Reminded how truly disordered he is...

[Take2]

So after I had openly admitted my dysfunctional role last week here and even sent an apologetic email to the ex-BPD-bf - apologizing for continuing to try and reach out to him and beg him to forgive me (for things I didn't do) and come back to me and wish him well with his life - he did reach back out.  Slowly but surely.  Then we had several actual nice days of texts (Friday, Sat, Sun)... .  yesterday he was back at work (after last week off) and quickly started to change back to angry mode.  Back to blaming me for throwing myself at every man that walks by etc etc.  Yet by late afternoon, we actually spoke face to face at work and it was nice.  He has broken up with my replacement although would not say why.  Last night he said he was here for me, he texted his good night of "i love you".

Today... . ?   well, today Mr. Hyde showed back up.  It's been a long while since he was this off the charts angry and disordered.  I have no idea what set him off this time.  Work?  me?  both?  I said good morning to him and it was pretty much downhill from there... .  we stopped talking before lunch and I didn't reach back out to him... .  by 3:30pm he started sending me raging instant messages... .  unclear what exactly set him off as he'd been in meetings for a couple hours and we hadn't spoken.  In any case, he was very angry.  He is usually controlled enough to never appear to disordered on actual company property - usually only out loud when only I can hear it and no one else - but this time he didn't hide it well at all.  I made sure to save all of it.

It got bad enough that I just shut down for the day and left.  He called a little while later, I answered, he threatened me with harrassment, called me names, threatned to destroy my life as I have done his (no, I haven't... . )... .

Why ?  why did he get so triggered today?  On the phone, his last words to me were "burn in hell you f'ing c**t"

This from the man who had last texted last night athe he loves me!

NOTHING happened today.  I was loving and kind this morning.  And the texts after ?  the paranoid delusions that accompany his off the charts rages with threats... .

It's done.  I'm done.  He hasn't truly been kind to me in a long time.  I'm sick (cold, sore throat, etc), tired and destroyed... .   it's so so sad for everyone involved.  I know my own dysfunction kept me reaching out for a long time past when I should have... . but I was loving him and begging him to come back to me... .

It's always mind blowing when there is a reaction like this.  Where I'm left scared that he will do something to get me fired, make up lies, file a false restraining order... .

It blows.  Even if the complete crazy behavior does help with detachment.  

[clover528]

Oh how i can completely relate. You kinda answered yourself. He is disordered. It is so difficult to wrap your mind around but there is no rhyme or reason to their proverbial flip to Mr. Hyde. It just is. A month ago My uBPDexbf told me He loved me asked me to marry him swore he would never love another and on my birthday they ( him and the new gf now wife) show up at my home in the just married vehicle after sending me messges of the play by play of their nuptuals. It hurts. But we can only control ourselves and our reactions. We in and of ourselves are triggers at this point. We are the focus of rage. Their own internal guilt and shame and fears fuel their every move. We cant manage them. We can only protect ourselves. Love ourselves. Learn and grow ourselves. I am here if you want to chat. I do understand. I could and probably have at some point written what you just shared. Stay positive. Consider NC. It really is the only way. 

[Take2]

A month ago that happened ?   WOW... .   that breaks my heart for you... .   I am so sorry you went thru that.  Truly terrible.  I can't thank you enough for responding and relating (although I am truly sorry that you do understand... . )   I am not pretending to myself that I didn't contribute to the dysfunction - I became very very addicted to him, very codependent on him... .   but I swear EVERY single time I have let go of him over the past four years... .   he has come back again before my heart has healed.  So so so many things he has done, truly horrible things, and yet I forgave every one of them... .   that part is on me and I'm struggling with a ton of anger about that but yet I still believe it's always best to be able to forgive and love and move forward.  It's just that I need to protect myself and set some boundaries so that I stop allowing someone to hurt and abuse me so badly.  I agree with you, NC is clearly the only way to make it stop.  It no longer makes sense to me.  I have done a lot of reading with the staying tools - just so that I could try to communicate with him when needed (NC is virtually impossible as we work together so I need at some points to talk to him) - but either I am simply failing miserably at their use or they aren't working.  Maybe a little of both.  who knows.

It's just one thing when he gets angry.  It's a whole other ballgame when he turns into Mr. Hyde.

Anyway - I'm here too if you ever want to chat.  If I had been awake last night I would have responded to that - thank you so much... .