Confusion- do pwBPD mourn like nons

[tango1492]

I've read a lot of posts in which people say their ex uBPD seemed to be able to walk away without much care.

My uBPD ex boyfriend sobbed and grieved with me more than once over our breakup- to the point where I don't think either of us could have been more grief-struck if we were standing by each other's coffins.

Granted, he is a high functioning alcoholic and I'm sure he numbed out a lot more than me most of the time. But there were definitely a few times where he was brought to his knees by grief.

I feel like a lot of folks on here think pwBPD are incapable of truly loving someone. My ex, whether diagnosable technically or not, exhibited a LOT of the personality characteristics of BPD. Yet, I think he loved me. I just think he was incapable of maintaining the intimacy because it was too terrifying for him.

Thoughts?

Has anyone had a similar experience?

[coolioqq]

Those of us who are in NC (even when our SOs continue contact) can't really know what their level of grief is. It probably varies from one person to another depending on replacement availability, who broke it off (obviously, grief potential is higher when nons do), whether the SO has enough "ammunition" in non's pre-breakup behavior to split them black, etc.

From what I've seen by visiting BPD support boards (btw, much much MUCH less traffic than here), they do grieve and see how their actions contributed to what played out. But, from what I've seen, it is usually the case when the non broke it off.

Now, before we read too much into it, maybe they have different support systems from us (I hate using them vs. us, but it is what it is.) Maybe they look for replacements rather than find support on the internet. It's hard to know. Not all people are the same, so I'm fairly sure that there are those who are struck by grief.

In the case of my dBPDexgf, I don't know what to believe. She was very cold and calculated (I am cursed with high EQ, so I could tell - that makes it worse because I swallowed red flags even though I knew what she was trying to do) which sent me to unannounced break-off on my part and "cold turkey" NC. You couldn't tell from her voice (she left voicemails) that she was grieving a lot - she just sounded distracted and wanted to know why I am in NC so that she could protect herself (she said it differently, but that's what it boils down to.)

I take my hat off to pwBPD - they do handle it better than us more often than not. They are humans too, so they certainly have some level of grielf, probably in short and intense bursts, followed by guilt and shame, but their minds work differently enough for them to file it away.

Moral of the story: I need to learn the positive consequences of BPD. There is something positive in everything... .