Relentless Criticism - is this a BPD trait?

[Blue Tide]

Having fairly recently realised that my husband is probably BPD I have been reading many of the boards on this site and trying to practice the recommended tools - validation and SET etc., however… I'm finding it so hard, largely because I'm getting stuck in defensive mode because he can be so aggressively critical so much of the time. Often if I disagree with anything I get accused of getting angry when actually at most I probably just got a little irritated or annoyed. Is this projection? We then get stuck in an argument that seems to go on and on, where I try to defend myself and make him see that in fact he is the one that is getting angry (and sometimes abusive) which he is absolutely unable to see and it usually ends in him completely losing it. It seems an exhausting cycle, just when I think we are back in a good phase, unless I watch myself like a hawk and stay completely pleasant, happy, calm and relaxed all the time (surely humanly impossible) I suddenly find we are back into another argument and the whole thing starts again. It feels relentless.

I saw a therapist recently who tried to convince me that I had a right to be angry in my own home and that I should exorcise that right and, classically 'stop walking on egg shells' (she actually used that term). I stopped seeing her as despite the fact that she said she had experience of BPD it was quite clear that she had no idea of the reality of living with someone with this condition.

Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid getting defensive and what to say to someone who constantly accuses you of being the one who is getting angry? I'm not sure what the Validation would be when they are not admitting to feeling anything.

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[MissyM]

Have you watched Fruzzetti's video?  I think acknowledging that I am irritated but I am not angry, is a way to validate.  I can see why you think I am angry but I am merely irritated about xyz.  Then when he tries to push you about being angry, you just have to validate that he feels that way.  Yet, at the same time, you are not angry.  I tell my dBPDh that he doesn't get to decide how I feel.  Not sure that would work with someone not in therapy.

[an0ught]

Hi Blue Tide,

good point just I would not call "Relentless Criticism" a trait but that sort of behavior is indeed common. It is a typical dysfunctional coping mechanism in that it provides short term relief (seeking problem elsewhere) from inner problems and it makes these inner problems worse as the whole focus on finding fault gets strengthened and runs even more amok inside their heads. It is dysfunctional in that it is self sustaining, self destructive and causing problems for others.

Such behavior is exhausting. The key to turn this around is that this is not about winning arguments. In fact arguments again will just feed the emotional excitement that is letting the judgmental thinking

running out of control. The judgments in turn invalidate you and you are reacting somewhat emotional (everyone would) which again increases the emotional temperature in the room.

Chill. The key is to get the temperature down.

I'm not sure what the Validation would be when they are not admitting to feeling anything.

Validation often helps emotionally overexcited people precisely as they are confused about what they feel. PwBPD are like you after a loud rock concert - they don't hear their own <emotional> voice well anymore. It is baby step learning at the beginning. Check out the video here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0 . It takes an hour and is worth the time. I've watched it several times over the past years as I feel one can get some deeper understanding each time.

Often if I disagree with anything I get accused of getting angry when actually at most I probably just got a little irritated or annoyed. Is this projection?

Quite likely it is more related to inability to read emotions in combination with high sensitivity.

Missy has giving also an excellent pointer about the language to use.

I think acknowledging that I am irritated but I am not angry, is a way to validate.  I can see why you think I am angry but I am merely irritated about xyz.  Then when he tries to push you about being angry, you just have to validate that he feels that way.

We have to develop an emotional vocabulary - a lot is generic but some is specific to your relationship - to express emotions on both sides.

Validation in the argument about nonsense case requires us to catch ourselves (hard, really hard at the beginning) and take a different course. Instead of focusing on defending against e.g. the dishes seen as still dirty we focus on the other person being irritated, angry, disappointed or worried about the dishes being dirty. Often the dirt was not the problem in the first place and the other person feels understood. And if the dirt was really a problem again the other person knows we know their strong feelings about it and can tone down. In a calmer environment communication works better and actual problems if they exist can be solved.

Some attacks on us are however just not mere irritations but simply abusive attacks. Then one needs to take a break and use boundaries. Not engaging and preferably leaving the upset person to allow time to calm down.

This is all that is needed. Not much really... .

