A self-fulfilling Prophesy

[Cimbaruns]

I ... . in my sometimes over analyzing ways... . am curious about something ... .

I am moving through the stages of Detatchment... . slowly I must say... . however ... . as much as my "ruminating" has settled a bit i still revert back to wondering about some things that my uBpdw said more than once.

She said on more than a few occasions that she felt as if her r/s with me was a Self-fulfilling Prophesy. I am wondering if a person with BPD , having been through several dis functional relationships is able to recognize that they are repeating the behaviors over and over.

Early on in our r/s she never mentioned this, but once we moved past the honeymoon stage she seemed to almost "want" the r/s to fail... . as if she needed to "rinse and repeat" ... if you will!

Is this driven by emotional immaturity?  Or coming from their normal expectations from their early childhood experiences ?  She was a highly functioning adult and we were able to carry on many intellectual conversations... .

I always thought that I was meant to meet her... . almost like there was a reason that I needed to endure this r/s in order to get to this place of self discovery that I face now.

I don't know why this is important to know now... . but sometimes I believe that it helps me to some extent... in order to fully process things.

I am truly peeling off the layers and getting to some very important core issues here... .

Some may find this unimportant... . but for me... . it's part of getting "through"


Anyone here relate?   Anyone here ever hear that from their ex?

[feetwetfirst]

The definition of Self-fulfilling Prophecy

ideas that become reality simply because someone believes them

this definition fits a person with BPD because they can only see the idea of what can be in a relationship  hence the repeating pattern.

the honeymoon stage you talk about is the ideal they have in their heads and when that ideal is realized to be imperfect (because as human beings it is normal for us as non BPD's to show our imperfections to the ones we love and trust never thinking they will be used against us) they find it hard to accept and that is when the honeymoon stage is lost.

When my ex partner realized my imperfections he needed to seek out the ideal... . in his mind to start over in hopes of getting it right even though he was still with me no matter how many times it takes... . he needed to lash out at me because I destroyed his ideal of the perfect relationship... . what he needed to not feel empty.  It wouldn't have mattered how perfect we tried to make it to keep it in that honeymoon phase he could not change that fact he was always empty and sad

I don't think you were meant to meet her... . to endure... . to lose yourself only to have to repair the damage caused by being in the relationship.  You met her and you chose to be with her for reasons only you can understand but I don't believe it was "fate" or your "destiny"... . no one deserves that. (just speaking from the heart)

[Narellan]

"I always thought that I was meant to meet her... . almost like there was a reason that I needed to endure this r/s in order to get to this place of self discovery that I face now."

I believe this too in my situation. When I met my ex BPD within only a couple of hours I just had this epiphany or something ( maybe warning) just an overwhelming feeling that I was going to learn so much from him. I told him this at the time. It was a very very clear message to me and I've never had that experience before. Maybe religious? Looking back on our time together I firmly believe he was put in my path to teach me. I have been though heaven and hell with him , but my main feeling now after coming out of the fog is that he slapped me awake on every level. I think I've been numb for years. He awakened me. I'm so much stronger and wiser now than I've ever been in my life. I feel like I'm seeing things for the first time. Maybe it's how people feel after a near death experience? Just so grateful to have come out of it alive. Like a bout of bad gastro 

[Cimbaruns]

Narellan

"I was slapped awake on every level".   So true

It feels as if I was shaken awake and now am able to peel away the layers of "myself" in order to get to the part of me I need to truly see.

I feel very different now... . and although I have major work to do in Detatching... . I recognize now that I was just stuck in a place of no growth!

I tend to over analyze and that I believe will take a while to change.

I am not sure why I look for answers regarding "her stuff"... . does it help my process? I wonder?

The question being. ... . As she stated many times ... . was our r/s a self fulfilling prophesy?

I ask myself... . was she recognizing her mental illness? Was she looking to reach out for someone to rescue her and save her? Did she believe that I was going to be the one to change everything?

Why do I need to know? For me that's the question? Does it really help me to look for an answer here?  I'm not sure!

[Narellan]

Another phrase that comes to mind, rather than self fulfilling prophesy, i tend to refer to it as "doomed from the start"

I think my ex was very aware of his condition but kept it hidden as best he could. He once opened up and said "Without even knowing it, Youve helped me move past problems ive been dealing with myself for my whole life" I didnt question him about this, i was just happy to be the saviour. Flattered. Well that only lasted a few weeks until i got too close. Im such an overthinker. I over analyse everything, but i am so glad i do because now its given me peace of mind. During all the chaos and nonsensical behaviour, i was trying to solve the puzzle. Being on here has given me peace, because i can put to rest any ideals of trying to save or help him. Its been a real journey from me, like a religious experience and i am grateful to have met him.