week and after she swore off speed because it makes her stupid and useless, she agreed she has all the symptoms and needs help, but that got lost lost somewhere inside that chaotic blonde head of hers because she lied about staying away from speed and she got more drugs.  I'm so scared - please don't let her get killed by some dude in a motel... .   I need help to save her.  Where do I go?  Who do I ask?  Please help me save my sister.  Please.   

[ScaredSister]

I haven't read any posts here yet, the first thing I came upon was the little button to tell my story so here it is.  It's pretty heavy and I'm going to leave out a lot of the horrible things that have gone on because I'm sure you people know what kind of gory stuff comes from someone with BPD - but let me tell you - my sister is GNARLY!    She may only be 5 feet tall with a hat on, but She's a Wolverine!  So here goes... .

My big sister and I were always very close growing up and she was the 'responsible' one - until our mother died that is.  She died suddenly in 1995 when I was 24 and my sister 26 - I went to therapy for 5 years, my sister did not.  I'm not sure if that made any difference for me, but that's what happened.  She always had abandonment and self esteem issues, but not crippling.  But after mom died, she started with the destructive behaviors - meeting lots of random men, spitefully moving to a really bad neighborhood to 'get me back' for making her get off my couch and get a job and her own place after 5 years, and probably some other stuff I don't know about (even though her incentive was that I send her to school).  She had volatile relationships and friendships (our friends boycotted her birthday one year because she was being a raging B___).  Still, however, she was functional.  She worked and maintained friendships, and eventually got married.  Her marriage was very up and down for 8 years.  Her husband is a nice enough guy but I don't think he really loved her because he didn't treat her right.  She wouldn't leave because she said she's afraid to be alone and that no one would ever want her - she's damaged goods - etc... .   Right after she married, she started drinking HEAVILY.  She was never a drinker, but all of a sudden she was this RAGING alcoholic.  And I mean RAGING!  She became violent and would completely black out so she was incoherent and couldn't rationalize anything so she would rage as long as she felt like it.  After years of this abusive marriage - cheating by both parties, secretive drug use by the husband, squandering money by the husband, complete lack of presence by the husband forcing her to take care of anything and everything that needed taking care of and if she wasn't able to do it, it didn't get done (such as move her stuff out of storage so it didn't go to auction - so it did).  Several moves, living without hot water or electricity so he could buy drugs, temper tantrums if he didn't get them.  So he spent and she drank... . he got high and she got drunk... . not fun.  Through it all, she and I remained very close and I was the only one she felt solid with, trusted and loved.  I love my sister.  shortly before they separated last year, she started using speed (she said she wanted to see what all the fuss was about that her husband was hiding his use for years).  The Beginning of The End.  My sister had a gastric bypass so she never really ate much and she never was much of a sleeper.  BUT NOW she never eats and never sleeps and has lost her mind completely.  Over the last year, she has really become someone I don't know.  She has always had the signs and symptoms of BPD, but now they are HUGE, STRONG, ALL ENCOMPASSING.  My sister is gone and all that's left is this LYING, FURIOUS, sad, scared, filthy mouthed, irresponsible, woman with zero self esteem, no friends (no real friends anyway) and the worst part - she hates and resents me. I can't believe one word she says - ever!  Her mood swings are off the charts in both directions and she goes from one extreme to the other every 10 minutes - no exaggeration!  She has EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM OF BPD.  EVERY ONE!  She is dramatic and lies for sympathy and money and then when she gets what she wants, she has no qualms about the truth coming out so I feel like a HUGE SUCKER!  I have given her almost 15,000$ to 'help' her out of whatever the drama of the day is, I paid her rent so she would have a place to live but she went crazy on the roommate and got kicked out in about a month or so.  She wanted an RV so she "could never get kicked out again".  So I bought her one.  It has since been abandoned.  She has a warrant for not attending anger management and paying a fine and doing community service which stemmed from a domestic violence charge from her husband.   For the last week or so she has been living on the streets and completely relies on handouts and strange men.  She doesn't even consider any alternate means of sustaining herself.  Her public assistance was taken away because she has the warrant - doesn't matter.  Her RV is sitting on a street somewhere - doesn't matter.  ALL of her life long belongings are GONE - doesn't matter.  All she cares about is getting high now.  I hacked into her iphone (which she stole from me) because it's the only way I can make sure she's still alive because she won't talk to me.  I'm trying to figure out where she is but she hasn't been on her phone for going on 2 days.  Her texts with these men get very volatile when they don't pick her up when she demands or when they don't bring her drugs and I'm afraid she's going to rage out on the wrong person.  I'm terrified and I just don't know what to do.  She has taken advantage of me to the EXTREME, hammered me with vile names while in the same sentence telling me to send her money "or shut the F**K up you useless bloodclot". She has hurt me, used me and has cost me many relationships, but I love her, she's my sister and she needs help.  I just don't know how to help her - especially if I can't find her.  I want to get her taken in on her warrant so she sobers up for 5 minutes, but then what?  I told her she's got BPD and sent her some info.  After initially telling me I should worry more about my "Head Up My Own Ass Disorder", she had a moment of sobriety last week and after she swore off speed because it makes her stupid and useless, she agreed she has all the symptoms and needs help, but that got lost lost somewhere inside that chaotic blonde head of hers because she lied about staying away from speed and she got more drugs.  I'm so scared - please don't let her get killed by some dude in a motel... .   I need help to save her.  Where do I go?  Who do I ask?  Please help me save my sister.  Please.   

