Letter to Ex: I Never Knew You

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear K,

I know now that this wasn't personal. I am but one on a long list of would-be saviors you've met over the years. We all think we were special, or should be special, to you.

Tell me, can you make out any of our faces anymore? Can you tell me from which of us you picked up your love of Bali? Can you tell me from who you borrowed your love of Buddhism? You seem a carefully constructed facsimile of traits you admire in others is all, like mementos you've collected over the years to remember us all by.

You talked a very good game and you developed a near-ironclad facade, something only we would-be saviors get the honor of seeing behind. Perhaps I give you too much credit, though. A host of former employers and former co-workers saw behind it, too, but they probably didn't have a name for it. They just called you a drama queen or said you were difficult.

I had a name for it. While it wasn't good news, I remember the relief I felt when I realized you suffer from BPD. My therapist did this skillfully, recommending I order the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". She never mentioned BPD.

I had been trying for months to figure out who you are when all I needed to do was pick up a book that describes you perfectly. Who knew I could have dated you by reading a book, never having met you?

Had we stayed together you'd have destroyed all that there was of me. I doubted my every word to you throughout, unsure how it would be taken. I remember how I would cringe when I'd hear you had a bad day, as I would no doubt be the bag you punch it all out on for the rest of the evening. You emasculated me throughout.

Sex with you was like sex with a robot. You were so tightly wound and rigid that even then the guard never came down. If there was ever something I could have done for you, it would have been to help you truly relax just once. That said, the sex sucked mostly because I didn't trust you anymore. That and I was belittled and berated throughout much of our relationship (not exactly an aphrodisiac for non-masochists).

I know you think sex was your secret weapon but it wasn't. That much I could achieve with my hand. It could only have been great if you had been who you were when we first met, that mishmash of traits you've been collecting as relics from others for years. Instead, I found a wounded, selfish woman underneath, literally incapable of intimacy and love.

You have made me paranoid about any hope of future relationships. You have caused me to be increasingly distrustful of women in general.

I resent you for that, even if there isn't any you to resent.

If asked by others to describe you in one word, it would be miserable. I suspect you'd choose the same... .

[numb_buddha]

Dear K,

I know now that this wasn't personal. I am but one on a long list of would-be saviors you've met over the years. We all think we were special, or should be special, to you.

Tell me, can you make out any of our faces anymore? Can you tell me from which of us you picked up your love of Bali? Can you tell me from who you borrowed your love of Buddhism? You seem a carefully constructed facsimile of traits you admire in others is all, like mementos you've collected over the years to remember us all by.

You talked a very good game and you developed a near-ironclad facade, something only we would-be saviors get the honor of seeing behind. Perhaps I give you too much credit, though. A host of former employers and former co-workers saw behind it, too, but they probably didn't have a name for it. They just called you a drama queen or said you were difficult.

I had a name for it. While it wasn't good news, I remember the relief I felt when I realized you suffer from BPD. My therapist did this skillfully, recommending I order the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". She never mentioned BPD.

I had been trying for months to figure out who you are when all I needed to do was pick up a book that describes you perfectly. Who knew I could have dated you by reading a book, never having met you?

Had we stayed together you'd have destroyed all that there was of me. I doubted my every word to you throughout, unsure how it would be taken. I remember how I would cringe when I'd hear you had a bad day, as I would no doubt be the bag you punch it all out on for the rest of the evening. You emasculated me throughout.

Sex with you was like sex with a robot. You were so tightly wound and rigid that even then the guard never came down. If there was ever something I could have done for you, it would have been to help you truly relax just once. That said, the sex sucked mostly because I didn't trust you anymore. That and I was belittled and berated throughout much of our relationship (not exactly an aphrodisiac for non-masochists).

I know you think sex was your secret weapon but it wasn't. That much I could achieve with my hand. It could only have been great if you had been who you were when we first met, that mishmash of traits you've been collecting as relics from others for years. Instead, I found a wounded, selfish woman underneath, literally incapable of intimacy and love.

