Lost

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m recently broken up with my BPD on/off “girlfriend” of 10 months. She was in pretty heavy therapy and never told me she had BPD, but my therapist assured me 99% that she is after hearing of our roller coaster. We met on a vacation and I fell for her pretty hard and fast. She came to visit about a month later and we obviously connected but hadn’t had sex yet. I went to visit her and then we made plans to go travel together. I bought us some tickets to go to some pretty exotic places-and then it started to happen. Yes, no. Excited, canceling, telling me she’d really wanted to go but had been on a few other dates, etc…

Anyway, after canceling one of the trips and not getting my money back(I’ll admit here my own foolishness and am learning a lot about my own issues in therapy as to why I was attracted to her and went further out of my way and tried harder than I ever have in my life or any relationship)we went to one of the most beautiful places in the world, fell in love, all that good stuff. The red flags were there from the beginning. She even warned me before we left that she could be very mean. I had no idea. She’s extremely intelligent and that was very attractive to me, but her verbal dexterity had me so confused during fights that I was lost as I never had been before-completely confounded. But the makeups were amazing, brought us closer together each time. It went so well that she said she wanted to come with me to meet my family as I was going right after our trip. We stopped for a wedding of my friend on the way and had our first big breakup fight. She was out of control, accusing me of having a thing for the bride who was like a sister to me-it drove me crazy. She actually put her hands around my throat back at the hotel when I told her I was not going to give her all of our pics from our trip(some were innocently naked of both of us as we were skinny dipping.) I calmly put my hands behind my back and asked her to stop. I told her I’m done and I’m just going to erase everything, as I was doing this I said “I can’t believe I thought of spending my life with you.” She completely changed in that moment. I was overwhelmed by her apologies and admissions of her love for me and that she wanted to marry me and have my kids, etc…

We went to meet my family and we became closer and closer. When we got back home, we became extremely close, revealing some dark abuse from our pasts. I asked her to be in a committed relationship. She was unsure but then said yes absolutely. A week goes by, her therapist hears about the trip and thinks I’m amazing and asks me to come in. She asks what I think and I say let’s do it! Then she goes to Burning Man. The day she left is the last day I felt really connected to her. She told me she love me and called me 6 times that day like she wanted to be in touch as much as possible before no contact. When she returned she told me about an orgasmic experience that she had with a girlfriend of hers at an orgasm clinic.(I now realize it was probably a lot more than just that) I reacted nervously but in no way harshly or judgmental, although she took my nervousness and questions as a slight. This was the beginning of the end. Within a week she told me that all the love she had for me had evaporated and when I reminded her that she really hurt me by saying that a week later, she denied having said it. For the next 8 months the roller coaster began. I miss you want to see you, disappearing, starting fights, criticizing me, verbally abusing and belittling me. I was not only so hurt but shocked that I would even put up with this kind of abuse as I had never let anybody talk to me the way she did. She eventually came to visit twice in the next 2 months. Fights, make ups, amazing sex that got us closer and closer. She left on a high note but then picked another fight over the phone again. Eventually I asked what I had suspected for a long time-had she been sleeping with anyone else. Yes. I was done. She asked if we could try again, I foolishly said yes. A week goes by and she tells me that she can’t be in any relationship with anyone. Devastated me as it took so much for me to forgive her. I walked away. She calls me a week later asking me to please try again because she’s learned a lot in therapy and invites me to meet her family for the holidays. I see this as a major breakthrough so I agree. Another week goes by and the same thing-can’t be in a relationship with anyone, telling me she loves me(which I hadn’t heard since before Burning Man)as she’s ending it and to give her time because she’s thinking of us “long term.” I let her go. Again. But somehow I feel it’s not over. And it’s not. We meet up a few weeks later in a neutral city and begin again. Start making plans to do the trip we had planned the previous summer. She comes to visit for a month(not planned that long but ended up being a month)I take her for a surprise Bday trip to NYC and lavish her with gifts as I always did and outings, etc.(I pay for nearly everything as she hasn’t worked the entire time we were together-she was taking a sabbatical after a bad breakup)We fight a lot but eventually smooth out and we’re in love again-at least I am and I tell her so. We experience an entire new level of sexual intimacy that it now devastating to think about, touched on more past traumas that were very revealing as to why she was the she was, but then the end came. It started out ok, we talked about when she would leave we agreed in a week so that I could finish my work and have the weekend together. 30 minutes late she sends me an email from inside my house saying she want to leave sooner. I’m upset by this as we just agreed and this starts a fight. She starts saying “Just say you don’t ever want to see me again!” OVER AND OVER. I’m at a complete loss for words as I can’t understand what part of me wanting her to stay makes her think that? Eventually I tell her that there’s an opportunity for both of us to compromise and she stomps her foot and says, “I won’t budge!” I’m so hurt by this that I tell her that I don’t think that I can be in a relationship with someone that says that when there’s a chance to compromise. She says fine. Cold as ice. Minutes after crying and screaming that she thought I was better than this. I have to leave the house to cool down, not really thinking this is over and that she would just want it to end-I didn’t I was just so upset and failing miserably at trying to reach her. I come back an hour later and she’s gone. Just like that. I frantically call and text her, she says shes fine and she’ll call me when she gets home. A week goes by. An email comes saying she thinks we should find people that give us what we need. We talk on the phone and it’s like talking to a stranger. I apologize for everything and she just says thanks. That’s it. Unbelievable. I’m in shock.

