Contact again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

HI,

I am about 6 months or so since she broke up with me, and probably 3 weeks since she last tried to contact me.  But today she sent me an email because she said that a friend of hers has expressed an interest in meeting me and she wanted to know if I wanted her friends number.  She said she has put off sending me this email for selfish reasons.

Can someone please translate this for me?  Just a bit of background, we were together for about 5 years and probably recycled 8-10 times.  This final time she broke up with me and I have been pretty good with NC.

[Tincup]

HI,

I am about 6 months or so since she broke up with me, and probably 3 weeks since she last tried to contact me.  But today she sent me an email because she said that a friend of hers has expressed an interest in meeting me and she wanted to know if I wanted her friends number.  She said she has put off sending me this email for selfish reasons.

Can someone please translate this for me?  Just a bit of background, we were together for about 5 years and probably recycled 8-10 times.  This final time she broke up with me and I have been pretty good with NC.

[LettingGo14]

Can someone please translate this for me?  Just a bit of background, we were together for about 5 years and probably recycled 8-10 times.  This final time she broke up with me and I have been pretty good with NC.

I think you are correct to "pause" before replying.   You, ultimately, are the only person who can decide what to do, but I'll share my own thinking on what I might do.

1.  How does it make me feel? I think it would "scare" me because I was an expert at recycling.  It might also anger me because I've been working very hard to detach.  And, finally, it might scratch my shame because I still feel like I should have "fixed" something about the relationship.

2. What are the risks?  "No contact" has become my way of keeping myself safe, and if I open doors, I know my brain might flood with distorted memories of the good things.   Then my boundaries would be down.  And, my cognitive brain loses control when I become triggered.

3. What is the upside?  Do I need to meet this person?  Is there a risk of me Triangulation my ex?  Of my ex Triangulation me?   

My ex- broke up with me too.  I don't know that the risks would outweigh the reward.

What do you think?

[mapys]

I don't know how you feel, but if I received something like this, then the first reaction for me would be - wow, she wants to pimp me out like a (you know).

But returning to logic - her friend wants to date her former BF? What the heck? Are you serious? What does it tell about that "friend" and your ex ? Who does that?

She postponed e-mail due to selfish reasons? What? And what on earth changed her mind? A loon is a loon, period.

IGNORE, ignore, ignore!

[seeking balance]

Can someone please translate this for me? 

My translation dictionary says:

I want your attention - did I get it this time?

[AwakenedOne]

Yep... . This is very strange, the idea of setting you up with her friend. I was told in detail once by a girl I dated that women never do this. Somehow we were talking about this subject. She said they have a secret girl pact not to do it actually. An ex partner of one of the women becomes off limits and an enemy to to the rest of them etc... .

A loon is a loon, period.

[sirensong65]

I call BS on this.  This is an attempt to see where your head is at.  She wants to see if you will be interested OR not based on still being upset over her.

I guarantee she is salivating by her computer waiting for the response so she can dissect it and decide HOW hooked you still are... .

IGNORE!

[Tincup]

I wish I could get to the point that contact like this didn't bother me, but it does.  It usually happens right when I am turning a corner and starting to do well.  It is almost like she knows where I am mentally.  I think the worst part of this contact is when I wonder if it is me that is mentally ill.  When I question if normal people do these things.  I mean if I am all the terrible things she has called me (a bad parent, only interested in money, don't care about her, don't know how to treat a lady, and on and on), why try to set me up with a friend?  I hate how I analyze this crap (but I am thankful to all of you to help me).

[GuiltHaunted]

Yep... . This is very strange, the idea of setting you up with her friend. I was told in detail once by a girl I dated that women never do this. Somehow we were talking about this subject. She said they have a secret girl pact not to do it actually. An ex partner of one of the women becomes off limits and an enemy to to the rest of them etc... .

HA! When dealing with crazy people, anything is possible. My uBPDexgf, actually replaced my for her sister's exbf!

[GuiltHaunted]

About analyzing it... . Are you interested in a recycle? Are you interested in her friend? Are you interested in resuming contact with your ex?

If the honest answer to all 3 questions is "NO", then you don't need to analyze further, but just ignore?

[JLK1011]

I wish I could get to the point that contact like this didn't bother me, but it does.  It usually happens right when I am turning a corner and starting to do well.  It is almost like she knows where I am mentally.  I think the worst part of this contact is when I wonder if it is me that is mentally ill.  When I question if normal people do these things.  I mean if I am all the terrible things she has called me (a bad parent, only interested in money, don't care about her, don't know how to treat a lady, and on and on), why try to set me up with a friend?  I hate how I analyze this crap (but I am thankful to all of you to help me).

I know what you mean. When mine would berate me, I would ask, then why are you with me? Of course, that would infuriate him further and he would proceed to another line of how I didn't care. Now I just say OK as neutrally as I can so hopefully he will realize he has sucked all the life out of me and goes away. 

[AwakenedOne]

HA! When dealing with crazy people, anything is possible.

Good point... .

[woodsposse]

Bottom line is... . she is trying to get your attention.

whether or not women would or wouldn't set up friends with exes or not, or whether this is crazy as heck or all of that, it is certainly nothing to analyze.

you either want on or off the crazy train.

it is that simple.

if you want off the crazy train then just ignore it. Give it no thought because it doesn't belong in your Dane world.

if you want to get back on the train... . by all means reply and over analyze to your hearts content.

we will all still be here when it falls apart again for ya.

[Tincup]

I am not interested in the friend as there would be far too much to deal with there.  I am also not interested in a recycle.  BUT I can tell from my reaction to the communication that I do still have some attachment (just being honest).  I have not responded to her, and don't plan on doing so.  I personally would never set anyone up with any ex of mine so I think the whole thing is weird.  I am very thankful that I know she will never ever contact me and say lets get back together.  It is beyond her to ever admit she was ever wrong in any capacity.  In past recycle attempts all she had to do was just float something out there and I would bite on it.  This time so far I have not done that.  I am hopeful that this is all over and that all attempts are done.

[woodsposse]

I am not interested in the friend as there would be far too much to deal with there.  I am also not interested in a recycle.  BUT I can tell from my reaction to the communication that I do still have some attachment (just being honest).  I have not responded to her, and don't plan on doing so.  I personally would never set anyone up with any ex of mine so I think the whole thing is weird.  I am very thankful that I know she will never ever contact me and say lets get back together.  It is beyond her to ever admit she was ever wrong in any capacity.  In past recycle attempts all she had to do was just float something out there and I would bite on it.  This time so far I have not done that.  I am hopeful that this is all over and that all attempts are done.

the attachment you feel is normal. But ask yourself... . attachment to what?

the "good times"  you had or the lies, manipulation, deceit, rages etc.

I had often thought that the feeling I had was attachment, bit it was a longing for something I actually never had. The reality of the situation is the chaos that she is... . not the person you thought she was. That person is false.

the sooner that sinks in the detachment becomes real and permanent because you will find you were attached to an illusion.