I have been doing ok, overall. I have had a few good days, and maybe more than a few, where I didn't think about her. But today was the hardest day I have had since NC. I was missing her like crazy all day. I have been dating, but no one is really doing it for me at all. Some ok people, but I do not feel a real connection. I did with one woman, but she had some issues, and was not over her ex. So that didn't last long.
Five months isn't that long. Give yourself some credit. I feel for you, brother . And, you are doing good!
I am forgetting all of the bad, and not caring about it, and longing for her presence in my life. I am not happy at all with everything around me. I am have working out, and working on mindfulness. It helps some days, but I still feel like I am filling my time until we go for round 5... . then I go back to the betrayal the loss, and the burn from everything that she did, and said to me while we were together... . quite rage... .
I think it's a good thing to remember positive things. But it's also important to put things into perspective and see the relationship for what it was. You said it yourself, betrayal and loss. I had all of that too, and it's much fresher. It's been only 6 weeks ago... . The crucial thing here is to use the positive times to grieve over and close that chapter of our lives. And use the negative times with her to detach.
I get really mad at myself for ever allowing her to happen to me, and opening myself up for this. I want to shutdown, dissociate for a few years... . come back down when it's safer.
I am at the same point right now. Realizing exactly the same thing. But, you know what, it was a wake-up call. I learned more about myself in the last six weeks than I did my whole life before that! I took responsibility for my own shortcomings. I realized what was hers, I realized what was mine. I realized my own FOO issues, but also accepted that my reactions and choices in life were my own - I can't blame anyone else for those. Finally, I learned to forgive myself, let go and go from there. Before you accept yourself, and start loving yourself in the present, you are not ready to deal with the past, and you can't start building a better future.
There have been good days, but the hurt, is still very raw, and she could bring me to me knees... . I hate that someone has that much of an effect on me... . she has no clue... .
I hope it gets better.
Keep it that way - she does not need to know! Strength is a funny thing - one of those "fake it until you make it" things sometimes. And it will get better. Try to drop your expectations around new people. Give everyone a "blank slate" and a fresh chance.
