She gave up

[coolioqq]

After 3 weeks of NC on my end, my dBPDexgf finally sent me one longer letter. She tried to call me several times, left a message, sent a few texts. I did not respond. Then she deleted me. After I didn't react to that either, after a couple of hours, she sent me a letter. She took full responsibility in her communication before for what happened, but this time around she said we both share it. I wasn't the one lying to her, but that's a long and personal story... . She didn't have an explanation for her lies except for being afraid that I'd abandon her. I understand that it is a big burden for pwBPD to take responsibility for their actions, so I don't take it personal.

The letter helped me realize (or reaffirm) that she never did love me. She was after something else... . She recognized my being firm in sticking for myself despite all my love for her. She probably thought the flattery would mellow my heart, but that's her problem... . She also said that she has a hard time letting it go because she saw "potential" (I am in love with her, and all she sees is potential... . ) So, she was hoping that I'd have enough of everything to essentially fix her (she called it differently). She also recognized that she has a lot of work to do on herself. I am sure she keeps saying that to everyone... . She said she understood why I was NC and the meaning around it, and realizes that I'll stay that way, but she hated it. Then she closed the letter saying that she loves me... .

Next day she's back on the dating site where we met... . Next day! Talk about grieving the relationship... . What does that tell me? It's not about me. She will do the same, or worse, thing again to someone else, unfortunately. I just hope I never hear back from her again. I finally feel that I can start healing now. As for her, I wish her all the best. She is in a dark place, and I hope she gains enough clarity to let some light into her life. Looking for a rebound a day after is not going to get her there, but she is not my problem anymore.

I learned a whole LOT from this relationship, about myself and about human psychology. I too have work to do, and this will make me better. Grieving is still here, but time will heal the wounds. I shiver at the thought that this was the girl that I intended on marrying eventually. Even though it hurts like hell now, I guess I was lucky.

And NC is golden. If you are NC and want to move on, stick with it.

[coolioqq]

So... . She's back again. It didn't take her long... . The trigger? Finding out that I healed enough to look into moving on. She sees it as way too early, and that makes her angry. And it was followed by the formulaic devaluation + victimization spiel... . I must be one of the rare people on the board that didn't get the idealization phase with my dBPDexgf... . It's probably that counseling made her avoid it while we were dating, but it's kind of backwards -- she got rid of the better thing (idealization.) Yet, she was pretty consistent on subtle devaluation all along. You should have seen the progression since the NC started. First, she was all sweet in her contact, admitting fault. Then it was both of us at fault. Now, it's me who's cruel. What's next?

Plus there was also gas-lighting in her latest contact effort -> she questions my love for her since I am now looking into moving on so quickly. I am not even moving on, but she needs a reason to attack me. Not once she said anything about her (apparently non-existent) love for me. And, of course, she doesn't even mention the fact that she started looking the next day! It's all about me, she did everything right, just "not necessarily on time... . "

Guilt hurts her. I feel pity for her now... . To think that I hoped just a couple of weeks ago that what she did would open her eyes to evaluate why the things turned out the way they did... . I was a sucker! The behavior is so formulaic. I doubt this is the last time I'll hear from her. She'll probably continue the devaluation.

But the thing is she now obviously is trying very hard to paint me black and just can't. I could read between the lines that my unwavering determination to stay NC makes her furious and probably more attached and "in love" (her own version of it, anyways) with me. All sings of emotional damage - the whole "girls like bad boys who don't treat them well." I'm rambling, but in all honesty she lost someone who will never cross her path again. I lost a nightmare... . All of you who are suffering and torn between letting go and getting sucked back in, take the hint - more often than not they don't want to help themselves.

