Hi Brndoutbob,
"So frustrated at Liza's rudeness. So many times today. She doesn't trust Susan again to be a lifeline responder. "It's cold in here," "If you loved me you would make sure that I am warm enough, I get sick you know." She is all worried about the Bellingham trip. She wants the house cleaned up, she wants certain grocery items, "What if I need to go to a doctor, I'm not asking someone else for a ride." Etc., etc. It seems like its a two week trip in her mind. IT'S ONE DAY. Her fear comes out as anger. Her anger makes me hide in closets and crawl under tables. I want to run far far away. I start having thoughts of leaving, thoughts of, 'I can't take care of you anymore.' My nerves are shot, my depression is high, my intake of comfort food is up. "Willful non support," "Absolute endangerment of spirituallity", these are scriptural reasons for separation. What about "continuous, damaging verbal abuse?" The effect of verbal abuse is cumulative. How much accumulates in 30 years?"
sounds like you are hanging in the ropes . Comfort food is good, it can help a little once in a while but it no real sustainable solution. Taking care of yourself is very important and making this a priority in the wake of constant drama is a challenge.
She wants the house cleaned up, she wants certain grocery items, "What if I need to go to a doctor, I'm not asking someone else for a ride." Etc., etc. It seems like its a two week trip in her mind. IT'S ONE DAY. Her fear comes out as anger.
As you noticed she is afraid. We can't fix it. We can of course help to clean the house but that won't fix it either. Possibly we are even blamed for anything that goes wrong during the cleaning.
Here are a few quick hints:
- She needs validation of her fears. Just active listening to them, paraphrasing them, perceiving NOT judging them goes a long while. Yes they are not rationale but fears are powerful and it is best not to tackle them from our vantage point directly. Trying to address them directly with logic would be invalidating and then the fears can get worse. Let her have fears but let her also know you know and know how much (infinitely) she is suffering.
- House cleaning is a coping mechanism. There are worse modes of coping (drugs, violence etc. ) so in some sense consider yourself lucky. Cleaning is somewhat a functional coping mechanism. I know first hand that is can be done in dysfunctional ways and there is lots of drama around it and one would wish there would be a break. Wish may well be too mild - constantly wholeheartedly praying. But the point remains - it is her pressure valve and it may be best not to interfere with it.
- Distance where possible may be right now the easiest coping mechanism until you have learned more. Validate if needed that it is totally unfair that she has to do all the cleaning. I know - it is neither needed nor unfair - but these are her feelings so let's acknowledge them.
Hang in there
a0