It seems an exhausting cycle, just when I think we are back in a good phase, unless I watch myself like a hawk and stay completely pleasant, happy, calm and relaxed all the time (surely humanly impossible) I suddenly find we are back into another argument and the whole thing starts again. It feels relentless.

There is no good phase. It is just the black phase with a different color. One of the saddest things I'm seeing here are partners hoping to get back to white, getting their way for some time by acquiring some basic skills. Then dropping of the board and coming back when one of the next black phases finally blows up the relationship. We need to move away from black or white to a state where both sides are able to contribute to maintaining the balance. Life throws enough disturbances at us so always living in extremes is not good. Good times are good times and we should enjoy them but they are also good times to continue working on validation and boundaries.

Validation and  boundaries are simple concepts. Making these changes in the practice however will not be easy at all. It will take months of continuous working on understanding your own behavior better and then developing the ability to change it at times of intense pressure. It is important to keep steady working on this so please stay in contact with the T and keep posting. Writing (vs. talking to a non T friend) can also help a lot to straighten your thoughts. Sharing your situation and seeing others having similar problems is important to maintain motivation to keep working.

[yeeter]

Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid getting defensive and what to say to someone who constantly accuses you of being the one who is getting angry?

Some great questions here Blue, and no doubt you will have to find your own way on exactly what works with your wife.  A couple thoughts (for consideration, not knowing your full situation).

First - detach a bit about what your wife may or may not think of you.  So when the accusations start flying, just let them fly and land where ever.  Dont JADE, dont hang around for continued verbal assault.  She is going to have to own her own emotions.

It means in some ways 'not caring' as much - but thats not really accurate.  More accurate is that you have a better understanding and by not getting sucked in you are giving her more what she 'needs' than what she 'wants' in that particular moment.

My wife has relentless criticism as part of her personality as well.  It made her a great QC engineer, but absolutely exhausting to be around, especially for the kids (nothing is ever 'good enough', even if its 'great' there will be some minor thing pointed out as lacking).

For me, it has helped to just recognize that this is part of her personality and not take anything she says as an accurate reflection on my personal self image.

Unfortunately it also means on many things I simply quit asking her inputs/feedback or what she thinks.  Thats been hard because I like to share accomplishments, but its much better if I dont simply because the sharing doesnt result in the type of feedback I was seeking.  Instead I have had to learn to be comfortable in my own sense of accomplishment/satisfaction.  This no doubt gets into some of the codependency where we do things looking for a particular feedback (whether reasonable or not doesnt matter), and then we get upset when we dont get what we wanted.

Go find it in other ways, and it wont matter so much when she starts shooting criticisms at you.  If she is accusing you of being angry at something - so what.  Even if true so what?  If not true, what does it matter if she falsely accuses you?  (it feels bad at first, but after a while you will learn to let the false allegations roll off the back).

[Blue Tide]

Thank you all so much for such valuable advice and support.

Missy M - really useful advice re. language thank you. I've been trying to put more Validation into practice over the last few days.

I have another question regarding the whole validation thing, and AnOught I agree that sometimes these outburst can just spill over into simply being abusive attacks - at which point it's just time to try and call it day (often easier said than done in my situation - I'm trying to get better at recognising this earlier and enforcing this boundary), but it seems to me that they (both my husband and daughter) often seem to get stuck on having to get me admit to being the cause of the argument. Is it ok in that situation, if you feel there is no other resolution, to simply say, 'ok yes I was getting angry, I'm sorry' (even though you weren't) just to stop things getting worse or move on... . or in your experience in the long run is that just going to be more damaging and make things worse? It feels to me to be completely counter intuitive thing to do and that it is playing into their tendancy to control, but at the time they just don't seem to be able to leave it and it sometimes seems easier to be the bigger person and say, 'ok yes it was my fault' but I can't help feeling that this is probably the wrong solution. I just wondered what your take on it would be.

I'm sure I should follow my instincts here, it feels much healthier but I think I just sometimes want another option than the walk away and face the rage/silent treatment when it has got past the point where Validation is going to help. Maybe that's not possible?

Sometimes I have to say that actually the silent treatment actually becomes a relief - Yeeter I understand when you say that you have to condition yourself to being hurt by the behaviour and not believe it, slowly I am become more immune to it and am able to rise above it and just go on with living life. It is sad, though luckily I have a strong life outside the immediate family with work and friends so I can get some relief... . I think it's kept me together to some extent. 

