We had "state of the union" discussion on our marriage over the weekend. It was tense and simmering, I got called a few names and BPDw did some mimicking but no really ugly screaming or violence. I flet quite please that I used a lot of the usual tools to keep things on an even keel and detached myself from a lot of the insults that came my way. Intimacy has been an issue for a couple of months and is getting worse (for my part sick of being shouted at, mimicked, talked over, arguing over children - for some reason just doesn't turn me on). Among other things BPDw said she wanted a time limit on our marriage (as yet unspecified) and threatened to go and have an affair if I wasn't going to be a proper husband and tell her I love her , give her flowers and so on. At the end of the discussion, I told her I was clear on what she had said and fully understood the utlimatum and would think about what she had said.
right, give me flowers otherwise and btw. give me a license to cheat and abandon you. Pure desperation attempts to control you.
Anyway afterwards I spoke to her for a few minutes about how I wasn't perfect but generally had been a very good and loving husband through some very difficult times over many years. I felt quite calm and confident as I said this - it was more of a truth statement as in "you may want to take my perspective on board" rather than a continuation on the previous discussion.
Among other things I made a point of re-assuring her that I had been faithfull and hadn't strayed. Anyway it's not the first time I've said said something along these lines & I can't help noticing the re-assurance on the faithfullness is never reciprocated by BPDw
It is worth telling once but be careful not to invalidate her. What you are doing here is close to JADE and invalidating her fear that you are cheating and abandoning her.
Right now you can only validate her and work on re-establishing respect in the relationship behavior with boundaries. It is a difficult situation but then she is talking... .