You have made me paranoid about any hope of future relationships. You have caused me to be increasingly distrustful of women in general.

I resent you for that, even if there isn't any you to resent.

If asked by others to describe you in one word, it would be miserable. I suspect you'd choose the same... .

[Aussie JJ]

That is nice ?

I am up my 4th or 5th draft.  I haven't got an insulting one that direct yet.  Ouch, best line I have from mine so far. 

I have come to accept that the four years we spent together was one of the most important learning experiences of my life.  I will continue to grow from this pain and the only sorrow I carry forward is knowing that to it wont have the same effect on you.  You will never give yourself the opportunity to grow from this relationship, you will never move on from this dysfunctional existence.  You will blame it on me and move onto your next victim and repeat this process never developing and living a full life or one with any meaning to it.  I say this with honesty and sadness knowing that their are no truer words I can write to you. 

My P has recomended I keep all of these and have a burning ceremony on our relationship anniversary.   Said that it is a way abuse victims can say everything they want, confront the person and never have to hand them the letter or continue the abuse cycle. 

[numb_buddha]

That is nice ?

I am up my 4th or 5th draft.  I haven't got an insulting one that direct yet.  Ouch, best line I have from mine so far. 

I have come to accept that the four years we spent together was one of the most important learning experiences of my life.  I will continue to grow from this pain and the only sorrow I carry forward is knowing that to it wont have the same effect on you.  You will never give yourself the opportunity to grow from this relationship, you will never move on from this dysfunctional existence.  You will blame it on me and move onto your next victim and repeat this process never developing and living a full life or one with any meaning to it.  I say this with honesty and sadness knowing that their are no truer words I can write to you. 

My P has recomended I keep all of these and have a burning ceremony on our relationship anniversary.   Said that it is a way abuse victims can say everything they want, confront the person and never have to hand them the letter or continue the abuse cycle. 

I've written all kinds of letters and every time they only capture a facet of my sentiments. Words don't really do what we all went through justice. Today I've enough distance from the relationship that I can say this stuff. She'll never see it. This was for me.

I know this letter sounds as if it dehumanizes my ex, as it does. It boils her down to a disorder. But, honesty is important to me, and I honestly feel I only began to understand K once I realized what was driving it all. BPD. My heart does goes out to her and anyone else with the disorder, but I'm also bitter.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings still. I don't hate her at all. I hate BPD.

[Aussie JJ]

I find with me I can't put it all out clearly in a letter.  I have some that are very fearful, in relation to how BPD will effect our son.  Some that are angry where I'm blaming her for everything. 

I think with letters I can put all the emotion down at that point in time and confront it instead of letting it fester inside my head.  I want to tell her all of these things but know it isn't going to help her in the long run or me either and will probably will hurt our son. 

Ive learnt more about how I feel from the letters and the effect on me that everything that has transpired has had than ill ever be able to give to her. 

The thing that stops me sending or even contemplating sending the letter is that as soon as I do, I am putting my pain onto her as she has done to me.  I am projecting everything that is my issue onto her and putting the blame on someone else where I have to deal with it.  As soon as I do that I am the problem not the solution, I think the situation is bad enough without inflaming it. 

[coolioqq]

My friend, I know it hurts.  

It is wise that you don't plan on sending the letter. Many have sent it without really getting what they hoped. In a way, this is a letter to yourself.

I know exactly where you are coming from when you say that words are not capturing what you truly feel: the hurt, the love, the betrayal, the past and the future... .

We are complex and it is difficult to reduce ourselves to words. What I would do is keep writing and rewriting. When there is nothing more to add or revise, you will find that it is time to let go.

If she suffers from BPD, no letters or words can break the shell and get through to the inner hell. Even if they do, it is but a glass of cold water that will vaporize before it reaches the fire in her.

My dBPDexgf in an avid reader (that in part of her calling). Yet, what I found from her favorite quotes, in all her reading she sought someone to save her (quotes actually said that). The problem is that no one can save her, but herself. Her literary preferences reflect that: she is looking for doctors, and not a cure.