Get ready, here’s the kicker. During each of our times together going all the way back to our first trip together when we started having sex, she would have horrible itchiness in her vagina. We would go to the doctor and here that it was “Honeymoonsystitis” common when having a lot of sex. We got tested after our first trip and she told me she was negative for everything but never sent me her results as I did send mine to her. This continued on each of our times together because we had so much sex. This last time was really bad so she went to the doc again and got all kinds of tests. Immediately after the breakup I realized she never told me her test results so I asked her minutes after the breakup. She said they were all negative. I asked to see all of them and thats when things went haywire. She became very evasive about one thing in particular, herpes. She said that she didn’t get tested this time because it was uncommon. I was floored. I asked her to get tested repeatedly and after a fight she agreed and I’d do the same. Guess what? She said was negative. She started sending me screen shots of emails from her doctor saying she was negative. I asked very delicately to see the actual lab results and she went crazy accusing me of controlling her and that she didn’t even care to see my results as it’s none of each others business anymore-right after apologizing and saying “I’m sorry for fighting I know this concerns both of our health so of course I care.” I got mine back and I came out positive. Devastating. I let her know this and she sends an email saying she’s incredibly saddened to hear this and give her time to think about how to approach our relationship-and please send her my results-unbelievable. I wait a few days, write her a long letter about how hurt, confused, broken hearted I am, assigning no blame at all as I’m aware and been informed by the docs that it’s futile to try to figure out where it came from as it could have been either of us. I send her my results and asked her to send her actual results, also my hard drive that had our entire vacations videos and pics on them-please erase and return, and I sent her the jewelry that I bought that she left here on purpose-the very first thing I bought her. A month goes by. Nothing. I’m blocked on every form of social media, email, etc… Today I get a package. It’s the package I sent her. It’s been opened but there’s nothing new in it. No test results, no hard drive, etc…

I’ve been in deep deep therapy this past month trying to get my head around this. Had a couple of complete meltdowns and struggle everyday with this. My question? What. The. ___? What was the purpose of sending me back exactly what I sent? Why not send my hard drive back erased? Why only send back the jewelry that I just sent and not all the rest of the jewelry/gifts that i had given her over the year as well? What does this mean? My friends/therapist think it’s manipulation, to evoke some sort of response from me asking where’s the rest? Is this it? Am I demonized now, split black forever, never to hear from her again? What was the point in sending this at all. Why not just throw it away? Why wait a month to do it? React? Don’t react? Wait awhile? Here’s the craziest part. I still love her.

