Please help me understand?

[honeybadger]

I haven't posted in awhile bc things have been going really well - progress from both our sides. Until now.

My UBPD/bf was hospitalized with complications after a routine procedure. Been there 6 days now. He's very OCD & no one liked being in the hospital. I had taken him to the ER the evening he was admitted. I stayed there til 3AM with him, juggled my work schedule all week to be with him, notified his brother who lives in another state far away and friends, communicated with his doctor, did/got everything he asked etc. My mistake, apparently.

He has been growing crabbier and crabbier -not in an understandble way but in a "lashing out" way. Yesterday said his 24 yo son was "useless" and told him not to come visit. Then last nite, after he had snapped at me about 5 times, I snapped back. Yeah, I'm not perfect. Said something like "please don't snap at me." Then I just got quiet and tried to stay calm. I decided to leave. It seemed okay when I left. Blew him a kiss and said "bye honey."

This morning, I was on my way over and he texted me & asked me not to come. He just learned he may have another complication- maybe pneumonia! - and that I had "stressed him out last nite." I felt very sad about being "banished" but after talking to some of my friends, I realized maybe my old codependency was kicking in so told him I'd honor his request. I later checked in, sincerely apologized via text if I overdid the "care" but stated I was just worried and wanted to make sure he knew he was loved (His often rued the fact that his ex-wife did not go to see him when he was in the hospital.).

Then he texts back that he appreciates the apology but that "we have other issues that make it hard for him." I probe. He says "we'll talk about it when I get out."  He makes it sound like we are breaking up. He has a tendency to latch onto one thing I do --like my snapping --and cascade into a litany of double-standards and blaming. Without, of course, seeing the bigger picture--that Im there when he needs me --or that he is not perfect and I also put up with a lot.

I'm trying to not apologize for things I didn't do (my bane) so I texted that some of our issues are hard for me, too. And that I felt confused but won't contact him again until I hear from him. I also texted earlier for him to let me know if I could do anything.

What on Earth is going on? Two friends (one is a psychologist) say he feels like he is losing control and is playing it out on me. I just feel blindsided. I am sick with worry about his health – hospital acquired pneumonia can be deadly. Why is he doing this now?

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[waverider]

Why is he doing this now?

Because he is mentally ill and acting reactively in an illogical way. It is a form of dysregulation due to loss of control, fear and defensive desperation.

[honeybadger]

What can I do? I am terribly stressed and worried, too. This is not your run of the mill situation; this is his health.

I honored his request and said I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me. He texted last nite & confirmed he has pneumonia--which the doctors missed (which is incredulous, given there was fluid in his lungs 2 days ago, he's a very fit guy and he had trouble breathing). Anyway, now it seems he's turned his anger on the doctors. We texted back & forth about that.

Should I contact him this morning and ask how he's doing? I am walking on eggshells. I don't want to stress him out since he is in the hospital and needs to heal. But at the same time, this is so exhausting and draining to me. Thanks.

[waverider]

Anyway, now it seems he's turned his anger on the doctors. We texted back & forth about that.

Should I contact him this morning and ask how he's doing?

Try not to get involved in playing the blame game.

Yes contact him and ask how he is, if he wants anything and would he like you to visit? Then leave it at that. You are right it is his health, not yours, and as you say getting dragged into his anger is affecting yours and not really helping his.

It is hard I know, my partner has been through endless health issues, including currently breast cancer, and the constant drama and blaming just makes everything so much harder than it need be.

[honeybadger]

Thanks, Waverider. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's hard enough. Sending good thoughts.