AnOught thanks so much for your advice, it was very intiative of you to realise that was where I was at - I've been really very down over the last few weeks, I think for some reason the realisation has hit me hard recently that actually this is never going to get better and that this is the reality of my life. I think acceptance of that is part of what I need to do. So I think you are very wise to suggest that I need to accept that I have to start changing my behaviour all the time not just reacting to when it gets bad. When things are 'better' I relax and probably start to not watch my own behaviour very well and suddenly boom - out of nowhere, small explosions at first and then it often leads to a huge one and breakdown of the whole relationship.

I need to get better at boundaries, I find this most difficult with my daughter because she is still so small (only 9 but already displaying typical BPD behaviour) and my natural instinct as her mother is to comfort and make things ok for her emotionally. I've been seeing the validation help a huge amount when I get it right. So tricky though, even she seems to spot when I am doing it if it's not completely natural… I guess kids are so intuitive. Funnily enough my husband deals with her a lot better in someways.

Thank you all again for all your advice, I am going to try to stay in touch with the site going forward as you suggest and keep posting, you are so right that writing helps to clarify and understand my situation and reading all the advice here is so helpful.

[Chosen]

Hi Blue Tide 

I don't know if relentless criticism is a BPD trait but many pwBPDs are definitely really critical of others- my uBPDh is no exception.

I think they sometimes do it to protect themselves- if you are a bad person then what right have you got to complain about them?  Also it's kind of like children who like to divert attention away from themselves when they were wrong ("Bobby, what did you do?  Did you play on the computer when you're supposed to do homework?" "But mum!  Lily isn't doing her homework either!  She's so lazy and she says horrible things at me... . "  Many pwBPDs are deep down ashamed of themselves, or at least lack self-confident, and criticising other people is their way (albeit wrong) to boost themselves.

As to how to prevent them from getting you down, here's some of the things I do:

-   Remind yourself always that they have a mental issue, that what they say is their point of view, very often exaggerated and not a fact.  Actually, many times they say certain things with a conscious/ unconscious aim to control you.  E.g. they criticize you to get you away from the current topic, to make you feel bad about yourself… do not fall into this trap.  Also remind yourself that hurtful words show you something about the accusing person, not the accused.

-   Don’t expect them to praise you/ validate you.  Seek that validation elsewhere (from friends, your wider social circle).  Know that people see you differently, and that you can’t always please everybody.

-   Consider it a lesson to learn.  Try to look behind their hurtful words for some truth, and if needed, improve yourself on it.  E.g. he may diss you as “always being so rude”, even if you are gentle most of the time.  However, this also means that sometimes you may be rude, and you can learn something without absorbing his emotions.

-   Don’t try to “just let it go” because you ultimately can’t in the long run and resentment builds up.  When you’re unhappy about things he said, acknowledge it to yourself (not discuss it with him; no use) but don’t overthink it.  Acknowledge that bad/ strong words were said and you’re hurt.  Then also make a conscious effort to “be the bigger person” and forgive them for saying certain things because they are mentally ill.  You can acknowledge it in your heart that they have been wrong, but you don’t have to bring it up to them (because you know they’re not in the state to understand it now).

-   Lastly, establish boundaries to protect yourself.  You can’t allow yourself to always be attacked; it really takes a toll on you and you won’t be able to handle the relationship.  For things you really can’t tolerate (e.g. for me, it was abusive language, name-calling and shaming), establish boundaries so you can walk away from that sort of words.  You will need to firmly establish your boundaries to let him know such things aren’t tolerated.

Hope this helps!

[waverider]

Sometimes when they accuse you of getting angry they are right, even if you are not openly expressing it, they can sense it, and to a point are expecting it, even provoking it.

You may be blinded to it simply because it pales in comparison to theirs. This does not mean you are wrong to feel anger, but to control it and not let it bother you being accused of it you first have to recognize it.

If you can learn not to be triggered by this "unfair" finger pointing you will break the reactionary chain that is the path to everything getting worse.

Dont try to justify your anger to them you have as much right to your emotions as anyone else, and it will only sidetrack the issue.