So lost.

Update: email from her today:

Hi,

I sent back your package, so you should be receiving it soon if you have not already.

I got tested again, and came back negative once more. I just got the letter in the mail. Pic attached.

I'm really sad that that happened and hope you are doing well. Thank you again for being honest with me.

There is nothing else to talk about, so let's part ways.

Thanks again for everything and good luck with everything ahead.

Warmly... .

I'm totally lost. I feel like I have no idea about what's the truth or not anymore. Docs have told me not to go down the road of who gave what to whom, you'll never know and it could have been you and it doesn't matter in the end. That's not what even upsets anymore to be honest. I just can't seem to get over this.

[ConfusedAgain]

I’m recently broken up with my BPD on/off “girlfriend” of 10 months. She was in pretty heavy therapy and never told me she had BPD, but my therapist assured me 99% that she is after hearing of our roller coaster. We met on a vacation and I fell for her pretty hard and fast. She came to visit about a month later and we obviously connected but hadn’t had sex yet. I went to visit her and then we made plans to go travel together. I bought us some tickets to go to some pretty exotic places-and then it started to happen. Yes, no. Excited, canceling, telling me she’d really wanted to go but had been on a few other dates, etc…

Anyway, after canceling one of the trips and not getting my money back(I’ll admit here my own foolishness and am learning a lot about my own issues in therapy as to why I was attracted to her and went further out of my way and tried harder than I ever have in my life or any relationship)we went to one of the most beautiful places in the world, fell in love, all that good stuff. The red flags were there from the beginning. She even warned me before we left that she could be very mean. I had no idea. She’s extremely intelligent and that was very attractive to me, but her verbal dexterity had me so confused during fights that I was lost as I never had been before-completely confounded. But the makeups were amazing, brought us closer together each time. It went so well that she said she wanted to come with me to meet my family as I was going right after our trip. We stopped for a wedding of my friend on the way and had our first big breakup fight. She was out of control, accusing me of having a thing for the bride who was like a sister to me-it drove me crazy. She actually put her hands around my throat back at the hotel when I told her I was not going to give her all of our pics from our trip(some were innocently naked of both of us as we were skinny dipping.) I calmly put my hands behind my back and asked her to stop. I told her I’m done and I’m just going to erase everything, as I was doing this I said “I can’t believe I thought of spending my life with you.” She completely changed in that moment. I was overwhelmed by her apologies and admissions of her love for me and that she wanted to marry me and have my kids, etc…