The good news is that I am in a much better place now than I was just a couple of weeks ago. Got off the anti-depressants (side-effects that I experienced are the weirdest things that can happen to a man -- no good... . ) I feel that I am finally starting to heal (physically and emotionally). Her repeated contact (even though she said she'll leave me alone) didn't really affect me as deeply as I thought it would... . Now, it did throw me off the track for a bit, I'm not going to lie. I still love her. Of course, I will stay NC which got me the "cruel" label. I have such a deep desire to tell her a few things about who's cruel, but NC speaks more than thousands of words... . She'd rather have me scream at her than stay NC (her words).

If she only knew the depth of the pain I experienced in the aftermath, but she only thinks of herself... . Endorphin from all the heavy exercising numbed only the physical pain from exercising itself -- did nothing for the emotional pain in my case. Anti-depressants only made things worse. I feel way better after I stopped using them. Supplements that I am taking now are a world better than any of the prescription stuff, at least for me. The point being that if she experienced what I did, she'd react way differently.

Sorry for all the rambling, it probably made little sense, but I just had to throw it all out... . The worst thing is I still love her, and her questioning that hurts. But the good thing is I am finally starting to feel the "I could care less what she thinks" way... .

[Turkish]

Hi coolioqq,

I'm sorry you are hurting since you still love her. That just... . hurts, no other way to describe it. The anti-depressents sure can work a number on you. My uBPDx was recommended them, but refused (this is a woman who won't take tylenol for a headache, or sickness). I saw what my mom went through when she started on prozac a few months before I moved out of her house, and it wasn't pretty. She came to me at one point, gave me the battle, and told me to hide it because it made her feel weird. I don't know about the wisdom of going against doctor's orders, but we are all agents of our own destiny. Trust your gut. Do you think it might be a good idea to discuss this with your T?  

[LuckyNicki]

It still blows me away out everyone's story on this forum is similar to mine.  You should check out my thread when I went nc for a month on my undiagnosed exBPDgf.  It is similar to yours.  She literally hates me.   

[coolioqq]

Hi coolioqq,

I'm sorry you are hurting since you still love her. That just... . hurts, no other way to describe it. The anti-depressents sure can work a number on you. My uBPDx was recommended them, but refused (this is a woman who won't take tylenol for a headache, or sickness). I saw what my mom went through when she started on prozac a few months before I moved out of her house, and it wasn't pretty. She came to me at one point, gave me the battle, and told me to hide it because it made her feel weird. I don't know about the wisdom of going against doctor's orders, but we are all agents of our own destiny. Trust your gut. Do you think it might be a good idea to discuss this with your T?  

Thanks, man. Support means a lot right now. As I said, I've made some good recovery over the past couple of weeks. Family, time, NC and reflections helped a lot. As for anti-depressants, I certainly agree that it's not wise to go against doctor's orders. In my case though, I could clearly see they were doing more harm than good (had some rare, but documented, physical symptoms that were just making it worse). I did some thorough research and replaced them with a bunch of over-the-counter supplements and feel much much better with no side-effects whatsoever... . But, yes, that's everyone's own decision to make what they do... .

As for the T, I am still not seeing one because of lame insurance rules, but I hope to see one soon. I did much thinking and introspective since the breakup and NC, and I plan to share what I learned soon on this board. Someone may find it helpful.

Again, thanks for the kind words! You and all the folks here helped me a lot get through this.   

[coolioqq]

It still blows me away out everyone's story on this forum is similar to mine.  You should check out my thread when I went nc for a month on my undiagnosed exBPDgf.  It is similar to yours.  She literally hates me.   

I did follow your story and I am sorry to hear that all of that happened to you too. Are you still NC? I know you said she hates you, but how do you know that? Is she still getting in touch? Or is it through your friends?

As for mine, she is trying to hate me (calling me cruel and such for sticking with NC), but she is very obviously struggling to find a reason to. It may be just her, but she seems to need a reason to split me black. Since I blew her away with how I handled everything she did to me (she did acknowledge it right after I went NC), she literally has no reason to hate me. I went straight into NC without saying one bad word to her. Boy, did she deserve some serious things said to her face before I went NC. One may think that she is now looking for closure, but from all her contact, I can clearly see that she is desperate for a chance to recycle or, at the very least, looking for a reason to hate me. Closure would mean nothing to her, because they never want others to close anything. We're just jars on their shelves. When they don't need us, they put a lid on. When they do, it's recycle time!

