At a crossroads

[Happy73]

So my uBPDh took something I was trying to say and twist it into me attacking him personally and always judging him and etc, etc, etc... .

So I told him if he didn't change the way he was acting towards me that he needed to find someplace else to stay. 

This turned into... . him taking the house keys away from the kids 11 & 9... . and myself.

He went with his oldest son to and engagement about 2 hours away and I am locked out of the house.

I am to the point where I don't know what to do.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Happy73]

So... . Long story short... .

So, another story of my uBPDh taking my words and twisting them into his emotions and running with it. 

He now is saying I said I was leaving him... . (which is NOT the first time - it's everytime we have a big argument), I am being mean to him, I am "slamming" him and disapprove of him.  He took my housekey and took off for a couple days.  I am staying at my parents house because I can't go home.  And have 3 kids... .

He is now saying it was all my idea to leave him and it's all my fault and etc. etc. etc.

After this I am trying to figure out how to handle things when he comes home.  Any suggestions? 

[Marcie]

He will probably act like nothing happened.

[an0ught]

Hi Happy73,

So... . Long story short... .

So, another story of my uBPDh taking my words and twisting them into his emotions and running with it. 

He now is saying I said I was leaving him... . (which is NOT the first time - it's everytime we have a big argument), I am being mean to him, I am "slamming" him and disapprove of him.  He took my housekey and took off for a couple days.  I am staying at my parents house because I can't go home.  And have 3 kids... .

He is now saying it was all my idea to leave him and it's all my fault and etc. etc. etc.

After this I am trying to figure out how to handle things when he comes home.  Any suggestions? 

this is abusive  . Sounds like at the moment the situation is badly escalating. First things first - take good care of your kids.

Having a break may be the best when you are fighting but the way this goes is not acceptable. Since you got the kids to take care he should leave. Him leaving and locking you out is not ok...

Have you read the material on validation in the lessons? Stop making it worse would be the first step. When he returns hold your tongue and listen to him. Listen actively. It may make no sense what he says but telling him otherwise won't make matters better. Him complaining feeling attacked is often a sign that you may accidentally invalidate him. Not knowing more what was said this is of course guessing.

Most likely he will still be pissed and a bit anxious when he returns. Same true for you. Denying that would be invalidating and spelling it out validating.

Agreeing on rules makes no sense at the moment - that discussion is going to blow up. Try to think through how to protect yourself against that happening again. Read the workshops on boundaries. Find out what your rights are. Prepare emergency resources where you can reach them.

Any news when he returns?

Hang in there 

[HopefulDad]

That action crossed a boundary.  You must set the boundary that such action cannot happen again.  If it does, you have a few options:

- Make a duplicate key and hide it somewhere so you will never be locked out of the house again.

- If that doesn't work (i.e. he finds the key and takes it), you break a window to get into your house.  It is not illegal to break into your own house.  Then you call the locksmith to get the locks changed, new keys, and the window repairman to fix the window.  Yes, it's expensive.  Yes, it's a hassle.  But more importantly, you *enforced* the boundary.