We went to meet my family and we became closer and closer. When we got back home, we became extremely close, revealing some dark abuse from our pasts. I asked her to be in a committed relationship. She was unsure but then said yes absolutely. A week goes by, her therapist hears about the trip and thinks I’m amazing and asks me to come in. She asks what I think and I say let’s do it! Then she goes to Burning Man. The day she left is the last day I felt really connected to her. She told me she love me and called me 6 times that day like she wanted to be in touch as much as possible before no contact. When she returned she told me about an orgasmic experience that she had with a girlfriend of hers at an orgasm clinic.(I now realize it was probably a lot more than just that) I reacted nervously but in no way harshly or judgmental, although she took my nervousness and questions as a slight. This was the beginning of the end. Within a week she told me that all the love she had for me had evaporated and when I reminded her that she really hurt me by saying that a week later, she denied having said it. For the next 8 months the roller coaster began. I miss you want to see you, disappearing, starting fights, criticizing me, verbally abusing and belittling me. I was not only so hurt but shocked that I would even put up with this kind of abuse as I had never let anybody talk to me the way she did. She eventually came to visit twice in the next 2 months. Fights, make ups, amazing sex that got us closer and closer. She left on a high note but then picked another fight over the phone again. Eventually I asked what I had suspected for a long time-had she been sleeping with anyone else. Yes. I was done. She asked if we could try again, I foolishly said yes. A week goes by and she tells me that she can’t be in any relationship with anyone. Devastated me as it took so much for me to forgive her. I walked away. She calls me a week later asking me to please try again because she’s learned a lot in therapy and invites me to meet her family for the holidays. I see this as a major breakthrough so I agree. Another week goes by and the same thing-can’t be in a relationship with anyone, telling me she loves me(which I hadn’t heard since before Burning Man)as she’s ending it and to give her time because she’s thinking of us “long term.” I let her go. Again. But somehow I feel it’s not over. And it’s not. We meet up a few weeks later in a neutral city and begin again. Start making plans to do the trip we had planned the previous summer. She comes to visit for a month(not planned that long but ended up being a month)I take her for a surprise Bday trip to NYC and lavish her with gifts as I always did and outings, etc.(I pay for nearly everything as she hasn’t worked the entire time we were together-she was taking a sabbatical after a bad breakup)We fight a lot but eventually smooth out and we’re in love again-at least I am and I tell her so. We experience an entire new level of sexual intimacy that it now devastating to think about, touched on more past traumas that were very revealing as to why she was the she was, but then the end came. It started out ok, we talked about when she would leave we agreed in a week so that I could finish my work and have the weekend together. 30 minutes late she sends me an email from inside my house saying she want to leave sooner. I’m upset by this as we just agreed and this starts a fight. She starts saying “Just say you don’t ever want to see me again!” OVER AND OVER. I’m at a complete loss for words as I can’t understand what part of me wanting her to stay makes her think that? Eventually I tell her that there’s an opportunity for both of us to compromise and she stomps her foot and says, “I won’t budge!” I’m so hurt by this that I tell her that I don’t think that I can be in a relationship with someone that says that when there’s a chance to compromise. She says fine. Cold as ice. Minutes after crying and screaming that she thought I was better than this. I have to leave the house to cool down, not really thinking this is over and that she would just want it to end-I didn’t I was just so upset and failing miserably at trying to reach her. I come back an hour later and she’s gone. Just like that. I frantically call and text her, she says shes fine and she’ll call me when she gets home. A week goes by. An email comes saying she thinks we should find people that give us what we need. We talk on the phone and it’s like talking to a stranger. I apologize for everything and she just says thanks. That’s it. Unbelievable. I’m in shock.

Get ready, here’s the kicker. During each of our times together going all the way back to our first trip together when we started having sex, she would have horrible itchiness in her vagina. We would go to the doctor and here that it was “Honeymoonsystitis” common when having a lot of sex. We got tested after our first trip and she told me she was negative for everything but never sent me her results as I did send mine to her. This continued on each of our times together because we had so much sex. This last time was really bad so she went to the doc again and got all kinds of tests. Immediately after the breakup I realized she never told me her test results so I asked her minutes after the breakup. She said they were all negative. I asked to see all of them and thats when things went haywire. She became very evasive about one thing in particular, herpes. She said that she didn’t get tested this time because it was uncommon. I was floored. I asked her to get tested repeatedly and after a fight she agreed and I’d do the same. Guess what? She said was negative. She started sending me screen shots of emails from her doctor saying she was negative. I asked very delicately to see the actual lab results and she went crazy accusing me of controlling her and that she didn’t even care to see my results as it’s none of each others business anymore-right after apologizing and saying “I’m sorry for fighting I know this concerns both of our health so of course I care.” I got mine back and I came out positive. Devastating. I let her know this and she sends an email saying she’s incredibly saddened to hear this and give her time to think about how to approach our relationship-and please send her my results-unbelievable. I wait a few days, write her a long letter about how hurt, confused, broken hearted I am, assigning no blame at all as I’m aware and been informed by the docs that it’s futile to try to figure out where it came from as it could have been either of us. I send her my results and asked her to send her actual results, also my hard drive that had our entire vacations videos and pics on them-please erase and return, and I sent her the jewelry that I bought that she left here on purpose-the very first thing I bought her. A month goes by. Nothing. I’m blocked on every form of social media, email, etc… Today I get a package. It’s the package I sent her. It’s been opened but there’s nothing new in it. No test results, no hard drive, etc…