[half-life]

Your sister's situation is seriously concerning. She clearly have mental problem and all these drug use and living on the street wouldn't help. I wish I would know of something that helps.

You are a good little sister. After all her accusations and apparent self-destructive behavior she still stand by her. Get more help from your family and friends. This will be difficult and you need all the help you can.

[Kwamina]

Hello ScaredSister,

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with your sister's difficult behavior. You were very close and it's clear how much you still love her, in spite of everything that has happened. It's very hard to see someone you love suffer so it's quite understandable that you want to try and save your sister. BPD is a difficult disorder and unfortunately we can't make our BPD loved ones change if they don't want to. There are ways for people with BPD to better manage the disorder but for this to happen they need to acknowledge they have a problem and fully commit themselves to doing the work necessary to learn how to deal with their thoughts and emotions. It's clear that your sister is in a bad place right now but I also get one hopeful sign from your post. You said that she in a (possible)  moment of sobriety agreed she exhibits all the symptoms of BPD and needs help. Did you feel like she was sincere? The drugs and alcohol really complicate things, but maybe if she could get to the point  where she'd quit with these things, she would actually seek help and start working on managing the BPD. Getting to that point isn't easy I realize that. I think you might also benefit from taking a look at the coping and healing board: L5 - Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

The people on that message board know what it's like to have BPD family members. Many of them have BPD siblings too and will be able to relate to your story and give you advice going forward.

[ScaredSister]

Thanks for the replies.  Kwamina - I do feel she was being sincere.  She sounded like her old self, instead of the scattered, distant person who is always talking to someone else while on the phone with me, that she is most of the time lately. I really thought she wasn't going to do drugs again - that was the last time I spoke to her.  She has texted me since, but I haven't spoken to her on the phone. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again ScaredSister,

How are you doing now? It is very unfortunate that your sister is doing drugs again but I am glad to read that you feel like she was sincere when she acknowledged her BPD symptoms and said she needed help. I really hope this will happen in the near future.

One thing that struck me from your original post is how you describe the change in your sister after your mother died. After piecing together my own family history I noticed something similar. I never knew my grandmother, but what I do know is that after she died my own mother started changing. Like your sister, my uBPD mother was 26 when her own mother died. I believe my mother always had certain issues but that my grandmother kinda managed her emotions for her. After my grandmother died my mother had to manage her emotions by herself and that is when things took a turn for the worse. I wish I could do more for you but maybe you can find some comfort in the fact that your story resonates with other people too who have gone through similar things. Take care 

[P.F.Change]

Hi, ScaredSister,

I just wanted to add my 

My heart truly breaks to hear what you are going through. I can tell you care a lot about your sister. Drug addictions really can make life terribly hard. It is understandable you are worried about her based on her lifestyle choices. I really hear how much you want to save her and get her help. It's really going to be up to her to decide she wants to change before that is possible, I think.

What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself, ScaredSister? Have you ever considered going to an Al-Anon meeting or talking with a counselor of your own about what you are going through with your sister?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[CamiellaFlower]

You are such a wonderful person for having such unconditional love for your sis.  I can relate to the concern of seeing your sis indulge in such self destructive behaviour with men, drugs, alcohol, legal problems, etc.  It's really hard to see someone you love go through these things, but her admittance of possible BPD is a huge step and gives so much hope to the situation.  This admittance is the first step towards her getting help.  My heart goes out to you, your sister and your situation, you are such an incredibly strong and caring person and your determination to help your sister so, so admirable.  My BPD sister used to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, was extremely promiscuous with men and had many encounters with legal problems due to violence that occurred when she was under the influence-- including incidents that occurred with the men she spent time with.  I hope it will give you hope to hear that my sister has gotten the help that she needs and while she still struggles every day she is now clean and sober and living in a very stable and faithful relationship with an incredible man who loves her a lot.  They even have a puppy together! There is hope and I wish you all the best.  Stay strong, and while helping your sister is of course extremely important to you, don't forget to focus on the most important thing which is YOURSELF.  Sometimes you have to realize that the things that happen are not in your control and a big turning point in my life was realizing that the things my sister does are not in my control so worrying about them is only going to be detrimental to my own life.  Unless she wants to get help on her own, there is not much you can do except be there for her when she is ready to accept the help that she needs! Be hopeful if she admitted she needs the help I believe that deep down she wants to take the next step and get it!  My heart goes out to you both