BPD mother and sexual abuse

[rebl.brown]

Though I read through the blogs a lot I've never heard anyone mention BPD mothers and sexual abuse very much.  It's on my mind because I am working through some sexual trauma that occurred in my childhood and of course, it is very hard.  My mother used manipulative ways to assault me, secretly she even used what perhaps would have been normal Doctor's care to assault me.  These times were especially bad during very early childhood when I was completely vulnerable and she completely in control.  Of course she always used shame and did things like publicly showing nude pictures of me and talking about sex inappropriately with me.  I am having a hard time getting past these parts of her abuse towards me.  The memories are so disturbing I'd rather not revisit them but I can't seem to gain control over compulsive behaviors in my life and I think some at least is linked to her abuse.  My sex life has been a source of real sorrow for me, I reacted to my abuse by becoming a sexual anorexic.  One big problem right now is that I just can't go to the doctor for anything.  I can't even gather the energy to have a regular physical or blood work, not even talking about the gyno stuff, I'm past most of that anyway because of my age.  It's not that I'm afraid it's that I just don't care.  The doctor never seems to help me anyway and I don't care about taking care of myself physically.  I associate any type of doctor's care with abuse anyway.  I am not sure why I'm blogging this, I am working on trying to allow some more of the real monstrous memories to surface and I don't know if I can get through it.  All I want to do is binge eat, take benzos and smoke.  I don't want to harm myself this way, I have a wonderful life its these damn memories that make it so hard to relax, to cope.  Anyway, just wondering about you all and your thoughts. 

[Lise]

It sounds like you are working through a very difficult situation, I'm sorry to hear that.

You asked about other people's experiences with sexual abuse committed by BPD mothers, here are mine: I have a suspicion that my mother has abused me sexually, I have some disturbing fragmented memories, but I'm not sure what actually occurred. I have been sexually assaulted by several other persons, so I'm not sure if I mix things up.

Like you, I am very ambivalent, on the one hand I want clarity and to understand what is going on, on the other, I would like it all to remain forgotten.

What I do in fact remember is that as a child I twice told my mother about sexual assault, others had committed against me. She ignored it, blamed me and did nothing to help or protect me, it tends to make one wonder ... .

I hope you find peace with your memories, whatever you choose to do with them.

[BabeRuthless]

I am sorry you are going through this, but at same time glad that you seem to be at beginning of a healing process. It's so hard to let these memories surface, isn't it? I don't binge eat and don't smoke, but I know exactly what you mean about wanting to self-soothe in these ways when feeling upset. Hang in there.

My twin sister -- who has been diagnosed with borderline features -- and I were raised by an undiagnosed borderline grandmother. My sister says our GM sexually abused her. I have never asked my sister exactly what she means by this... . part of me doesn't want to know. It's not common to find discussion or analysis of female/female sexual abuse, and it's oh so hard to think about.

My GM gave us (probably unnecessary) enemas as young children. She was intrusive about our bathroom habits, and we were not allowed to bathe or wash our hair on our own. I remember her pointing out in our kitchen one night, when our father was visiting from Florida, the "buttons" on our 11-year-old chests, visible through sweaters, and wanting to die of shame and embarrassment. I vaguely remember being "groped" in some way, but don't recall more obvious, direct sexual abuse. Overall, my GM was a suffocating, thoroughly dominating presence that frightened and intimidated me. She projected toxic shame and fear onto us, including relating to womanhood and relations with men.

This is a great site with caring people and helpful information... . I hope it will help you.


   

[PleaseValidate]

I am sorry for what you have been through and i also relate. Yes, my BPDMO took naked picts of me until at least age 10, i was subjected to inappropriate sex talk by her and her male siblings and was sexually assaulted in my mom's bed by her bf while she slept on the other side of him w him in between.

What really sticks out for me in your post is acknowledgement you need to see a doctor for basic medical care and have been putting it off. I am exactly where you are right now in that i haven't had a physical in nearly a decade. I've seen docs here and there but I just can't motivate myself to go for a long overdue physical, first mammogram, and a repeat sleep test. Or the dentist for my 3 cavities. Or the optometrist so i just keep buying contacts online knowing an inevitable scolding is coming when I do return.

Doctors have always been such a trigger to me in that i never feel validated by them and I always feel they blame me for any problems I have (eg, blaming my lifelong sleep disorder on my "poor sleep hygiene" or because I'm a very occasional THC user.)

There is no doubt in my mind that this invalidation (and sometimes their outright lying) triggers the exact feelings of being parented by a BPDMO who was also invalidating and a liar. There is no worse feeling to me than being completely in need of someone's support, service, help, care, etc, usually as a last resort in my case, only to leave a health care workers office and/or hospital feeling patronized, belittled and that you just wasted 2-4 hours of your life. Then I feel stupid and guilty for even subjecting myself to it!

Most recently, in 2011 I went to a prestigious Woman's Hospital ER in Boston for breakthrough bleeding as heavy as my period half way through my cycle. The MD did nothing more than basic blood tests, a pregnancy test, then told me this was just my period. This was NOT my period. Old White MD dude refused to do an ultra sound and when i asked about checking my progesterone, estrogen levels, etc. I was told, "the lab won't do those tests after hours." (A blatant lie which I know from working in the field and from my mother working second and third shift as a MLT for 15 years in a general hospital.) I broke down in tears screaming and shaking. I suspect my testosterone was especially high but who knows. On retrospect, I'm surprised they didn't order a psych evaluation as I was pretty belligerent. But he was pretty quick to kick me out the door. The aftercare was to "follow up w PCP" after I told him I didn't have one.

Sorry for my unintended rant. It's a pretty sensitive subject w me. I'm supposed to live in the best city in the country for medical care so why this? I was supposed to have a mother who did not abuse me and validated me at least once in a while. So why that?

So, like you, I've settled on just not caring. I mean, if I'm "damned if i do... . ," then why bother?

But we both gotta do it. As much as it hurts and as much as it sucks, we know we must. When we are ready of course but the sooner the better... .

[rebl.brown]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I've decided not to get medical care anymore unless I am in pain beyond which I can stand.  I don't want to do the physical exams etc.  If I get something untreatable so  be it.  My frustration stems from the patronizing like you said plus I was molested by the damn pediatrician as a child and I just can't get over it.  This is the hardest area for me to deal with involving the BPD mother sexual abuse.  It has taken so much I know I should not let her take anymore but it is so hard feeling motivated to heal.