I’ve been in deep deep therapy this past month trying to get my head around this. Had a couple of complete meltdowns and struggle everyday with this. My question? What. The. ___? What was the purpose of sending me back exactly what I sent? Why not send my hard drive back erased? Why only send back the jewelry that I just sent and not all the rest of the jewelry/gifts that i had given her over the year as well? What does this mean? My friends/therapist think it’s manipulation, to evoke some sort of response from me asking where’s the rest? Is this it? Am I demonized now, split black forever, never to hear from her again? What was the point in sending this at all. Why not just throw it away? Why wait a month to do it? React? Don’t react? Wait awhile? Here’s the craziest part. I still love her.

So lost.

Update: email from her today:

Hi,

I sent back your package, so you should be receiving it soon if you have not already.

I got tested again, and came back negative once more. I just got the letter in the mail. Pic attached.

I'm really sad that that happened and hope you are doing well. Thank you again for being honest with me.

There is nothing else to talk about, so let's part ways.

Thanks again for everything and good luck with everything ahead.

Warmly... .

I'm totally lost. I feel like I have no idea about what's the truth or not anymore. Docs have told me not to go down the road of who gave what to whom, you'll never know and it could have been you and it doesn't matter in the end. That's not what even upsets anymore to be honest. I just can't seem to get over this.

[Conundrum]

I'm really sorry that you experienced that particular type of scorching. I know that it is difficult when reason and logic are unable to harmonize with feelings. It's ok to have strong feelings despite whether those feelings are pragmatic. When we are in pain we have choices. We can either acknowledge the pain or deny it. When we suppress pain, it may temporarily be alleviated, but it festers, and manifests itself in detrimental ways.

There are no short-cuts to sufferings end. To clearly perceive that our craving for a particular attachment and our desire to cling, is born from fear and causes suffering--is the way--to begin eliminating pain, and will allow you to once again embrace the self. These swirling storms that enter our lives are exciting. There is much motion, energy, intoxication and feelings--but winds that are ever shifting--will tear asunder love and benevolence--because there is no fixed star in that swirling storm's universe. That is way that it has been for eons w those afflicted. It is a very old tale.

It is good that you are seeking professional help and are also posting here. So many of our stories are similar, but different in their own ways. Don't  keep things repressed, and give it due time Eventually, comfort and harmony with the self becomes axiomatic.      

":)esire can be compared to fire. If we grasp fire, what happens? Does it lead to happiness?

If we say: "Oh, look at that beautiful fire! Look at the beautiful colors! I love red and orange; they're my favorite colors," and then grasp it, we would find a certain amount of suffering entering the body. And then if we were to contemplate the cause of that suffering we would discover it was the result of having grasped that fire. On that information, we would hopefully, then let the fire go. Once we let fire go then we know that it is something not to be attached to. This does not mean we have to hate it, or put it out. We can enjoy fire, can't we? It's nice having a fire, it keeps the room warm, but we do not have to burn ourselves in it." Ajahn Sumedho, in 'Teachings of a Buddhist Monk'

[heartandwhole]

Hi ConfusedAgain,

I'm so sorry about your breakup and the test results.  That is very painful, and I know I would be reeling, too.  The intense closeness followed by cold shut down is so hard to experience  – it happened to me, too.  I totally understand your feeling lost right now.

I'm glad that you have a therapist who can help guide you through this.  It's important for you to take some time to rebalance and process your feelings. 

Do you have a good support system of family and friends whom you can turn to?

Many of us who have been attracted to these kinds of relationships are understanding driven.  We have tons of resources to help.  One thing that really helped me tremendously was this information about surviving a breakup with pwBPD:

Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Keep writing, we're here to support you.

heartandwhole