Your letter touched me deeply on many different levels, as I could have written it myself. It will touch a non, but pwBPD will read it between the lines, looking for trigger-words. It is a defense mechanism that keeps them from facing their inner demons. It is my humble opinion that whatever we write, it will only feed their hellish fire that, unfortunately, devours them alive.

She did send me a goodbye-letter without a goodbye in the end. She has no capacity to feel for another human being. Her survival is the greatest cause... . That is the biggest punishment she never deserved. I say never, because when all this set in her (and their) mind(s) started when they were merely 3-4 years old. Every time I think of her now, in moments of anger and cry, I imagine that little child in her that drags her back and keeps her stuck. My anger goes away then. I have no heart to be mad at a child.

I read a book since I broke it off. A book on an entirely different, and infinitely more noble topic, that changed the way I think of everything. It changed my hatred, caused of hurt, back to love. And, like in any true love, I did what I had to: I let go.

When you are ready, that book will find you. As it found me.

Until then, write. Why not? But smile and be happy. Life is a gift and it is disrespectful to the Giver to waste it.

[Waifed]

Dear K,

I know now that this wasn't personal. I am but one on a long list of would-be saviors you've met over the years. We all think we were special, or should be special, to you.

Tell me, can you make out any of our faces anymore? Can you tell me from which of us you picked up your love of Bali? Can you tell me from who you borrowed your love of Buddhism? You seem a carefully constructed facsimile of traits you admire in others is all, like mementos you've collected over the years to remember us all by.

You talked a very good game and you developed a near-ironclad facade, something only we would-be saviors get the honor of seeing behind. Perhaps I give you too much credit, though. A host of former employers and former co-workers saw behind it, too, but they probably didn't have a name for it. They just called you a drama queen or said you were difficult.

I had a name for it. While it wasn't good news, I remember the relief I felt when I realized you suffer from BPD. My therapist did this skillfully, recommending I order the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". She never mentioned BPD.

I had been trying for months to figure out who you are when all I needed to do was pick up a book that describes you perfectly. Who knew I could have dated you by reading a book, never having met you?

Had we stayed together you'd have destroyed all that there was of me. I doubted my every word to you throughout, unsure how it would be taken. I remember how I would cringe when I'd hear you had a bad day, as I would no doubt be the bag you punch it all out on for the rest of the evening. You emasculated me throughout.

Sex with you was like sex with a robot. You were so tightly wound and rigid that even then the guard never came down. If there was ever something I could have done for you, it would have been to help you truly relax just once. That said, the sex sucked mostly because I didn't trust you anymore. That and I was belittled and berated throughout much of our relationship (not exactly an aphrodisiac for non-masochists).

I know you think sex was your secret weapon but it wasn't. That much I could achieve with my hand. It could only have been great if you had been who you were when we first met, that mishmash of traits you've been collecting as relics from others for years. Instead, I found a wounded, selfish woman underneath, literally incapable of intimacy and love.

You have made me paranoid about any hope of future relationships. You have caused me to be increasingly distrustful of women in general.

I resent you for that, even if there isn't any you to resent.

If asked by others to describe you in one word, it would be miserable. I suspect you'd choose the same... .

Be careful.  It doesn't take much for many pwBPD to contact the Law.  I never thought mine would and it was because I told her she MIGHT be BPD. 

[HappyNihilist]

Writing letters like this can be a great way to process and really get down to the big issues. Especially if we don't intend to send them, because then we can be truly honest with ourselves without fear of what the other person might read into it.

You can burn them, delete them, or keep them for your own purposes (reminding yourself, re-framing, etc.). Whatever you feel is going to be most helpful to you.

You've said some really important things to yourself in your letter. 

If there was ever something I could have done for you, it would have been to help you truly relax just once.

This really struck a chord with me. I wanted so much for my exbf, but this is what so much of it boils down to. I just wanted to help him relax. Find some peace with himself. I knew I couldn't do it FOR him, but I thought I could help him get himself there. Oh, how misguided I was. 

Thank you for sharing this.