Dealing with DH w/ uBPD mother

[whippoorwill]

Hello. I need some advice on how to communicate and deal with my DH in regards to his dealing with his uBPD mother and her obsession with our small child. Background info: the uBPD MIL has been obsessed with our child since she was born, and I knew that the MIL's behavior hasn't been right for about 4 years, but I didn't see a solid example of abusive or threatening behavior that would give me something to start investigating or talk about with my DH, up until I tried to talk to her about overstepping boundaries, about a month ago. There was, of course, a shocking response from her. DH and I went to therapy, and after describing what happened and the following barrage of bizarre behavior and threats, the therapist said it was likely BPD and everything that she described fit with MILs issues and history of abuse that we know about.

What has followed in the last couple weeks is that DH has seemed anxious to let his mother visit with our child. This REALLY bothers me because MIL has planted seeds (that's what she does-- complete mind games with people) in our child's mind that I hurt her (our child). This is something that has been extremely subtle, but since I saw Mr. Hyde come out, these little things that have been occurring over the years just fell into place like puzzle pieces. Luckily, our child doesn't seem to comprehend with her grandma has said to her. What she's said is, "I would never hurt you on purpose." But I finally realized the time frame of this was around the time that I had felt very guilty for swatting our child (who must have been about 2 1/2) after a very frustrating day of her testing me and of trying other ways of discipline that wasn't working. And I believe that the MIL has said this frequently, because my child has been repeating it to me nearly every night when I tuck her in bed at night. And the way she says it disturbed me from the start, when I didn't understand what it meant but I just had this feeling that it meant something. It finally dawned on me that it means, "I would never hurt you on purpose... . BUT YOUR MOTHER WOULD." (The last part of the sentence is inferred by the first part.) So, besides the other direct threats the MIL has said to me and to my DH when she was desperate to see our child, this particular seed-planting, sneaky emotional abuse to my child has me extremely worried. And I DO NOT want to let my MIL see my child.

But, despite the threats to both of us, my DH seems anxious to let her see our child. It seems to me that he is under a lot of pressure from his mom, because she calls him all the time, even though I know he doesn't always pick up or call her back. It seems like he's giving in to her because HE wants to have relief from her threats and pressure. This worries me so much. I am sick over it. Is he in a FOG? I know he would never do anything consciously to hurt our child, but it seems like he's willing to throw our child to the wolf, so to speak. 

My anxiety is working in the opposite way. I agreed a while ago that we needed to go to another therapy session together (DH and I) before I wanted to let his mother see our child. So, he called her and set that up when I wasn't around. But I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll every be ready. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack when we're on our way to see her.

The other thing is-- it seems like he thinks letting his mother see our child will help this situation, but I do not think this is so. He's making her happy for a moment-- maybe it will stop her threats for a few days, but I think doing this is going to be like intermittent resistance. Because she was used to seeing our child twice a week, and I told him that no matter what, I am not allowing even weekly visits. So, in my mind, giving in to her now is just going to maker her feel that her calls and threats worked, and she will continue doing it again when she doesn't get to see our child a few days afterwards.

Any thoughts on this? Am I right in my assumptions about how she is likely to respond? How do I get DH to see the way this is going to work out? How do I address his short-term vision in dealing with this?

[whippoorwill]

Another question: how did those of you with BPD mom start to come to terms with the reality of what you're dealing with? It seems like DH just can't see what is happening. I can't control that, but I wonder if there is a way of helping him to see? I just don't know how long I can stay in this relationship with someone who refuses to deal with what is happening when it is not only affecting him, but his small child and wife. I don't want to say that to him, because I feel like he might see that as a threat, which is exactly the kind of emotional blackmail his BPD mom uses. But it's not a threat, it's just reality.

What I see is a pattern of behavior that I wasn't really aware of until recently, because his BPD mom had sort of given up on him (he was no longer the golden child, once he moved out and started having relationships with women). And the part he plays in this is giving her what she wants, which reinforces her methods of emotional blackmail. Now she wants our child-- the new golden child who needs to be saved from us. And here he is, giving in to her emotional blackmail because of the FOG. I just don't know how long I can watch this happening to him and to us.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, whippoorwill,

I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult in your marriage right now. I can certainly understand how important it is to you to protect your daughter. You seem uncomfortable that your MIL seems to be undermining you as a parent, which is understandable. I think it is good that you and your DH are talking about these issues with a therapist.

How do I get DH to see the way this is going to work out? How do I address his short-term vision in dealing with this?

You and your husband definitely seem to be at an impasse when it comes to how to deal with his mother's relationship with your child. People are different and we have different points of view and different ways of coping, and even though things are easier when we can come to understand one another and resolve our differences, sometimes that may not be possible. I am not sure it is up to you to get your DH to see things differently. It is not within your power to change him, and you may not be able to help him see his mother the way you do. What you can do is express your own needs, feelings, and desires. Statements like, "When you hit_, I feel hit_" can be useful, and so can validation tools like Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN).

One thought I'm having is: Does it have to be all-or-nothing? Is there a way the two of you can come to a compromise about how often your child sees her grandmother, and whether they will be together without other adults present? I would be interested to hear what your therapist suggests about how to resolve the issue.

I just don't know how long I can stay in this relationship with someone who refuses to deal with what is happening when it is not only affecting him, but his small child and wife.

I can really understand why this situation is so stressful for you. It is hard to have an ongoing conflict that feels unresolved. I can see why you wouldn't want to keep having this fight forever, and I can understand wanting your spouse to support you and value your feelings. I really do hope you are able to work through things together with your therapist.

You are right that what is happening with your MIL is affecting all of you. I may not need to point out that getting a divorce would probably not change your husband's willingness or ability to see things the way you do. It would not stop him from taking your daughter to his mother's on his time; it would not stop her from saying alienating things about you to your child; it would not stop you worrying about all of it. It would only stop you being married. I understand that in the end it may ultimately end up being the best choice for you (though I sincerely hope not); but it won't make all the problems go away.  :'(

How often do the two of you go to counseling? Do you feel like you are both making an effort to improve your relationship?

[whippoorwill]

Thank you so much for your response, P.F. Change. You are right that separation or divorce is not going to solve the problem of BPD MIL obsessing over our child. I've been over and over and over that scenario. I think I'm having a flight response to the stress of all of this, and specifically, to the fact that I'm having trust issues with my husband. And the reason I'm having trust issues is that, NO, I don't see that he's making any effort to deal with this in any other way except to try to rid himself of his anxiety by giving his BPD mom what she wants. He doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to hear me talk (I find myself actually following him around when I try to talk and he starts moving), he doesn't want to go to therapy. He's pacifying me by going to therapy. He hasn't read much at all about the disorder. He doesn't seem to pick up on the behavior patterns of his mother, or of himself. He is an avoider. I'm actually wondering if he doesn't have an avoidance personality disorder-- not just because of the way he's handling this, but because of his behavior patterns in general.

And what is my reaction-- what can I control? The issue I have is with trust. I'm having a flight response to the stress of feeling that things are out of control and that I can't trust him to make good judgements regarding how he handles his mom's obsession with our child. He hasn't given me any reason to feel like I can trust him. I don't think he wants to look inside himself, and that is the biggest problem I have with how he is responding. So what can I control? I have to work on my own boundaries, I guess. I have to draw the line where I feel I can no longer compromise. I think I've tried to do this, but I don't know if he's listening (I don't trust that he is, I think he only listens to his own anxiety). This will be what we will try to focus on at tonight's therapy session. Thank you for reminding me of the validation tools. I need to use them for myself instead of only focusing on how I think he should use them.