Money, Distortions and Fairness

[ConverseHome]

My xBPDgf and I have been using a mediator to try to work through our financial issues. Brief background is my ex owes me a considerable amount of money, going back to when we purchased our home a few years ago. She came up $100K short two days before the closing; claimed it was b/c she didn't get as much on the sale of her house as she thought she would. This was, in part, true. The other part was her previous partner demanded she pay her $50K that my ex owed her at their closing, on top of their splitting the proceeds. The $50K extra was for money my ex had borrowed from her former partner, which I didn't know about!

This is so typical of my xBPDgf's distortions. That is, there is a grain of truth behind her reason for coming up short, though not the full story... . so, me being the chump, I took money out of retirement to pay for the $100K that she was missing. Fast forward to today, she agreed about two years ago, in writing, with her accountant doing the numbers, how much she owes me (basically the $100K, plus the taxes/penalties that I incurred taking out the money). Not surprisingly, she doesn't want to pay up.

So my ex is now raging at me that I am "unfair" and "aggressive" around all issues financial. She asked to speak with me yesterday to discuss the mediation process; I agreed, as I, wrongly, thought she would extend an olive branch given how much she keeps saying she wants all of this resolved asap. Nope. She declared what a bully I am, how ridiculously unfair I am, and how she needs her lawyer to "protect" her from me. She wants everything now handled between our lawyers.

I'm actually fine with this. Though I'm left wondering two things. First, it seems to me that she was being exposed in mediation, and couldn't handle it; she's so far out of touch with reality, that somehow she thinks the legal process will be more "fair." In my experience, the legal process will go by the law, and it isn't much on her side here. Second, is her kicking this to the lawyers just a way of ramping everything up, despite her protests that she wants this over?

I'm at a loss, as I really want to put all of this behind me, yet at the same time, we're not talking pennies here, and the equity she owes me, along with my disproportionate share in the house are my largest investments (by the way, she wants to fire sale the house, too). Has anyone had experience with this sort of thing? I feel like I'm losing my mind again, and at the same time beating myself up, wondering (this is the kicker), is she right? Am I being unfair? Boy, she can really do a number on my head.

[Matt]

There are big advantages to letting the attorneys handle this stuff - they know what they're doing and it can all be objective and not emotional.  Trying to figure out financial stuff with someone who is not in control of her emotions can be worse than a waste of time.

But there's one big disadvantage:  the cost.  Lawyers can send each other a billion e-mails and charge you both for their time.  My wife's lawyer repeatedly demanded the same information, even after I told her in writing that I didn't have that information - her client had it.  But she kept demanding it - "discovery" - and billing my wife (which meant me) for her time to do that.  And my lawyer then billed me for her time to deal with it too.

So... . if you can talk openly with your lawyer and figure out how to have her handle the communication but let you do as much of the work as possible, so she won't bill you for stuff you can do yourself, maybe you can minimize the cost and still get it all done right.  If your lawyer is honest she will understand and will work with you to get the job done right at the least cost.

[ForeverDad]

On the positive side, this is just about financial issues and the laws and courts are more or less clear on how that gets handled.  Yes, she can push for a more favorable outcome, using the legal expense and time delays to her advantage.  It is up to you to decide whether you want to play her game or let the lawyers, courts and the law work out to their slow logical outcome.  Basic questions:

• Are you both on the deed?



• Are you both on the mortgage?



• Is the house going to be sold or is one of you keeping the house?



• Did you keep records of your money used to buy the house?

Based on those 4 questions your path should become rather clear.  Beware of a few pitfalls of course.

If she wants to keep the house then she MUST (1) pay you your equity, (2) refinance the house in her name only if you name is on the current mortgage and (3) only then can you hand over a quit claim deed.  Your leverage is your part ownership of the property.  If that fails then you must force a sale.

I repeat, if you are on the deed and you are to sign a quit claim deed because it is being sold or she is buying it from you, then don't ever hand it over until the closing for the sale or refinancing/payoff.  Hand it over too soon and you lose all your leverage.  Seriously!

If the house is to be sold then you need to get your equity back from the proceeds before the profit/loss is split.  You need an experienced lawyer to be in charge so she doesn't pull another fast one on you at the last minute.

Be fully aware that somewhere along the way she will try to sabotage your efforts for a fair outcome.  Be prepared to use court to get to your goal of closing out this ownership.  Selling the property will probably be much easier than having her buy you out.  If one of you leaves and the other stays in the house until it is sold, make sure it is you in the house.  If you leave and let her stay, then she can very easily sabotage listings, cleanings, showings and closings.

BPD makes a straightforward process very, very difficult to accomplish.