And I surely will not give her the reason to hate me because, for once in her life, she must understand that she blew a real chance to recover and be happy. PwBPD can recover if they want to. There are such cases... . She said something along those lines anyway once I went NC. They are more aware than we think... .

I think that what is hurting her the most right now is the loss of me. There are many reasons for that, the material one probably being the most important to her. And her perception that I am ready to move on so quickly (which I am not - I loved her so much.) pisses her off as she said herself. She now questions my sincerity in loving her (i.e. gas-lighting me + looking for a reason to hate me). Not one word about her looking for replacements so quickly. And not one word that she loves me too. She did say she loves me in her previous communication, but it was so fake and in "by-the-way" fashion that made it look like cheap lip-service to recycle.

I just read what I wrote and can't believe it myself; before I met her, I'd never imagine having such an opinion of another person, let alone someone I love. But, it is not even an opinion. It is the bitter truth that hurts me so much, and I am taking it raw, as it is... . Flashbacks of the night that started it all still haunt me... . I still can't sleep at all on some nights (I feel that tonight will be the same), waking up in full sweat (I am talking as if I came right out of the ocean here.) But, looking back, I would not want it any other way. She admitted many things that night, including being BPD. I feel that it could have gone much worse for me had the relationship continued. Being this deeply in love, she would crush my heart sooner or later, so it's better that she did it sooner.

Sorry for ranting so much. It's still very fresh and raw in my head, and I am taking it one day at a time, but I can honestly say that I am feeling better and better as days go by. I plan to put everything I learned together and do a longer post here as I want to help others here going through the same thing. The number of people with similar issues worries me. The Introduction section on this site has more entries than ER has patient admissions... .

[corraline]

coolioqq

I opted out for antidepressants or anxiety meds myself.  I have been taking some natural supplements myself.  Which ones work for you if you don't mind saying?

It is mind boggling to realize how much and how many  people are struggling in a relationship with or after a BPD relationship.

I so wish i had found this forum a long time ago. I really feel it would have been alot of help. I felt so alone in my craziness and pain. But I'm here now .

[coolioqq]

coolioqq

I opted out for antidepressants or anxiety meds myself.  I have been taking some natural supplements myself.  Which ones work for you if you don't mind saying?

It is mind boggling to realize how much and how many  people are struggling in a relationship with or after a BPD relationship.

I so wish i had found this forum a long time ago. I really feel it would have been alot of help. I felt so alone in my craziness and pain. But I'm here now .

Yep, being here is a therapy in a sense, and I appreciate all of you! :-)

As for the supplements, I am PMing that to you next as I don't want to break any forum rules :-)

[LuckyNicki]

It still blows me away out everyone's story on this forum is similar to mine.  You should check out my thread when I went nc for a month on my undiagnosed exBPDgf.  It is similar to yours.  She literally hates me.  

I did follow your story and I am sorry to hear that all of that happened to you too. Are you still NC? I know you said she hates you, but how do you know that? Is she still getting in touch? Or is it through your friends?

She messaged me after our last meetup with our friends regarding something very neutral.  Then she said "im glad we chatted a little bit and thanks for offering your friendship".

But she also said that we should keep a distance and let things run its course.  She explained that she was disappointed that I just disappeared.  (although I still replied to her responses but I was only trying to avoid having conversations)  

It's very obvious what is going on.  She's trying to avoid discussing the past.  I caught her gaslighting too.  She said "looks like you and I don't agree on the way things went down".  ?  The more I interact with her with my newfound knowledge of BPD, the more I see her exhibit the features.  It's unbelievable.  

She's pissed that I went NC so sudden but I told her that it's because she wanted "space".   Basically, when she asked for space, she'll disappear for the weekend (obvious with an exbf?), then pops up back on a Monday and messages me while she's at work.  How convenient... . I ended up becoming a person that is emotionally supportive when she has time on her hands.

