Death in the Family

[toomanyeggshells]

My SIL's mother commited suicide last week.  He and my D27 live on the west coast. My SIL has alot of family there but he and my D wanted me to be there for the funeral.  There was no question that I was going to fly out there for a few days to support them. 

Of course, uBPDbf was beside himself with rage that I would "up and leave him".  I didn't ask him to go because my D can't stand him and he wouldn't have gone anyway and my asking him would have made no difference in his reaction to my going.  He just could not understand why I would go out there.  "They're adults, they can deal with, they don't need you there."  "So, people die.  You get over it."  Those are exact quotes from him.  The best one was "What, every time she calls crying, you're going to run to California?"  Well, in this situation, YES!

I was gone for pretty much 4 days total and each time I called him to touch base he would start screaming, name calling and saying horrible things about my family.  I always just said goodbye and hung up.  Never once was there a question from uBPDbf about how my SIL was dealing with this (he's an only child and he and his mother were very close). 

Now that I'm back I can't stand the sight of him.  Last night when I got home, he expected me to sit on the couch and "cuddle" with him.  The thought of it makes me physically ill.  I told him it was over and I'm leaving.  I've said it before but never felt it as strongly as I do now.  I just can't believe, no matter how mentally ill a person is, that there's not one ounce of compassion or empathy inside him. 

This morning on the phone on my way to work, I told him again it was over and I was leaving.  His response "when you stop playing the violin for yourself, call me back".  I can't live with this anymore.  4-1/2 years is far too long and this is the worst. 

[seeking balance]

I am sorry for the loss in your family.   Glad you were able to stick to your boundaries and be there for your D.

His behavior, was pretty much classic abandonment trigger and he was in need of emotional validation - those tools take practice to use and are even harder to do when we are stressed ourselves.

It is important to have a plan when leaving - do you have one?  Are there legal ties you will have to be mindful of or can it be a clean break?

This is a hard time for you right now and we are here for support - the first step is in deciding to be done and making the tactical plan for the split.

Peace,

SB

[toomanyeggshells]

His behavior, was pretty much classic abandonment trigger and he was in need of emotional validation - those tools take practice to use and are even harder to do when we are stressed ourselves.

I've tried validating with him, not this time, but more times than I can even count.  He just continues to scream and rage through whatever I say.  I can never get a word in. 

This time, due to the circumstances, I was just such an emotional wreck, all I wanted was some understanding from him, or even just "have a safe trip".  I would have been happy with that.  Stupid me.  I know better.  I got plenty of support from others, but his behavior this time really has crossed the line. 

[seeking balance]

  I got plenty of support from others, but his behavior this time really has crossed the line. 

Can you go stay with this support so you can get a plan together?

[toomanyeggshells]

Can you go stay with this support so you can get a plan together?

Absolutely.  Thank goodness for that.

[seeking balance]

Can you go stay with this support so you can get a plan together?

Absolutely.  Thank goodness for that.

Fantastic!

There is no need to "react" from an emotional space if you have the luxury of time and support so you can make a reasonable plan. 

Leaving is very hard and takes courage - the emotions will be all over the place - it is important to make decisions from your wisemind now.

We are here for emotional support too.

[toomanyeggshells]

Thank you so much SB  .  Your words are very helpful.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Please get out of that relationship, im sorry but that is emotional abuse on a level, he's so sick. No one should have to put up with that. After 4.5 years, you're going to be so so so so so pleasantly surprised when you create new friendships and relationships and they behave like normal people instead of that, and you have that to look forward to. Ugh just the thought of someone reacting like that to a death... . makes me feel sick.