I thought we could be friends...

[theyMaySayThatImaDreamer]

   By ex-wife had gotten to the point where we were texting and chatting quite comfortably, even sharing information about our personal lives now apart form each other, including how we are seeing and how its going.  It felt like we may had been on the road to a recovery and starting as  a friendship but I feel as if I have been duped and fell for her old tactics once again.

   I've noticed her pattern, that when everything is working out for her, everyone is amazing, I am amazing, she is open and fun and honest, but when something goes wrong or worse, if she feels abandoned, she attacks me.  She had a melt down as this will be the first birthday without me, and it's a big one, she's 30.  A week ago she was excited and telling me about this amazing private dinner she had planned for her friends, and her boyfriend might go.  She and her boyfriend brokeup, and many of her friends cancelled or backed out of her upcoming party.  She had a melt down and took it out on me.  She exploded, texted me, called me, left messages, emailed me.  She is freaking out because she claims if I actually loved her as a friend I would fly there for her birthday so she wouldn't be alone.  She blames me for the downfall of the marriage, downplays her infidelity to an extreme, claims I am selfish for not supporting her on her birthday (which she LOVES birthdays because they are all about her).  I bantered for a while, but then I realized I was feeding her tactics.  I silenced and ignored, then a couple hours later she tried the sweet route, claiming she didnt' mean any of the nasty things (like "go ___ yourself" and "take responsibility, this is your fault", "no one will ever love me, you never loved me", "stop being selfish, endure some temporary discomfort to help me in my time of need" and wanted to say she just really needs me and is so lonely.  I fell for it, and started talking again, but it escalated to the point where she said we can't be friends if I won't come visit.

     I thought we could be amicable and this could be a legitimate friendship, but I let her tactics get the best of me and I see the patterns arise, full force, now that thing in her life aren't working out.

   

[Yogeek]

I am so sorry for the pain you must be experiencing. Betrayal never gets any easier. Even though I know my ex is always manipulative and dishonest and will always betray me, I keep thinking "this time will be different."

If it's any consolation to you, sharing what you did really helped me tonight. I'm on day 26 of NC and those thoughts of "maybe we could just be friends" were  playing on repeat in my head all evening. Your post helped put those ruminations to rest, for a little while, at least.

Thanks, buddy. 

[theyMaySayThatImaDreamer]

@Yogeek  I'm so glad it helped.  It's hard to accept, because she was part of my life for so long, and I want to be friends... . but we can't.  It will never "be different this time".  So thanks for reminding me of that.    Stay strong!

A quick update.  Only half a day after her saying we can't be friends, apparently her party is back on and her love interest might be going again.  She contacted me apologizing profusely and wants to be friends again.  When things in her world are good, everyone is an angel and people are amazing, when things get bad, I'm the devil, everything is terrible.  And the recycling goes on.  It's time for total NC I suppose.  That's is so much harder to do than said.

Thanks for your support.

[GreenMango]

Trying to emotionally detach from her might help here.  It's real hard to do that if you are having emotional conversations that have intimacy and some kind of mutual dependency especially if thay leads to getting chewed out.

What are your boundaries with her and a friendship?   What do you think hers are?  Do they match?

[Tincup]

GreenMango-I think you are on to something here.  I know in my case when my ex and I had any contact post breakup, she would try to go through my boundaries by trying intimate talk.  So if you can't or don't want to go NC  you should at least enforce whatever your boundaries are.

[theyMaySayThatImaDreamer]

@GreenMango @Tincup you are exactly right.  I fell for the tactics, I made the mistake of letting her in, thinking it would help, thinking it would be different this time and she turned around and used it all against me.  I guess I don't have boundaries with her, so I suppose I either need total NC or really strong boundaries.

To answer your question, I don't think she has boundaries, and ours definitely do not match.

Thanks again