I know that she's avoiding me right now because she is with the exbf.  Instead of burning the bridge, she says we should just keep a distance for now.  She is using this time to see if she can secure her ex bf.  I can totally tell.  But she's keeping our bridge intact in case something goes bad (possible recycle).  I project that if she can seduce him to marry her, she will come out of the closet about it in the near future.  

I've reflected a bit about her now that my fog has been removed and realize that all her actions are truly just her ways of survival and she acted in manners that will help her with her biological clock.  She wants kids/marriage, but remember she has the big C.  So her time is very limited because of the treatment doesn't go well she might have have to do surgery.  In many ways, I kinda understand her actions, i just wish she would be more honest.

But then again, if she was honest to me, I would've walked away from her in pain and never come back to her again.  And she knows this.  Maybe that's why she's so secretive about everything.  

She's still very in touch with these mutual friends on a daily basis but I've been too busy working on my goals right now to think about them.  I'm trying to avoid at this point tho.  I've detached long enough to be able to say I don't want anything to do with her right now.

I have to admit though, I am healed but there are some crazy triggers.  Last night I had a dream that I blew up on her on everything she has done.  THank God it was just a dream because I regretted it in my dream.  

I just want things to pass so that I don't have anymore attachment nor care for what she's done.  It's apparent she's oblivious to other's feelings (lack of empathy).  And is trying to run away from her actions hoping that I don't know whats going on.  

My dynamic is a bit different with her compared to everyone else on this board.  She doesn't know I know.  We've opened up this mind chess game.  I know that she is suspicious that I know but is not 100% sure, but during my convo with her in our last meet, I made it appear as if I don't know about her being with her ex.  Maybe that's why she's even more "mad".

I think God just wants me to walk away and forgive - which is what I'm trying to do.  At the height of our love, she once told me that if she hurts me, she will jump off a bridge.  Maybe that's also why she's trying to run away and sweep as much of this mess under the rug as possible because that might be a way for her to survive.

Kind of nuts huh?  BTW, I've been seeing other women and it's been quite nice.  I'm just trying to prepare myself for when she does try to reach out again.

[coolioqq]

... .

It's very obvious what is going on.  She's trying to avoid discussing the past.  I caught her gaslighting too.  She said "looks like you and I don't agree on the way things went down".  ?  The more I interact with her with my newfound knowledge of BPD, the more I see her exhibit the features.  It's unbelievable.  

She's pissed that I went NC so sudden but I told her that it's because she wanted "space".   Basically, when she asked for space, she'll disappear for the weekend (obvious with an exbf?), then pops up back on a Monday and messages me while she's at work.  How convenient... . I ended up becoming a person that is emotionally supportive when she has time on her hands.

... .

But then again, if she was honest to me, I would've walked away from her in pain and never come back to her again.  And she knows this.  Maybe that's why she's so secretive about everything.  

... .

I just want things to pass so that I don't have anymore attachment nor care for what she's done.  It's apparent she's oblivious to other's feelings (lack of empathy).  And is trying to run away from her actions hoping that I don't know whats going on.  

I think God just wants me to walk away and forgive - which is what I'm trying to do.  At the height of our love, she once told me that if she hurts me, she will jump off a bridge.  Maybe that's also why she's trying to run away and sweep as much of this mess under the rug as possible because that might be a way for her to survive.

As I mentioned, pwBPD have a very difficult (impossible?) time taking responsibility. I probably mentioned the progression of responsibility with my ex. My NC -> Admitted everything is her fault -> took it back and it's shared fault -> Can't believe I'm staying NC, so I am cruel = my fault... .

I think it's noble that because of her C, you are "saving her face" so to speak by not telling her that you know it all. You seem to have handled it all well... . There is really nothing else we could do. I had to stop it or let her drag me into her insanity. Toxic stuff... .